Message me if...

One thing I try very hard to avoid on my dating profile(s) is listing my requirements for who I'd like to hear from, and who I wouldn't. I talk about myself, which hopefully gives some clue as to who I might like to meet. I talk about what it is I hope to find in a relationship, so that prospective dates know right off the bat if we want different things.

I just feel like, "don't message me if you're so-and-so" or "such-and-such need not apply" is negative and comes across harsh and judgmental. Plus - it won't work. If I say "stupid guys shouldn't message me," most "stupid" guys won't realize I'm talking about them, anyway, because they think they're smart. Meanwhile, the smart ones think I'm just rude. Where does that get me?

Do you see the problem?
Found it here

Anyhoo...I was trolling stalking visiting profiles the other day in search of a date blog material chance to meet a nice new person, and stumbled across a profile that - at first glance - seemed very promising.

(Which just goes to prove you should never judge a book by its cover.)

His profile detailed some of his favorite things (food, hobbies, etc) and ended with:

You should message me if:

You like to enjoy life, see new places, try new things and are not diagnosed or ar being treated for any mental disorders, have not had a recent breakup or divorce and have not spent the last 5 years continously on this site or others like it.

Thanks! Hope to hear from you!

As I understand it, he'd like to meet someone who is either in denial about any emotional problems, or has chosen to leave them untreated. Mental illness could be anything from paranoid schizophrenia to a panic attack once during college finals. Best not to take any chances.

Prince Charming here is 37 and never married, and would presumably prefer to find someone in a similar situation. That should be easy, since the world is just over-flowing with men and women in their late thirties with absolutely no relationship experience. As a bonus, these people are, of course, the absolute best candidates for the type of mature, committed relationship he says he'd like to find.

If you have been in a previous relationship, he'll consider responding - but only if it did not end too recently. Of course, if it ended a while ago, that means you may have been on this site for too long, which is also a problem. It's probably best if you broke up with someone a year ago, took a break from dating, and created your profile within the last week. If that's you, the line forms here ->.

Of course, you need to be open to new experiences - as long as those experiences don't include a willingness to meet new people (at least not online), or try relationships, or anything that might trigger the slightest bit of anxiety (which can be considered a "mental illness"). 

By the way, the "You should message me if..." portion of his profile (which is on Plenty of Fish) was probably stolen borrowed from OKCupid, where the profiles actually contain a section with that title. I wonder how long this guy has been online?

Criteria

One of the things I like best about Match, that other dating sites lack, is the fact that the profiles tell what the person's criteria is (if any). For example, right next to the profile picture, information like this appears:

MrPerfect is looking for women ages 26-38 within 50 miles of Albany, NY

Of course, nothing is without exceptions. I mean, Prince Charming searched the whole kingdom for Cinderella, and her shoes didn't even fit right. You can't plan who you'll love.

Still, now I know that if I'm 40 and live 100 miles away from him - even if all else is perfect - there's probably little reason to email him. Or if I do, I should at least be prepared that he may not be willing to step outside those requirements.

At the bottom of a Match profile, you can share even more information about the person you hope to meet. If you have preferences for race, religion, education, income, lifestyle (smoking, drinking, etc), body-type - even hair and eye color, for those who only date blue-eyed blondes!

Most people don't go into too much detail in this section. One thing almost everyone completes is the body-type they find attractive. I actually find this pretty helpful. I'm not even close to being "athletic and toned" or "thin" so if a guy specifically states that's what he finds attractive, why waste his time, or mine?

Whether you follow people's criteria without exception, or prefer to take a chance here and there, I still think it's worth respecting what they say they want. I mean - hopefully they know best what will work for their life, right?

I have been approached by many, many men who are considerably younger than me. On OKCupid, I get it


Guess they're hoping I'm a cougar.

 - it's a totally different circumstance. Plus, my profile doesn't actually say that I want to meet people in a certain age-range.

But on Match? A guy 10 years my junior approached me last week. He even said to me, "I know I'm younger than your profile states you want - does that bother you?"

Well, yeah. Especially since his profile specifically said he "definitely" wants to have kids someday - and mine says I definitely don't. When I pointed this out, he said, "That's OK. I work a lot right now, so not having kids is not an issue."

Great - so you don't want to have kids right this second. But the thing is...you're 28! That will probably change, especially since you already know you want a family. So why on Earth would you approach a woman who is past the age where she can safely have kids, and who is saying she definitely does not want them - ever?

My profile actually says I am looking for men my age and older (I say up to 49; I can't bring myself to admit I could date a 50-year-old, yet). Why? Not because I have anything against younger guys - but with older men, the issue of having kids is usually eliminated. Either they already have and don't want more, or they've decided they never want kids. Either way - problem solved!

I usually avoid men who are looking for younger women - especially if they're in their forties, and they're looking for a woman in her twenties. I figure either they're still hoping to meet someone who can have kids - or they're just emotionally immature, and have found their games don't work on women their own age. Either way - not for me.

I don't believe in having a type. Opposites attract all the time, and you never know with whom you'll find a connection. Sometimes it's worth a little extra effort, just to see what might happen.

But don't completely discount what someone says they want. Even if you don't think it has anything to do with you, it might offer a little insight into the person you're potentially trying to meet. Who someone chooses to spend time and effort on says an awful lot about him.