Desperate measures

I read a lot of dating profiles (mostly belonging to heterosexual males, but you'd be surprised). In nearly four years of online dating, I bet I've read hundreds - maybe thousands.

Some are funny, some are smart, some are creative - and some are just really, really dull. Many include at least one typo, suggesting the writer is human. Others contain so many mistakes, I'm left wondering if the writer even speaks English fluently.

Most of the time, a profile is really just a small glimpse of that person. If you read carefully, that small glimpse can offer a lot of insight into someone's character, personality, and what he (or she) really wants.

Sometimes, a person's profile makes him seem perfectly normal. There are no red flags, no indicators of what the bag of hair will be. No real reason to say no, if that person asks you to meet him for coffee.

Which is where my problems usually start.

Sometimes, that person will start dropping little hints in those first messages, whether they are texts or emails. Unfortunately, you might not see those hints until you've already agreed to a date. Besides - everyone deserves a chance. I mean, unless he's hinting that he might be a serial killer...then maybe don't give him a chance.

Ball Boy seemed like a good guy from his profile, and from the first few emails. It wasn't until we set up the date that I started to see signs that we might be in different places. He was obviously nervous - and he made a couple of mistakes that weren't a big deal on their own. When I tallied up the evening, though, it all added up to one very uncomfortable hour with a guy in whom I was not really that interested.

It was obvious Ball Boy is just getting back into dating, after having been married for a long time. He did not rush into dating (which is a good thing); but he seems at a point where he's willing to rush into a relationship. That became even more evident when he pursued me after the date, saying that everything we had in common made him feel there was a connection. (Side note: Liking the same baseball team and TV shows is not a love connection.)

Maybe that's unfair. Maybe he really is just "ready" for a relationship. Thing is, I have found (more than once) that a person thinking he's ready means he'll get into a relationship without hesitation. Which is great - provided he's doing so for the right reason.

Sometimes people are ready, and jump into a relationship with the first person they find, who even remotely fits the criteria they want. To me, that's not ready - that's desperate.

I know I complain (a lot) about meeting people who say they're ready, and then hesitate. It's frustrating and exhausting because I keep meeting the wrong people, keep starting the same thing over, and I keep getting left in the dust.

While there are certainly better ways to handle walking away, there is something to be said for people who at least know themselves well enough to know when a relationship isn't for them.

The people who just rush right into something, even though it should be obvious that there is no connection, are just as bad. Sometimes, they're even worse. I have had guys go black hole after the first date, and I have had men fake entire relationships because they "thought they'd fall in love with me."

Trust me - the latter hurts a lot worse.

Anyone looking for a relationship will tell you it's difficult. Most will tell you the toughest thing is meeting other people. I disagree.

I think the most difficult thing is knowing yourself; knowing what you want, and what you need, and being honest with yourself about what is really, truly a good idea.

That sort of honesty is especially tough when the noise of all the people you're meeting makes it hard to hear your own thoughts. Sometimes, you have to do something drastic - like step away.

After all, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Dating coach

So, Ball Boy and I agreed to meet for coffee. It seemed like we had some things in common, and at first I was really looking forward to meeting him in person.

Prior to meeting, he messaged me online - and he continued to do so, until I told him I had things to do, and would just seem him later. He admitted he was nervous; that he had never "met someone online" before. Are there rules, he asked?

Oh, boy.

I could already sense that maybe this wasn't going to go so well.

I told him that, to me anyway, dating sites are just a way to say hello to someone who you might not run into otherwise. After that initial exchange, it's really just like any other dating, and the same "rules" apply.

Rules like, never let 'em see you sweat...keep a little mystery...she can't miss you if you won't go away...don't talk about yourself too much...don't bring up your ex (unless you're asked)...come prepared...

He needs a rule book.

He showed up at the date a few minutes late (remember, he picked the day, time, and place). We walked into the coffee shop, where he he asked if I minded "going Dutch" because he only had $5 to his name until tomorrow, when he gets paid.

I truly don't mind paying on a date - ever. But I couldn't help but wonder - why suggest meeting today if money was an issue?

I handed the barista my credit card to pay for both drinks - and Ball Boy promptly handed me a $5 bill. I had no intention of taking this guy's last penny, and I shook my head. He wouldn't let it go, and kept trying to shove the money into my purse.

More rules: Don't ever touch my purse....don't embarrass me in public...

I took the money to put an end to that embarrassing moment. We sat down, and Ball Boy proceeded to tell me all about himself...and his ex-wife. All that had happened, how he had felt, how lonely he is sometimes...how he wonders if he could ever go back with her...

Oh. My. Goodness.

That date only lasted about an hour. I deflected his question about getting together again (he was nice, and I did feel bad). He messaged me the next day, and I explained that I just didn't feel a connection, and didn't see us ever being more than just friends. It took a while for him to get that message - but he finally did.

I don't actually think there's any such thing as "rules" when it comes to dating. Dating involves people, and everyone is different. Every combination of people is also different, and what works for one couple will not work for another. Example: I don't want to hear about your ex, or know you're nervous, or have you offer to pay for your hot chocolate; someone else might.

But if there's one thing that could pass for a good dating rule, I'd have to say it'd be to set the tone. If you want to set yourself up for a second date, make sure you treat her like you're on a date - not hanging out with a good friend, talking about your problems.

I can be your date - or I can be your dating coach. I can not be both.

Play ball

The thing about bad decisions is, they can lead to really good stories. I mean, let's face it, if you always do exactly what you should, when you should, a lot of lessons will go unlearned.

I napped from dating for a short time, but I'll be the first to admit - I got bored. Maybe it's because I'm restless, or impatient, or a hopeless romantic who is ready to find the love of her life. Maybe it's becasue I need more apps on my phone, or more hobbies.

Whatever the reason, I un-hid my profiles on two dating sites, to see what might happen.

That was bad decision number one.

I went on three dates with three different guys; two I approached, one approached me. (Side Note: Singles who say meeting someone is difficult are wrong. Meeting someone is easy; meeting someone worth meeting - that's the challenge.)

The one who approached me seemed very nice. While not necessarily my type physically, it seemed like we had a lot in common, and he seemed to really have his act together. Since those things are much more important than looks, I agreed to meet him for coffee.

He chose the place, the time, and the date. That's important to remember for later.

One of the guys I approached turned out to have a job in the "adult" industry. I won't say exactly what, since some of you are locals and I don't want to out the poor guy. Seriously good looking guy - but his job, and his..um...colorful history made us a less than desirable match.

What's interesting is these dates took place on the same day. Bummer that I couldn't mesh them together and make a really, really datable guy. But that's not possible - yet, anyway. I'm sure someone's working on it (SN: If you are - call me!).

The last guy seemed to have it all; polite, funny, smart, attractive, success, etc. We went out the following week, and had a lovely two-hour conversation, after which he said he wanted to see me again. Without prompting from me - that's also important to remember for later.

I am sure you can figure out how these dates played out...but if you want to hear more, stay tuned....