Oridinary fairy tale

As a little girl, I truly bought into the whole fairytale idea that I would meet my knight in shining armor and he would rescue me from the castle and we'd live happily ever after.


As a teenager, I thought all boys had cooties and I was little miss independent.


As a young woman in her twenties, I believed finding love would make me happy and confident and content. To be fair, this was after meeting a guy who convinced me I was only worth what he said... so finding a guy who thought I was worth a lot really did make me feel happy and confident and content. But only temporarily.


As a divorced woman in her thirties, I (secretly) believed (and feared) that maybe we only get one chance at real love and I had blown my shot. But I pressed on because I was also starting to believe that God wouldn't have put the desire in my heart if I wasn't meant to find love.


As a woman in her forties who has (I believe) found the guy, I have learned a few more things to believe.


Perfect is a myth. If you have a long list of requirements, you will never meet that guy. Which, is probably by design - what better way to avoid the responsibility or possibility of heartache than by convincing yourself no one is good enough?


Compromise is not the same as settling. Settling means you give up something that you really want

to make the other person happy, but you continue to want whatever you gave up. Compromise means you're happier for giving something up because you find that making the other person happy is suddenly more important than what you thought you wanted. 


Communication is key. It may be easier to avoid that tough conversation, or not talk about what's bothering you - but that won't fix the problem. Sharing is part of a relationship. Everyone is happy when they're sharing the good stuff. When you find someone with whom you can share the bad stuff - that's when it's a relationship.


You don't have to agree on everything. I always thought agreeing on social or political issues was a deal-breaker. Turns out, it's not. Being respectful and open-minded, and being able to talk and laugh - those are the deal-breakers. If you have to agree on everything in order to avoid an argument, maybe it isn't working as well as you think.


I still have a lot to learn. I've even returned to counseling. I know that my baggage created a lot of walls and barriers for me, which I used to keep myself out of relationships, out of fear of being hurt. I decided it was more important to push through that fear rather than letting it rule me anymore. That is not always easy - but I believe it will be worth the work.


Turns out fairy tales are much more ordinary than I expected - and much happier than I imagined.

Everyone has baggage

I hate to talk about my own baggage... I prefer you all think I'm wonderful and perfect. But who are we kidding? I also hate to share anything that might make Toyfriend seem like anything other than the kind, wonderful, thoughtful man that he is. So please keep that in mind.

It turns out relationships require more work of me than I expected. I didn't think I would have such a tough time with insecurities and baggage. I know I am strong, and I like to think can handle a lot. For someone I love, I can handle just about anything. I never expected to find baggage that put me to the test.

I also had no idea that my own baggage was so freaking heavy. I don't have the sort of personal baggage that most people think of when they hear the term (kids, ex, finances, work). But I have a crap-ton of emotional baggage. Some I thought I'd checked, and some I wasn't even aware I'd ever picked up.

I know I have a fear of loss, and of being left. A counselor would say I have "abandonment issues" because my mother left me as a kid. Like, literally she was there one day and gone the next.

Since I was a little kid I have worried that anyone who was not right in my line of sight might be gone in a second. Irrational? Yes, but there it is. I am aware it's an issue, and while I can't totally shake the feeling, I am able to talk myself away from the edge, which is not something I could always do. Let's hear it for therapy!

I also have a big thing about anyone (obviously in this case, a boyfriend) making concessions for me. I know that relationships are about compromise, and I know that compromise is a two-way street. I am aware that I should give some things, and I should be able to ask for (and expect) some things in return.

But I've been called a "problem" and "needy" and "selfish" and told that I "ruined a life" when I've asked others. Now - those guys were being jerks; I know this. I know they were just laying blame to avoid taking responsibility for the way they were treating me. I took the blame and guilt because, well, that's what I knew.

I know better now. I have learned that is neither fair nor healthy. But I also know that just because their tactic was wrong, that doesn't mean their feeling wasn't valid. I probably was being unfair or needy or over-sensitive sometimes.

Now, even though I know I can ask, I still struggle to know if what I am asking is reasonable, or if I am being a little unfair. I find myself doubting whether my feelings should be hurt, or if I really am being over-sensitive.

I also find myself wondering if the doubts in my head are legitimate, or if I'm just dragging my past baggage into a current relationship. Of course I want to look out for myself... but I also don't want to blame Toyfriend for something someone else did to me.

I suppose life would be easier if I'd stuck to my guns and avoided falling for a guy who I knew had baggage. If I had just continued to shut Toyfriend out, and kept looking for a guy with zero complications. None of this would be an issue.

But then I think, how can I really know that for sure? My insecurities are obviously still there. Maybe it would have just taken longer to see them with another person. It might be something else that would bring them up - but they'd still rear their ugly head.

The truth is, I was never going to find that baggage-free guy. So maybe I'm lucky to have found someone who is willing to share his baggage with me, so I'm not left wondering. So I always know where he's coming from, and where I stand.

I'm also really very lucky to be in this with someone who takes the time to understand where I am coming from, and who will meet me halfway.

Baggage is much easier to carry when you work together.

Pleasant surprise

I expected I would be bad at some aspects of being in a relationship. It's been roughly forever since I even attempted to be in a relationship, so I was bound to be a little rusty.

I also figured I would be good at some relationship stuff. Some things come naturally, and others must be a little like bike riding, no?

I was right on both counts. But... it turns out, I'm not good at everything I thought I'd be - nor am I bad at everything I expected.

Imagine my surprise when I found myself taking someone else's clothes out of my dryer, folding them, and putting them in a drawer? Let's not even discuss how I cleaned out that space for these clothes that are not mine.

I thought that my cynical, closed-off side would keep me from opening up... but I have found myself happily making room in my life, in more than one way. I've even cooked. In my kitchen.

Meanwhile, I thought I'd be OK with things like alone time and female friends. (sigh) It turns out that some of my insecurities have reared their ugly head, and I am not quite as OK with that stuff as I expected.

What I am getting good at is discussing my concerns and even my insecurities. It also turns out I can have those conversations without arguing, which was a pleasant surprise.

I suppose that to be a good relationship, it needs balance. A little give, a little take. I have historically given way more than I've taken, and I still find myself struggling to make sure I am compromising without settling.

Mostly, I have found myself very happy - and I have found that I'm better at being happy than I expected. That was a pleasant surprise.

A complement

A while back, I met a guy on meetup.com. I thought this was funny because... 1) I always hated that Turtle met friends at meetups and 2) I've always wondered how it would work with someone I met somewhere other than a dating site. (For those not familiar, meetup.com is not a dating site. It's a site designed for users who want to set up activities for groups of people. It's really for people who are looking for others with similar interests to share activities. As a result, many users happen to be single.)

Anyway, this guy messaged me and we started chatting. He eventually asked me out. We've formed a good friendship, but not much more. He has said he'd be interested in dating, but I have been clear from the start that wasn't in the cards.

We have gotten into the habit of chatting about his dating life. He tells me the tales, I offer occasional advice, he ignores me because obviously, being single, I know nothing.

The other day we got on the topic of a guy I have been seeing. My friend (we'll call him Hiker) asked why I am willing to date this other guy, and not him. Not an easy question to answer.

I started by explaining that it worries me that he and I wouldn't share his favorite hobby (hiking, obvs) and that I know he's looking for someone who will join him. That is a relatively minor thing, which he pointed out. But it's part of a larger issue, which I then had to explain. (Leading off with the hobby angle was a rookie mistake; I'm rusty.)

He and I are in very different places. His marriage is newly ended and he's looking for casual companionship to keep him busy. He's still learning his dating style, and he's still accepting women who are not his type, or who don't treat him well, simply because he wants the company.

I'm pretty sure I fall into the "you'll do for now" category, and I told him as much. I explained that I think we could have a great time, but once he gains some confidence, he will realize I'm not for him. Experience has taught me that will happen right about the time that I fall head-over-heels - and I will be left heartbroken. Again.

He said he'd never want to hurt me. "Hiker," I said, "No one ever wants to hurt me. That doesn't make it hurt any less when they do."

I don't begrudge anyone going through the post-marriage phase of looking for a distraction, or looking for some fun. Everyone needs a little time to figure themselves out - who they are now, what they want, and what works for them. I've had the "opportunity" to be that distraction for more than one man. My heart got hurt each time - but I learned a lot, and wouldn't change a thing.

I never saw it coming before. Now I do - which means I've learned even more than I realized.

Worth the effort

There's, like, four of you that know the whole Turtle story. The rest know this little bit, in which I said I was willing to take a step back and let things just play out.

Everyone, regardless of what they know, seems to think I'm crazy. Which is fair. They are my friends, and want me to be happy. They see what I'm doing, and wonder why I'd put this much effort into a guy who, in their collective opinion, is not worth the trouble.

Here's the thing....

I have, as we all know, been on roughly a bazillion dates in the last 2+ years (since Trooper). I haven't really found anyone worth crossing a street, much less multiple conversations, and compromise.

But Turtle seems to be. Why? Well... He's kind and smart and respectful. He's hilarious and always makes me laugh. He's fun and likes some of the same things I do. He's a great listener. He makes me feel special. I feel like I can trust him.

But he is not 100% available (emotionally) to be in a relationship. That's a problem.

You may wonder - well, GGS can't you find someone who has all those qualities, but is ready?!

Well....see above. We've seen no evidence to support that theory.

I am totally OK with the slowing down. What has proved to be a challenge is the inconsistency. I still find myself wondering where I stand. Am I being friend-zoned? Will this phone conversation be the last I hear from him? Has he changed his mind? Because Turtle is all over the place, it's hard to pinpoint just where I stand.

The questions are endless, and I have given myself (and, I suspect, others) a headache trying to find the answers.

I do think Turtle is worth the effort. I accepted a long time ago that the relationship I want isn't one that is necessarily simple or easy. Sure that'd be nice - but what I really want is amazing.

Amazing is worth the effort - and I think Turtle could be amazing.

But, admittedly, all this back and forth wreaks havoc on my insecurities. It brings back every fear I have ever had about being left, about losing someone, getting hurt, or about being misled.

To say I'm scared out of my mind would be putting it mildly.

I have thought about just walking away. Telling Turtle this just isn't working, and I can't hang out with him at all. Letting myself off this hook, allowing myself to heal, and then hopefully making room for someone else in my life.

While I know that may be what happens in the end, I've decided I want it to be a choice I make because I know in my heart I've given all I can. If I walk away simply because I am insecure or impatient - I'd feel like I lost. Like I let my flaws shape my world.

That may have been OK when I was discarding my flavor of the week, whose name I couldn't remember. But it is not an OK way to treat someone amazing.

I need to fix these things about myself. I may always be a little impatient, and a little insecure. No one is perfect. But I don't have to let those qualities define me.

So, for anyone who thinks Turtle may not be worth the effort - you might turn out to be right. He might friend-zone me, he might mislead me, he might just break my heart.

But even if that happens, I've still had the chance to work on some things about myself.

Which, I hope you'll agree, is totally worth the effort.

Compromise

After much back and forth, a lot of anxiety on my part, and several surprisingly good talks - Turtle is not ready for a relationship, or even serious dating.

He asked if we could continue hanging out, so we could "see what happens." In my experience (Anyone here remember my Big?), that's guy-code for "I want you around for now, but don't get attached because I'll drop you the minute something better comes along."

Something for which I wasn't looking to sign up.

But, when I thought about it - really thought - what he wanted wasn't unreasonable - or even objectionable. He has solid reasons for asking, that go well beyond "I'm just not sure." The truth is, I like the guy, and I love spending time with him. I liked it when I thought we were just friends.

So what was it that bothered me so much? And while I'm pondering stuff....how did I, she of the no-boyfriend rule, find myself in a place where someone thinks that's what I want?!

I felt it might be time to regroup.

I came to the conclusion that I didn't need him to say a particular thing, or agree to a specific set of rules. It wasn't the pace that bothered me; I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere. What bothered me was I had no idea where I stood, or if he was standing with me.

I realized I'd been trying to force a specific action in an effort to ease my own insecurity. "If I get him to agree to dating, I'll feel better."

That, for the record, is a stupid freakin' plan.

I'm not saying I don't like the guy. I do. A whole lot. Otherwise, I think we can all agree I would have been long-gone by now. But just because I like him doesn't mean I couldn't use a little work on myself, too.

Since meeting Turtle, I've come to realize that I have spent the last two and a half years avoiding feelings. Since Trooper broke up with me, I have not wanted to let anyone in. I have not trusted myself to feel anything. I couldn't rely on myself to decide if anyone was trustworthy, because I got it so wrong with Trooper.

During that time, I made some OK choices about men and dating. I met some nice guys, learned a few lessons, and had some laughs. I also made some bad choices. I let men devalue and disrespect me. Worst of all, I let myself get to a point where I questioned if maybe that was all I deserved. I stopped letting people see the real me because I was afraid they wouldn't like her.

Part of me thought I needed to draw a line with Turtle and demand to be treated a certain way.

A bigger part of me realized what I needed was to finally let someone in and see who I really am, insecurities and all. I needed to walk away feeling valued, and like he wants me in his life. I need to let myself trust, and be OK with myself if I get it wrong.

If he could give me that, then maybe he's worth a little compromise on my part, too.

My bitch-switch...and other fine qualities

Trooper and I have been talking. Turns out, we actually get along as friends, which is nice. I missed having him around. He "gets me" in ways that many others don't.

I even talked to him a little about Sparrow, and the fact that we were "on a break." Trooper's take?

"You're not that into him because I set the bar too high." 

He was kidding (I think), but the truth is - he may be on to something.

I was once told that I "should come with instructions." Sounds harsh, maybe, though it was said in humor, and out of love. It is also not really that much of an exaggeration.

It's hard to face our faults. After a divorce, a few years of dating, and several failed relationship-attempts, I'm starting to come to terms with at least some of mine.

Source



I can be opinionated. I'm more than happy to listen to what you have to say, and on some issues, may even be swayed a little. But when it comes to things about which I'm very passionate - don't bother. Not only don't I want to hear what you have to say, it's very possible I will interpret your opinions as an attempt to convince me I'm wrong. Then I'll get angry.

Speaking of angry...

It takes a lot to get me there - but once I am, it takes even more to get me back. Not only that - it comes out of nowhere. I don't always express my frustration early on, figuring it's probably not worth the aggravation. When I hit a certain threshold - I can't hold it in anymore. As a result, I appear to go from nice to bitch in about 10 seconds. I call it my bitch-switch.

The right guy has mastered the difference between sharing his opinion, and convincing me mine are wrong. He knows to look for the subtle "anger cues" that even I can't hide. This prepares him for the bitch-transformation. Even better if he can anticipate what will get me to that point, and head it off at the pass.

I need things a certain way. Blame the fact that I'm an only child. Blame the fact that I'm a daddy's-girl. Blame the fact that I've been single for a little while. I don't care - but be ready to accept the fact I don't like to be kept waiting, when I'm hungry I need to eat, I will check my phone more than you, and I require more time than you to get ready for any event, ever.

The right guy not only accepts these things, he plans around them.

I don't share well. This is probably also a result of being an only-child. There is plenty that I will happily share: I'll loan people (who I trust) my things; I'll loan people money with no thought to when (or if) I might be paid back; I love to give gifts and am happy to give my time.

But don't ask me to share my closet space - and never ask me to get rid of my stuff to make more room for yours. Don't invade my personal space. Don't ask me to share a computer, or a TV. I need those things when I need them, and there is no room for negotiation.

The right guy plans for this stuff. He can also tell when a surprise hug would be cute - and when it might be invasive.

I like to be a priority. Not all the time (I do actually know it's not always about me). But sometimes it's nice to know that with everything a person has to choose from (friends, sports, hobbies, strip clubs) - I come first.

The right guy knows just how to do this - because he wants to, not because it's required.

I suppose it sounds like I'm asking for a lot. The truth is - I may be. Here's the thing...

I've been with a great guy who could do all these things. Even now - after fights, and bitterness, and anger, and tears, and separation, and finally moving on and becoming friends, he still knows me better than anyone, and accepts me the way I am. He can still tell, better than anyone, how I will react to just about anything, if I'm getting in my own way, or if I'm about to go bitchy.

He never complained about moving boxes upon boxes of shoes, or decorations, from one place to another. They were important to me, so he made them important to him. He put me first - ahead of friends, sports, and hobbies. Always.

He made sure there were always two bathrooms, so I could get ready at my own pace and in my own space. When we had to share - he got out of my way quickly, anticipating the time I'd need.

Source

I suppose this is one of the true hazards of dating after a long marriage. Sure, you know all the things that didn't work, and what not to do again. But you also know what can make a person wonderful, and you hope - or expect - that someone else will do the same.

The thing is - none of that would have happened if he hadn't been getting something in return. I know I have an awful lot of wonderful to offer some lucky guy.  *pats self on back*  I not only know my faults, I know my strengths (I'll spare you that list). I'm not asking to get anything I'm not also willing to give.

So yeah - I'm looking for someone who shows that he's capable of that much wonderful. I know it takes time to work up to that point - but the potential should be there almost instantly.

Trooper was right about the bar being high. Between you and me, he's even right about the fact that he reached (and easily cleared) the bar.

He's just wrong about who set it so high in the first place.

Compromise

Something I'm learning is that relationships require a lot of compromise. Despite what some think, I'm even aware that sometimes I'm the one who has to compromise.

Who knew? 

Any-who, sometimes compromise means watching a sport you don't enjoy, making small-talk with people you don't know, eating food you don't really like. 

It also means you might have to stay up later than usual, and take a day off from work so you don't have to get up early the next day, or ask to leave the party early. 

So, I'm off today - but I'm tired. I lost a vacation day, not to mention I gave Trooper a whole Sunday evening of my life, doing something I normally wouldn't do.

Was it worth it? 

You betcha.