The one where the Russian almost dies

I bet I've never told you this story. I think I've written about elsewhere, but it happened so long before I started this blog, I don't think it ever made its way into GGS dating lore.

I met this guy online, and we started chatting via IM (on Yahoo; I like to keep my dates there until I know if they deserve gmail status). He'd said more than once that he really wanted to take me out to dinner.

He seemed nice enough; he was Russian, and had a really cool name. But - he lived with his parents, and was a bit younger than me. Having just returned to the US after school (when I say he was Russian - he was Russian), he was unemployed. Which doesn't really help his case, but does serve to explain the living situation.

I turned him down several times, until my housemate suggested I give him a real chance. So, I told him we could meet later that week, and asked if he'd like to chat for a bit that night, since I was home. He did.

Him: What should we talk about?
Me: The usual; movies, TV, same-sex marriage.

In hindsight, I'm sure I was trying to bait him into a conversation that would give me a valid reason to cancel the date. Quite passive-aggressive of me, and really wasn't a concious decision - even if it was effective.

Him: I'm opposed to it.
Me: Mind if I ask why?
Him: You should be, too. Same-sex marriage will deteriorate the importance our society places on marriage. Eventually, that means that spouses won't be given things like health benefits. As a woman, that should worry you, because the wife needs those benefits.
Me: Are you saying the wife is always dependent on the husband?
Him: Yes, because women are the weaker sex.
Me: So now you're telling me I'm weak?
Him: It doesn't surprise me that you would look at it that way. Most women can't have this conversation, because they are irrational.

I cancelled the date, and I never did meet him for ice cream. I thought it best for everyone involved if I was never given the chance to react to his statements in person.

How *not* to behave

First, I'd like to clarify that Engineer knows I'm writing this, and I got his permission first.

I went out with Engineer a couple weeks ago, to the place where he originally met the woman I now affectionately call Twin Flame Girl (or TFG). He told me she would be joining our group, and I couldn't resist because...well, I'm not dating, and I need dating disaster stories from somewhere.

We met for karaoke at a local hole-in-the-wall type place, with decent food, a nearly-friendly bar staff, and okay acoustics. TFG joined us a little late, immediately found a seat next to Engineer, and started searching for a duet. Awwww....

We had a group of six. This is the kind of place where everyone knows everyone. So, while Engineer was paying TFG attention, he was also interacting with other people. At one point, he sat down next to me, looking at the song sheets, trying to coax me into singing. He chose a song and she said, "Oh, I knew you were going to pick that one!"

You know - because they're Twin Flames and all, so they're in synch. Right. 

A little while later, TFG left the bar. No goodbye, no explanation, no nothing. I didn't notice right away, because I was tweeting. When I realized what the three guys were talking about, I asked, "Did she leave?" Engineer wasn't sure, and said he was going to text her to find out.

I thought about trying to stop him, because right then it occurred to me what she was probably doing, and him texting was exactly what she wanted. But either I didn't think or act fast enough, or maybe I just didn't want to get in the middle. Either way, he sent her a text, and she responded by saying she'd left because "he didn't seem to want her there."

I told him that's a classic passive-aggressive manipulation. I shook my head and said that was ridiculous, and he deserves better. Now - just so we're all clear and before anyone jumps down my throat - I'm not judging her. I'm sure she's a very nice woman, and she is attractive enough, and seems friendly and smart.

My observation of "passive-aggressive manipulation" is just that - an observation made from experience. I've behaved this way before, so I know. Of course - I was 13 at the time. But whatever.

"You realize she's probably out in the parking lot," I said. And, in fact, she was. She stepped back into the bar, and came back to our table to talk to someone else, while Engineer performed "Creep" by Radiohead.

I found that funny, in an ironic sort of way. It got even funnier when he got to the line in the song that goes...

She's running out the door
She's running
She run, run, run
Run

....And even funnier when the whole bar started singing the lyrics right along with him.

She's running out the door.


I could not stop laughing. Engineer's friend was trying to get me to shut up by gesturing that TFG was standing behind me. He doesn't know me well enough to know I just don't care. [I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course.]


As if this train wreck wasn't already perfectly timed, what do you think happened next? Well, while TFG is talking to Engineer's friend about (whatever I couldn't hear, but presumably Engineer-related) - the two of them were called to sing their duet.


They performed their song [Cruisin' by Smokey Robinson - I think], with her making sure to use his mic instead of her own so they'd have to stand close, and whispering in his ear just before the song started. She managed to turn it into a big production - which I also thought was a way of manipulating the situation. They came back to our table, and she sat down as if all was good.

I excused myself - saying goodbye to everyone at the table - and headed home. While I like a good bit of (someone else's) drama, I'd actually reached my limit.

Here's the thing.... Engineer admits he likes the attention, and I think he probably also legitimately likes this girl. Like I said, she is pretty, and seems nice enough. I get it. If you ask me, all three guys from our group probably like her a little bit. So obviously, she appeals to guys on some level with which I'm just not in touch. That's cool.

But in my opinion (which I've shared with Engineer) - he deserves way better than a passive-aggressive, manipulative, immature woman. I just have my doubts that someone who behaves this way knows herself well at all, or is in a position to have a healthy, constructive, long-term relationship.

I also worry if things don't work out, how she'll react if Engineer ends things. Can you imagine?

P.S. - Should I, at any point, start behaving this way, you all have my permission to call me out on it, then ground me.

Your date is dead

Not your actual date, as in the person. I mean the date the two of you are on is dead. Finished. Done. Over. Horrible.

Just about any woman can give you a dating horror story. I've heard stories of women being left at a restaurant because her date's ex went into labor (with his baby). I know a woman who went on a first date with a guy who promptly informed her that the two of them should be exclusive. On the first date. Oy.

I've (luckily) not been on a date that bad. I have had guys choose the restaurant - then hand me the bill. That's always fun.

I'm going on vacation (with my favorite cousins, so there will be no horror stories). There will definitely be posts while I'm gone, but feel free to use this post as an open thread to tell your worst (or best) dating stories.

Little bits

Just a few little items I thought worth mentioning - but that really don't deserve their own post:

> Remember the article that told us scary activities can be a great date? I tested that theory not too long ago with Trooper - and it is totally true. The scare factor is a tremendous ice-breaker, conversation is natural because there is so much going on - and there's plenty of opportunity for hand-holding.

> Remember Crush? And remember that his former girlfriend is someone I know? They got married last weekend. Awkward.


> Things are going well with Trooper - well enough, that I'm thinking I will have to tell him about this blog at some point. I've wondered about this before, and the consensus was wait about a month, see how things are going, and then tell. Feel free to weigh in.

Better than a bed and breakfast.

What a week

I'm having a rough week. It's one of those weeks where you feel like, if you make it through without throwing yourself (or someone else) down a flight of stairs, it's a win. 

First, as a follow up to this conversation with Gardner, I told him that I wanted a clean break, that we don't communicate well and we just aren't a good fit. He responded by announcing his undying devotion and love, telling me that he "believes in US" and that he will be there if I ever change my mind. 

Then, I found he was on the dating site less than twelve hours later. 

Of course he should move on - we broke up. I'm not upset about that. It just makes me doubt everything he said - and leaves me wondering, why say it, if you don't really mean it? Obviously, cooties are the only explanation. But seriously - can I trust anyone?

While I was still sulking about that, I got the strangest email from a guy who wanted to talk about horror movies and some new airplane. Huh? It was almost like he wasn't speaking English. His profile suggested he was normal, so I stalked investigated vetted a little further. Turns out, there's a reason he seemed awkward making conversation - he doesn't have a lot of experience. Yeah - you guessed it. I was contacted by a 40-year-old virgin.

And just like that, my life became a Steve Carrell movie. 

As if that wasn't enough, the next day I got an email from a guy who actually seemed very nice. I probably would have even responded, except for one, tiny detail. This "guy" is two years younger than my father. 

So how was your week?

Timing is everything

I promised to tell you more about a "talk" Gardner and I had about our relationship. I always keep my promises. Please note: You may chuckle at this story. Or gasp. Or do both at the same time, and start coughing uncontrollably. You've been warned.


Several dates in (okay, three - don't judge) Gardner asked me to his house where he promised me a home-cooked meal. I have to say - he's, like, the sweetest guy. Ever. Dinner was waiting for me, the dining table was set, and he'd made sure to get my favorite drink.

One thing led to another....and since this blog isn't specifically about my sex life, I'll let you fill in that blank. But it's important to remember that what happened next happened right after the blank.

Laying there talking, Gardner said to me, "As much as I like you, I don't have any expectations...." He went on to say a few other things that may, or may have not, clarified what he was talking about, but I didn't hear them. Because my brain was fixated on what sounded like a rejection.

Immediately after the first blank. In fact, it was barely over. It was more like a blan. 

I did my best to remain calm. I thought, actually, I was doing pretty well. I patted his arm and told him I was going to get going - not in a mean or angry way, it was just time for me to head home. But he realized I was upset and started apologizing - profusely. I told him I wasn't angry, grabbed my things and went to open the door.

The doorknob came off in my hand, trapping me in the room with him.

The doorknob came off in my hand.


I know, you're laughing. It's fine. I can wait.


....So I'm standing there, belongings in one hand, doorknob in the other. He's behind me apologizing, and I'm fighting every urge in my body to hurl the hardware at his head. I nearly did - but I realized that I needed the doorknob to get out of the room.

I asked him nicely to fix the door so I could get out. He started to - then stopped, to keep apologizing. I asked a second time - less nicely. He fixed the door, and I made my exit.

Like I said the other day, it's not only important to know what to say when you want to talk about your relationship - it's also important when you say it.

The lesson here? Timing is everything. And always make sure doors are in proper working order.

I think OK Cupid hates me

My new thing is when I get a "quiver match" (Suggested matches from OK Cupid. Get it, it's the quiver from cupid's arrow? Oh, nevermind....) I take a look, and if they look interesting, I email them. I say new because I used to just ignore them, and look on my own when I was darn good and ready.

So, the other day, I signed in and found a new group of three. The first? This guy - because apparently, he created a new profile and cupid thought he was being helpful.

Next....

Was a guy whose profile says he earns less than $20,000/year, his education and job are blank, and his interests include bowling, surfing the net and "i also like to wear diapers 24/7 and have girl/female change mydiaper!!!"

Just because Cupid wears a diaper....

I was going to do a "best of the worst" entry on this, but I was afraid to read further in his profile. I did scan down to the bottom to read the last sentence about who should message him. My eye started to twitch, so I moved on - right after I hid his profile.


Now listen - I'm not judging. Whatever floats your boat; just because I'm not into something doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. But it seems to me like a fetish that can only be caused by some sort of stunted emotional development can't be good for you as an adult - or your relationships.

But what do I know, anyway?


What's the worst online dating profile you've come across? 

Dating quizzes and tests

This is going to totally age me, which is depressing so soon after my birthday, but.... 

As a kid, I had hundreds of pen pals. I'm talking about people I met through a teenie-bopper magazine, where my address was published and people started writing to me, and I wrote back. This was (here it comes) before texting, cell phones, email or even the internet. I'm not kidding; phones still had cords and were attached the wall in the kitchen. 

I had paper just like that.
Source

These people lived all over the country - and sometimes the world - and I never met one of them in person. But that didn't mean there wasn't a friendship, or a connection of some sort. Some wrote a few letters and faded away; others remained my pen pal until I moved after college. I grew up with them; I trusted them; I told them things I couldn't tell anyone else. 

So I firmly believe that a connection can be established, and develop, without meeting in person. It's probably one reason why online interaction works so well for me as a way to meet people, and why I'm so willing to give online dating sites the benefit of the doubt. 

I've been messaging through a site with one guy for a while. (SN: Are you noticing a theme? Me too.) I actually really enjoy his emails - they are not the boring, how-was-your-day, oh-I-did-this type of emails. They are more like here I am sitting at the computer, I have something random and interesting I want to share - so I do. 

Have regular old conversations come up? Sure. I asked what was exciting for the weekend, he responded sarcastically about pizza, and I asked what type of crust he prefers and what toppings are his favorite. That's a fun way to find out some basic information about the person you're getting to know. 

He's smart, his sense of humor is dry and he is quick-witted. He's all the things I like when communicating with someone - especially through emails/messages. 

Recently, though, I became curious if this was all our relationship was going to be. So, I went way out on a limb and did something crazy - I asked. Simply put - I asked if he planned to invite me on a date, or if we would just be pen-pals - without the pens.

His answer? Most unexpected.

....I hadn't thought about it. You might have gathered I'm not especially sociable. But, it's more interesting to do something with someone than by yourself...

Source

Not a ringing endorsement. Having no desire to push, I responded:

I feel like I want to point out the irony of a non-sociable guy, who wasn't thinking about dating, having a profile on a dating site. 

As you might expect (or maybe you didn't), he had an answer for that.

Originally, I joined the site for the quizzes and other time-wasters. 

I totally did not see that coming.
The thing is, this guy is a few years older than me. That means he remembers pen-pals - and he also remembers the early internet days, when things like chat-rooms were common. When you went in a chat-room, it was expected that your relationship would remain online - the intent wasn't to meet in real life.
So on the one hand - I get it. He was looking for a site that offered some mindless distraction, accompanied by the occasional conversation. Just like a chat-room, he never expected it to turn into actual, in-real-life dating.

On the other hand - I feel... betrayed, maybe? Duped? Led on? It's a dating site. When he filled out his profile, he indicated he was a single guy looking for single women for dating. He went to the trouble of really describing who he is and what he's looking for in a date. He uploaded photos of himself - with captions, for crying out loud.

Not only that - he responded to my email, when my profile clearly states I'm looking for dating and a relationship. And we're on a dating site.

So now I feel like I was dragged into a time-wasting test of sorts. And here I thought that's what facebook is for.

Best of the Worst: Online profile, or advertisement?

The economy is bad. I get it. No one has as much money as they once did, and everyone has to make a buck somehow. Most people have a supplemental income - whether it's a direct selling business, or a second job - or ads on a blog *ahem*.

But on your online dating profile?

I know it's still the internet, and I know in a lot of ways, it's a very cheesy, silly way to meet people. But I still think you should treat it with some dignity. Complete sentences, proper spelling....

Not selling anything to people until you've at least said hello first....

Any P90X'rs on here? I have been on a health and fitness journey for a few months now and feeling and looking better than I ever had in my entire life! After seeing the P90X comercial for about the millionth time on Tv I decided to order the program and since I have committed to the program, I have gotten awesome results! I did it originally because I wasn't feeling my best and knew if I didn't make a change in my poor habits now, my health would not be good in my "golden years" but haveing been in the program for a while now, I am totally hooked on fitness! Here is my website! I can help you achieve your health and fitness goals. Please look around my site, and if you have any questions, click the "Contact me" button...
*************************
I am looking for someone who has the same outlook as I do and is into health and fitness and is willing to encourage others that want to lose weight and get into shape. If that is you, I would love to hear from you. but if you are not interested in dating but want to get started on a journey to lose weight and get into shape, I really want to hear from you too! So C'mon! What are you waiting for? I once wieghed 198 lbs and am now 163 lbs! Every great adventure starts with a single step forward.....Take that step with me.....

In case you're curious, this guy actually clicked on the "meet me" feature and indicated that he'd like to meet me, which triggers a notification - which is how I found this profile. If you know me, then you know this is not who I am. I am not now, nor will I ever be, a "P90Xer;" I'm not into fitness, and even if I was, it wouldn't be something I'd share with others. 


I assume this guy viewed me as a "potential customer" and is using my dating profile as a way to get more business. I couldn't possibly be more offended or turned off by that - so it's not a tactic I'd recommend. 


And Mr. P90X won't be meeting me any time soon.

The dangers of sexting

Last week was definitely one of the most interesting exciting ridiculous I've had, as far as dating goes.

My thoughts exactly.
Source

On Tuesday, I got a text from a guy I'd met on a dating site. We'd exchanged a couple of emails, and he asked if I would give him my phone number so we could text. I did - and we exchanged a few texts. They stopped after  while, I deleted the thread, then I got a new phone, and I'd honestly forgotten all about him. But he was still a contact, so the text came up from "Scott POF" (because that's all I know about him) and attached was a picture - of "little Scott" (and I do mean little).

Seriously? A friend of mine, who is much younger than I, said to me, "You mean that still happens at your..." Of course she trailed off, because she didn't mean for it to come out that way, but I finished for her. Yes, it still happens - at any age. Why? Because some men never outgrow their cooties.

After over two years of active online dating, this is the first time it has ever happened - and I was not (still am not) happy. But I barely had time to recover when I got the next email, through that same site.

Him: Hi there. How are you?
Me: I'm doing well, thanks. You?
Him: Good, thanks for asking. What are you looking for on this site?
Me: Looking to meet people. Hoping that meeting turns to dating and eventually a relationship. It all takes time, you know?
Him: I'm looking for a nasty, kinky, horny woman to have fun with.

Seriously? Now - I have no issue with people looking for casual sex. I do have an issue with people wasting my time with these inquiries when my profile clearly states I am looking for a relationship.

I ignored his email, figuring anything I could say back might sound judgmental or nasty, and I really didn't care. But he emailed me, saying he was sure he'd scared me away but that he "finds it easier to be completely honest."

"You were Brett Farved!" ~ Friend
Source

Really? Now I was just - irritated beyond description. So, I double-checked his profile, and responded by saying that, yes, honesty is best. I suggested maybe he start with his own profile, and stop advertising that he's looking for a relationship, and start being upfront about the fact that all he's interested in is casual, "kinky" sex.

Surprisingly enough, he had nothing to say to that.

I got a whole days reprieve before getting an email, this time from another dating site. I opened up the sender's profile first - 28. Great, I thought. Can't wait to read what he has to say.

Turned out to be one line: I wish you were into disciplining naughty boys.

Did I read that right? I went back to his profile, and when I scrolled down, I found where he said he's into SM, and "if you know what means, then great!"

At that point, I sent my profile (both of them) to a friend and asked if there was something - anything - on there that suggested I was even remotely interested in these sort of inquiries. I've been assured there is not - but I'm still wary.

And, quite frankly, pissed.

I don't like being attacked like this. Is it really an attack? I think so. I'm at the point now where I avoid the sites, am afraid to open emails, and feel like I have to do so with extreme caution. I shouldn't have to feel that way. The fact that my trust in the sites, and freedom to communicate, is compromised means it's an attack. Maybe less serious than most, but an attack nonetheless.

Someone asked me what men are thinking when they send these kind of emails. The truth is, I have no idea. Do they work? I suppose they must, or men would stop sending them. But why send them when you don't know how the woman will react? What if she gets turned off - or worse?

I'll admit, I will probably just ignore these - to do otherwise would invite all sorts of drama. But I considered naming fingers and pointing names - how do guys know they won't cross a woman who is just daring enough to do so? Are they prepared for the consequences if they do?

I was reading this article from Sexis, which seems to sum it up perfectly. Some women like them; others don't. But they all agree that if it wasn't requested, or from someone you know - it's skeevy.

So what are guys thinking? What are they trying to accomplish?

Where there's smoke, there's a liar

One of the first things I look for on a dating profile is whether or not the person is a smoker. If he is - I don't even look any further.

Smoking is a deal-breaker for me for a few reasons. One, it's a gross habit; the smell, the cigarette butts all over the place, stains on the upholstery and even the walls - yuck. Second, it's such a waste of money. Not that I'm great with a budget or anything - but if you're going to pour money down a drain, I can think of better ways. Naturally, that's not my issue if a date wastes his money - but it would be in a relationship. I don't date just to date, so if I know off the bat we couldn't be in a relationship, why bother?

But an even bigger deal-breaker than smoking? Lying. So don't say that you don't smoke, and then show up on our date with yellow teeth, wreaking of cigarette smell. Even worse, don't greet me with a hug - and get that smell all over my clothes and in my hair.

Lying makes me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

If you smoke, say so. Most sites let you say "trying to quit" so if that's the case, be honest. Maybe you only smoke when you drink - while I've never understood that, I do know it to be the case for some people. So put "occasionally" on your profile. (Though, I'll tell you, when I see that, I assume it means the person smokes something other than cigarettes; another deal-breaker for me.)


The truth is, you're not the guy for me. Which is okay - because I bet I'm not the lady for you, so it all works out. But you'll never find the person for you if you're not telling who you really are.

What are your deal-breakers?

Best of the Worst: Why I'm single

The next time someone asks me why I am single, I am going to send them a link to this profile.

Self-Summary

I'm newly divorced and plan on enjoying my first summer in over 20 years as a single guy. My wife kicked me out because I had an affair. It wasn't the first time I cheated. I sleep with women because I'm good at it. If you seriously wanted, I could give you references, but that seems kinda creepy.

Then he goes on to describe himself. He's good-looking - at least according to him. There are, oddly enough, no pictures associated with his profile.

What I'm doing with my life

Drinking and having sex. My "divorce coach" prescribed that for my first year being single. Seems pretty fun so far.

I'm really good at

F***ing. I don't get tired very easily.

You should message me if

You like to f***.

I gotta say - all in all, this actually isn't a horrible profile. He's being honest, upfront - and he used proper punctuation and spelling. The no-photo thing is creepy, though. Makes me think he's hiding something, even though he hardly seems modest.

The fact that this profile belongs to the only single guy within 50 miles of me that could spell the word "prescribed" is one of the chief reasons I'm single. There you have it.

Goes without saying

So, in the middle of realizing that I wouldn't hear from TG again, I did meet a new guy online. We'll call him Demo, in honor of his online user name - and the fact that he demolished my weekend.

In all fairness - Demo seemed like a nice enough guy. We only chatted once online, but he invited me to go see a movie we talked about, so I agreed. A couple of days later, he sent me a message, just saying he enjoyed our chat and was looking forward to the movie. The day of, he sent me a text to confirm, and let me know he'd ordered the tickets.

Sweet.

We met before show time, and decided to get a drink before heading into the theater. [I feel like a jerk for even saying this] I did some mental math. I had a soda, and he had a beer and appetizer. I'm figuring the bill had to be about $12 - and he left a $2 tip. That's reasonable - but not overly so. I guess I was thinking I'd have left more.

In the theater, and I asked him to choose the seats. Here's the thing - I have really bad arthritis in my knees, and my choice in seats is based on how I can best avoid steps. I wouldn't expect someone I just met to know this, and in all honesty, I try not to let my movie-going friends suffer for my genetic defect, anyway. I've learned to handle arthritis flare ups, swelling and general discomfort. But choosing a seat where my purse has to sit on the floor? This is not acceptable.

During the movie, Demo got a phone call. Now listen - I get it. Life happens. He has kids, and therefore I'm sure feels he can't be unreachable, which I respect. But he left the theater not once, not twice - but three times during the movie to take a call. This was after choosing a seat where I was on the aisle - so he climbed over me each time. On the way out, he apologized, saying it was his daughter - who, he said, was "having a fit" because he wasn't home.

Okay....

So you had an off night. That can happen to anyone. But after having an off night - you don't lean in for a coveted first-date kiss. Ever.


Am I being harsh? Maybe. But here's my thought on first dates: You never, ever know if it might be your first chance to impress the person you hope to be with forever. If your view of dating is that you want to find love and happily-ever-after, then you need to treat every first date like it's the most important date you'll ever have - because you never know when it just might be.

So, over-tip; choose your seats well (guys - your date's purse needs a seat); don't leave the theater for a call unless it's unavoidable - and if that's a possibility, sit on the aisle; don't sit with your arms crossed, as though you'd rather be anywhere but there; don't keep looking at your phone, as though you're late for something more important; don't take a call at the table; and if you've done any (or all) of this - don't presume that a hug or a kiss is okay.

And don't even get me started on how you should dress....

The Quiet Man: Part I

So, like I said - I got online and met a couple of guys. Last week, I told you about Pepe. Today, let me introduce you to Sean.

SN: That's not his real name; I named him after the John Wayne character in The Quiet Man - a movie I find dull, lifeless and which almost always puts me to sleep.

Sean seemed really nice - at first. Not too long after we started chatting, I realized we might be on different pages. Sean has no hobbies - none. Or, if he does, he doesn't talk about them. He reads and watches movies - and he felt we were a match made in heaven because, not only do I do those same things - we like the same movies and books.

Thing is - I can get along with anyone's book and/or movie interests. It doesn't really ignite a spark, if you know what I mean.

To make matters worse, Sean came on very strong. "Are you home yet?" became a routine offline message waiting for me when I signed in to check email. Did I mention we only chatted for a week?! The second night we chatted, I asked how long he'd been doing the online thing. He said a long time, then added, "But maybe we can both get off the site soon!" Really?!

Texting was worse. The day before our date, he texted me at 8:30 in the morning. (SN: Never do that.) Lucky for him, I was already awake. A few hours later, he says, "You're quiet today." Um, helllloooo....we're not together! And I'm shopping!

I already sort of knew this wouldn't work, but had promised to meet him for dinner, so I did. It did not go well. So, I hoped after the date, he'd just fade away.

Or not. Apparently, we were on completely different dates, because about an hour after I got home, I got a text that read, "I had a good time."

Awesome. Now what?

Best of the Worst: Who likes liers?

It makes me a little sad that it's this easy to find a bad profile, simply by clicking on the list of men who've viewed my profile. Then again - meh - we all need a good laugh. This one comes to us courtesy of a man in upstate NY, whose profile photo looks like it was taken in 1972 - with a camera that was outdated at that time. 

i like to meet a real nice lady.i like to have fun go to fairs dinner's and the movies and dance or cook a nice dinner at home and watch a movie or listing to music.with a candlelite dinners.i'm sick of head games.so if u don't want any headgames give me a yell.i'm shy at first but i warm up quick.so if u have any ? get hold of me and thank you for looking at my profile.another thing i don't like liers or players.i seen a lot on here.if u think i'm like openbook you can ask me any ? i will tell u the truth.i don't like to drink.and don't do drugs at all.so if u can't tell me the truth you should look somewhere other then mine profile,and i been finding a lot of lier's on here to so i'm thinking closeing this profile out

As usual, this was copied and pasted exactly as it appeared online. He, apparently, doesn't like liers. I don't blame him, either. According to freedictionary.com, lier means one who lies down, one who rests or remains, as in concealment. 


That sounds creepy - and a bit lazy. 

Best of the Worst: Ummm...married?

We haven't done one of these in a while. So, I wanted to share a real gem. This guy viewed me at one dating site, so I stumbled upon his profile. My only thought was: What the....?

*******************

Self Summary

Dear God, it keeps telling me this summary is too short. I'm married, to someone I met on this site. What the f**k more does this f**ing thing want? Jesus f**king Christ.

I am old, complex, and married.

What I'm doing with my life

Being married

The first thing people usually notice about me

Wedding ring

You should message me if...

You don't mind married guys who won't cheat, I guess? How the f**k should I know why you should message Me. You should message me if you know how to entirely delete the "I'm looking for" section of the profile, because it appears to MAKE you pick something.

********************

I desperately want to email this person and ask him why he doesn't go to account settings and delete his profile. I can't find anything in his profile that indicates he's looking for friends, or even for a swinging partner for him and his wife, both of which I've seen on this site.

Should I message him?
	No
	Yes, and be angry about it. Who does he think he is?
	Yes, and be funny about it - in a helpful way.
	Yes, and be sarcastic about it because he's a jerk.
	Get the hell off these dating websites and go out!!
pollcode.com free polls

Broken rules

After 28 Year Old, I did promise myself that I would be more flexible on the whole issue of age. After all - he was a super-nice guy, and if I'd stuck to my "no younger guys" rule, I never would have known.

So, the other night I got a message from a guy online. It was actually a missed IM, and it said, "You look lovely." That was it, nothing more. That's an awfully nice thing to say, so I checked out his profile. He was good-looking, his profile was well-written. He's into art, movies, live music, antiquing; he lists writer/artist as his profession and says he likes to travel. Sold!! Except...

He's 18 years older than me.


That's a whole lotta years. He could be my father. In fact, he's older than my best friend's step-father - and she's the same age as me!

But, I promised myself I wouldn't let age be the deciding factor anymore. Besides, worst case scenario, this would be a great blog story and make you guys laugh, right? The stuff I'll do in the name of a good blog post.
So, when he opened up another chat, I responded. He started out very nice, saying he really liked my profile, and that he thought we had some things in common. Then he said he hoped I didn't mind, but he likes to be very open.

Now - I'm a pretty open person. There's not a lot I won't discuss, and there's not a lot that offends me. However, I've made it pretty clear in my profile that I am looking for a relationship, and any relationship needs to build over time. I am of the opinion that you build a friendship and a rapport first - and then, if it clicks, you start with the personal stuff.

Apparently, this guy feels differently. About ten minutes in, Mr. I'm Refined and Cultured and Sophisticated wanted to discuss what he likes to do in bed. More specifically - what he'd like me to do to him.

Seriously? This was happening?

Thankfully, I have a sense of humor. If I hadn't been able to laugh - I think I might have cried.

I'm okay with a lot of things, and I'm willing to overlook a lot, too. But I'm not okay with being disrespected, or with a man who tries to excuse his poor behavior by calling it "upfront" and "honest." I'm also not okay with someone who repeatedly returns to a topic of conversation, even after I've asked him to let it go.

There are some rules I just won't bend.

The tough thing about modern dating

Is it the horrible online profiles? The endless emails that lead nowhere? The awkward first date with someone you've only "met" online? The strange text messages, or the ones you wish you never sent?

For me, the toughest thing about modern dating is....the breakup that never really happens.

Nowadays, when you date someone, they become part of your online existence. You're friends on facebook, and twitter and foursquare, and - who knows where else? Do you unfriend them? You could, I suppose - but that's your network. It's your life, in some ways. And unfriending is like saying they were never there to begin with - like they didn't matter.

But if you keep them around, you run the risk of seeing things you don't want to see - and knowing things an ex shouldn't really know. Sometimes it pops up when you least expect it. Just when you thought you didn't care anymore - you realize, you do.

Maybe you don't really care about him. Maybe it's just that seeing him with her is upsetting because it's a reminder of where you're not. Not because you want to be with him - but because you know you're not where you want to be.

Or maybe it bothers you to see others be so nice to him. Not because he's not nice, because he is. Not because he doesn't deserve friends, because he does. Maybe just because it hurts sometimes that he was so mean, so hurtful and so cruel - and he got away with it.

The thing is, modern dating also means we have modern friendships. We have more chances to connect; to find friends, and a support group to rally around us when we need them. Sort of like a virtual version of what my friend Sassy Singleton writes about here.

That happened to me over the weekend. I was down - really down - about some things I was seeing about Big. A friend stepped in and really cheered me up. She reminded me that I'm better off without him; and she's right. I am. I guess I just needed the reminder.

I guess the thing is - we could disconnect from the ex. But in this world of online connections and virtual friendships, it's really more about adapting and making that a part of the healing process. Thanks to the online world, we reap the rewards of those added friendships.

Part of growing is learning to take the bad with the good.

No-dating zone

Currently, I have a couple of "interests." One is a guy I met online who seems alarmingly normal, and therefore we won't be talking about him. Yet.

The other is a fun story. Let me go back to the beginning.

I was in college; freshman year. There was an upperclassman a bunch of my friends thought was just wonderful. I met him at some party/bar thing, and promptly developed a crush that lasted...well...until my next crush. (What? I was 18!)

A couple of years ago, I was at a birthday party my cousin was throwing for her husband. We all went to the same college; and they'd invited a couple of friends of theirs, also from college. The friends showed up with their cute-as-can-be baby girl. The guy looked familiar; I assumed it was just a vague college connection.

Think I connect those dots? If you do then you clearly don't read this blog regularly. Stick with me, I'm almost there. 

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. I connect with another guy from college on twitter. I start following his blog, where he regularly has friends contribute. Who shows up as a guest blogger? My crush from freshman year!

I followed him on twitter; he friended me on facebook. As I often do when I add a new friend, I checked out his profile (I like to see who I know that also knows other people I know - ya know?). Who shows up as a mutual friend? My cousin (the one who had the birthday party).

Yes, she knows him well from college. Yes, he is single - having broken up with the girlfriend he was with the night I met them at the birthday party. (Note to self: I really need to be more observant.) I decide this makes him officially undateable and forget the whole thing.

Then the other night - he opens a facebook chat and we start talking. For like two hours. About work, people, music, etc. He mentions he saw one of my online dating profiles, and we start chatting about being single and dating horror stories.

The next day my cousin announces that he is, in fact, dateable. The friend broke up with him, she and I aren't close anyway, etc.

So what do you think, readers? Dateable? Or am I in a no-dating zone?

Yeah, that...

Ever wonder...

• Why a guy would send you the exact same email he already sent you once - as though it's the first time he's contacted you? 
• Who the women are that wouldn't notice that? 
• Why a guy who doesn't know you and owes you nothing would go to the trouble of saying he'd like your phone number so that you could meet - only to not call? Why not just say nothing? 
• Why the same friends who say it's so cool that you're single, and that they think you're awesome for not settling, turn around and settle for guys who treat them poorly, just so they don't have to be alone?
• Who would include the word computer in their user name, and then say they're not much for writing email messages?
• Why guys assume that because you're on a dating website, you are looking for casual sex? There are sites for that if that's what you're looking for.

You know those days when things just don't seem to be going right, and everything seems a little bit more challenging than it should be? Yeah, that....