Double standard

Every now and then, I think of something I want to blog about here...and then I either can't find the time, or am too busy doing other stuff when I do have the time, or am way too tired when I find the time, or I forget the idea (or how I intended for it to be a whole post).


Some of this is a side-effect of my new job, and the added work it creates. It has really gotten in the way of my work-day goof-off time, which was also prime blogging time.


Some of this is a side-effect of spending time with Toyfriend - which should probably be a post in itself, about finding balance between relationship time and time for myself. Just so you know, I have plenty of self time - I just spend it doing other stuff.


I'll work on it.


Today, though, I have stuff reasonably under control at work, so I've decided to take the time to write about something that has really been bothering me.


The side-effect on my friendships.


Between the fact that I spend a lot of time with Toyfriend, and the fact that my work is taking over a lot of my time, I have had less time to spend with friends. Not no time - I will always have time for my friends. Not only because it's what I want, but also because Toyfriend is very supportive and would always want me to take that time.


Mostly, I think my friends get it. They know I'm busier and trying to find time in my schedule for everything. Plus, most of my friends are in relationships - it's not like they had a ton of time for me before, and they understand wanting to be with my person. Especially since it's new, and Toyfriend and I still actually like each other.


But some friends seem miffed that I have less time. Which, I could probably understand, if not for the fact that these same friends have cancelled plans on me in the past because something better (read: a guy) came along (actually most of these friends have cancelled on and/or excluded me altogether for better offers that came from a variety of places, not just guys).

I guess I'm just finding it a little unfair that I'm in trouble for doing something every one of them has done to me - but that was OK. Seems to me the standard should be equal, and not different depending on who has the new boyfriend.

But, I also get it. I've been pretty available for, like, ever and haven't had any one particular person in my life who took up the majority of my time. I'm sure people have come to expect that I will be around, and my absence might feel personal - like I'm just not making the time for them.

For what it's worth, I guess my advice is this....

If you have a friend who has recently found someone, cut her some slack, especially if it seems this is a guy who may be around for a while. She's probably doing her best. If she refuses to make plans, or cancels all the time, don't be afraid to call her out. But if she is making plans - and especially if you're the one canceling - give her a little credit.

If you're single, don't spend too much time with your friends. You're setting the bar too high.

Shine on

The last few weeks have been tough. I have struggled with sorting through some feelings, trying to decide if I want to open myself up to dating again (more on that later), and struggles with friends. Add the holiday and family stress, and I'm about spent.

Don't even get me started on my New Years Eve plans.

It occurs to me that I just need to focus my energy on the good stuff. What's meant to be, will be. In the meantime, I'm free to do what I want with whomever. I can enjoy my friends (and the family I like), and I spend time with those friends who fill my life with smiles.

Plus - shopping.

Sometimes life isn't how you hoped or planned. Sometimes you're not too sure of yourself, or your choices.

All you can do is keep pushing forward, focus on the good, and hope for the best.

Shine on.

Not the girlfriend

So, Engineer is getting married next month (yay!). He invited me with a "plus one." At first, I wasn't going to bring a date. Going solo wouldn't bother me. I'd just chat and make friends with my table-mates.

But it's a formal affair, with dinner and dancing - and no one I know. The more I thought, the more I felt it might be more fun with a date.

The thing is - I'm not at the "wedding date stage" with anyone at the moment (remember - timing is everything). It would be relationship suicide for me to invite someone who might not show up, anyway. If you think I'm tough on people who cancel on me, you don't want to see what I'd do to someone who canceled on my friend.

So - I invited Trooper.

For those keeping track, or if you're new around here - yes, I'm taking a guy I used to date to the wedding of another guy I used to date.

The thing is- Trooper will be a great date. He'll be on time, he looks absolutely phenomenal in a suit (and knows to wear one). He'll open doors, pull out chairs, and help me with my coat. He's met Engineer, and is super-fun at a party. He might even dance with me.

He even responded to the invitation perfectly. He thanked me for inviting him, and said he'd love to go. No one is ever that enthusiastic about hanging out with me - and definitely not for something like a wedding.

I thought to myself, wouldn't it be nice to meet a guy who would respond that way? I mean, one who wants to date me. They're never that nice.

Then it occurred to me - that's probably one of the main reasons Trooper was so cool. It's not a "date" since we're just friends. No date means no pressure. Since I'm not his girlfriend, he's free to say no. That freedom makes everything more pleasant.

Of course, dating takes away some of that freedom. A guy who is in a relationship feels obligated to say yes, to keep his girlfriend/wife happy. But what does that say about dating? That it's a series of unpleasant obligations, done so that you don't have to meet new people?

What about my hope, to meet The One? A guy who will be nice to me, even when I'm asking him to do something he doesn't want? I'd have better luck finding a leprechaun to lead me to his pot of gold.

I suppose there is always the possibility that nice guys exist. Even when we dated, Trooper was a good guy (but don't tell him I said so).

If I found one, perhaps another isn't too much to ask.

Urban legends

I used to think meeting the guy was just an urban legend. Like Loch Ness, or Champ (for those who know Upstate New York lore) or finding the perfect bra. Except, I personally know several women who have met wonderful men, and from the very first date, have known that he was The Guy.

One is a brand-new relationship - but the other two live together and are planning to get married. I know all these women pretty well, and I can tell you - these couples are the meant-to-be sort.

"This is the first time I'm not wondering anything..."

Just knowing that this sort of happiness is out there makes me feel a little hopeful. These are all women my age, dating in a post-divorce life where many think real love really is just a myth. It makes me smile, knowing that my friends - each of whom deserves all the happiness she can find - have found men who make their hearts happy.

It's also hopeful. Everyone's the guy is different, and everyone's perfect relationship is unique. It's just nice to think that honest, genuine happiness really does exist. It gives even the most cynical dater (ahem) something to look forward to.

I just may find that perfect bra after all.

Devil is in the details

I was talking with a good friend last night who I don't get to see as often as I'd like. She's wonderful and smart and funny and she gets me. She asked me what was new - and she meant with everything. Of course, I eventually filled her in on the current state of my dating life.

Somehow, we got on the subject of how certain friends and family seem very concerned that I am not currently in a relationship. She asked me why some people feel the need - or right - to offer an opinion. She suggested not sharing any dating news, and see if that helps.

But it occurs to me that writing this blog sort of opens my life up to curiosity, opinions, and advice. The truth is, no matter how frustrating unsolicited advice can be, I know it comes from a good place when it comes from my friends.

I don't blog about every dating experience (though I do blog about most). Even my closest friends don't know every little detail of every single date. What I share are those highlights that are funny, or that make me think (or both).

But the devil is in the details, as they say. My feelings and perspective is made up of all my experiences - including those I don't share.

That's the part that's frustrating - knowing that the (very well-intentioned) advice being offered can't possibly factor in every piece of information.

I can't do much about that. I couldn't possibly share everything - and if I did, no one would want to hear it all anyway. But my friends still love me and want me to be happy. They will still offer advice based on what they know.

I'll just have to sort it through as best I can.

Top ten reasons I like being single

If you're single, and don't really want to be, there's plenty about the single life that can suck. It's easy to focus on those qualities and forget all the things that make single life absolutely fabulous.

So, as a reminder for myself, and my fellow singles (inspired by this post I found while looking for some pictures)...

10 - I don't have to share my closets or my remote control.

9 - I can cuddle with my cat at night without anyone complaining.

Source

8 - I come and go as I please without consulting anyone.

7 - Coming and going applies to events too - I arrive when I want and leave when I'm ready.

6 - The only messes I pick up (or not) are my own.

5 - I never have to miss out on anything because it's football season.

4 - I have had plenty of bad dates, and made plenty of mistakes...which mean I have great stories.

3 - I have become very aware of who I am, what I want, and what I deserve.

2 - I know I don't have to settle.

1 - I know exactly who my best friends are, who I can count on, who will always have my back - and who won't.

What not to say to a single friend

Advice from friends is great, and always welcome. I've learned that even advice not taken can be helpful. I mean, even bad advice can help you find perspective.

But unsolicited advice is tough sometimes. Big used to say "unsolicited advice is criticism," which I always found to be wise. If a friend hasn't asked for advice, chances are, she either doesn't know there's an issue, or she already has a solution. Either way, pointing it out might feel like criticism.

Singles get advice all the time - most often from people in relationships. Sometimes it's helpful; other

Found it here

times, it's just frustrating. I like to think I have a fairly good handle on being single. I certainly have plenty of experience; I have also put a lot of effort into turning negatives into positives.

Still, now and then I get a little sad. I might feel rejected, or doubtful, or lonely, or even angry. The thing is, I know that's temporary, and I know ways to overcome. I think I'm still entitled to my feelings.

So sometimes, advice frustrates me. I feel like - wait, I'm pretty good at this whole single thing. Being single shouldn't automatically make me wrong. So why do you assume I need advice?

There are a few things I'm very tired of hearing. Inspired from this Buzzfeed list, my favorites are...

Trust God's Plan

I actually find this to be a helpful reminder. That's because I believe in God's plan for my life, and trust that if I listen to Him, things will turn out the way they're meant to.

The reason I'm not a fan of this advice is because if a single person doesn't believe in God, the advice could be a little discouraging. Who wants to think their happiness depends on a deity they either don't believe in, or don't have a relationship with?

If everyone felt this way, Christian Mingle would be the only dating site, and Stir Events would be at church. If you know this reminder will be helpful to a single friend, by all means, share. If you're not sure, keep your mouth shut and offer ice cream instead.

Maybe it's time to work on yourself

Unless you're new around here, you know I'm in favor in taking a break from dating. If you're single and dating long enough, it can start to feel like a job. Like any other work, you can get burned out. A break is good. However....

Growth and self-improvement should be a life-long pursuit. Something that should continue even in a committed relationship. Married people don't file for separation every time they start a new hobby...so why should a single person have to be alone to learn or grow?

If you want to give this advice, tread carefully. It could come across as a suggestion that there is something specific wrong with your friend - that is keeping her from finding love - that she needs to improve. She might start to think that every bad date, every guy who treated her poorly was her fault - even if she knows she can't be more than 50% responsible for any issue.

Plenty of people find happiness without love

If there was ever a hot mess of relationship advice, here it is.

First - it sounds like giving up. Like you're suggesting that your single friend raise the white flag, adopt 100 cats, and become a hermit.

Second - it's a little unfair. Sure, people can choose to be single, and be very happy. But I guarantee your single friend is thinking, "Why don't I get to choose? What's wrong with me that I don't deserve a happily ever after?" You've just reminded your friend of every, single thing she dislikes about herself.

Of course we know that wasn't your intention. You're trying to be encouraging, and remind her there are other ways to find happiness. That's fine - but you might want to frame it as temporary, unless you want to find your friend on an episode of Hoarders.


Here's the thing.... Whether your friend is newly single (as in just through a breakup) or has been single a while but feeling down, she's in a sensitive place. Your advice, while very good and well-intended, might come across as critical. Be prepared that your friend, in her very vulnerable state, might see it that way.

The good news is, your friend probably knows this stuff already. She'll snap out of it, and come around on her own.

The truth is, if she hasn't learned the lesson yet, she probably won't take your advice, anyway. Some lessons we just have to learn for ourselves.

Friend zone

I see a lot of men online who are just looking for friends...or who want to date but nothing serious...or who just want to "see where it goes."

I get the point. You enter online dating feeling like you just want to meet the first person who makes sense and settle down into a relationship. After a while, you realize that does not work. You get to a point where you really just want love and romance to happen naturally. You're still meeting people online - hey, it can't happen naturally if it never gets started - but you want to make sure it's clear you won't be rushing into a relationship. You want to give yourself time and space to allow feelings to happen and develop - and freedom to move on if they don't.

It would be great if no one felt they had to make that clear. It should go without saying that's how dating  works. Unfortunately, in the world of online dating, it doesn't. People easily leap to the conclusion that

Found it here

just because you're talking, that means you're dating. If you go out to dinner, they're ready to start picking out China patterns and baby names.

Some people take it too far, though. [By "people" I of course mean men, but that's only because I only have experience dating men. I'm sure women are just as guilty] By just messaging now and then (maybe once or twice a week) and keeping it superficial (How's your week going? How was your weekend?) it's very hard to make any sort of a connection.

If you're not connecting, you always have at least one foot in the dreaded friend zone.

Don't get me wrong - I know some people truly are looking for friendship, and that's cool. I also know sometimes people do this because after the initial conversation (or maybe even a first meeting) they prefer to just be friends.

I'm talking about people who want more - and want a chance to get to know this person better to see if they want more with her - but still hold back. It's like they're resisting saying or doing what they really feel because they figure it'll make them seem more interested than they want (even if that's how interested they really are), so they keep their steps in check.

I understand not wanting to get hurt. I understand not wanting to settle. I understand not wanting to rush into anything, or feel pressure (or pressure someone else). I also understand not wanting to become "just friends" with someone when you're feeling more. I understand wanting a relationship.

Seems to me there's a better answer than going to either extreme. There's no rule that says you have to either jump in without looking, or sit on the shore without even getting your feet wet. Not everything has to be a big leap; there is something to be said for taking small steps.

After all, if you want love to do its thing and "happen naturally," at some point you have to get out of the way - and let it happen.

NaBloPoMo - No love?

Today's writing prompt is...

Do you think people can live without love?

Technically, we need food, water, and shelter to sustain life. So I suppose, if you break it down that way - sure, a person can survive without love.

But truly live? No. I don't believe so.

Life is about more than survival. It's about finding joy and smiles and happiness. It's about knowing you have touched another person's life. It's about knowing you mean the world to someone. It's about letting someone mean the world to you. Life is about embracing all the world has to offer.

Life is about loving.

The good news is - it doesn't have to be romantic love. I'm living proof that's not a requirement to a fulfilling life.

If you don't want romantic love - or even if you do want it, and just don't have it right now - find love other places. Find love with your family and your friends. Love your work; love a hobby. Love a pet. Love a pair of shoes.

Love yourself.

Love your life.

Then you'll truly be living.

NaBloPoMo - Friends with exes

Today's writing prompt is...

Do you remain friends with exes after you break up?

I'm pretty sure we covered this territory before. If we haven't, the fact that I'm constantly referring to advice from X and Engineer should be a hint that I remain friends with exes.

Not all exes, though.

For instance - Big and I don't speak. I think he was pretty annoyed when he found this blog, though we spoke a few times after. The truth is, I haven't seen him in person since the day we broke up (almost 2 1/2 years ago). We are still friends on social media (twitter, facebook, etc.) but we never interact.

I'd like to say it's because we have nothing in common, or that we were too in love to stay friends, or that our friendship just didn't develop enough strength.

But that wouldn't be true.

The truth is...I wasn't mature enough to stay friends with Big. He's a good man. He may have used poor judgment, but whatever he did, it wasn't any worse than some things that have been done to me since. Love is tough, and relationships are difficult. I didn't realize that what he did was...well...kinda normal. I had a lot to learn, and in the meantime, it cost me a friend. Truly my loss.

They say people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Those who come for a reason are here to teach us something, or serve a purpose. Those who come for a season are here to get us through a difficult time, or maybe enhance a happy time. Once the purpose or the time is met, that person leaves our life. It may feel sad, but it truly is something for which we should be grateful. Life sent us that person to bring the help we needed - like a guardian angel.

Those who are meant to be in our lives for a lifetime - well, they don't ever leave. Their role might change (from lover to friend, for example) but they'll always be there. For this, we should also be grateful. A forever-friend is truly a blessing.

It's true that X, Trooper and Engineer have each come and gone and come back to my life in their own way and time, but I think the fact that they found their way back is what shows they are forever friends. I guess Big was a season for me. He taught me a lot; and I am forever grateful.

(There are also exes who just simply don't deserve friendship - either because they were jerks, or they weren't around long enough for a true friendship to develop. But that's a different post.)

NaBloPoMo - Three words

Today's writing prompt...

When was the last time you said, "I love you."

Love is a big deal in relationships. If you tell someone too soon, it might scare him away. If you don't say it soon enough, it might turn her off. If one person says it and the other doesn't respond, that's often game-over.

X and I said "I love you" every time we said goodbye, whether one of us was leaving the house, or we were ending a phone conversation, or whatever. Every. Single. Time. I told him once I thought it was important because you never know when you're speaking the last words someone might hear from you. I wanted us to be sure those words were always filled with love, even if we were arguing or unhappy or stressed.

X was the last man to whom I said those words.

But love comes in many, many forms. I tell my closest friends I love them. I say I love you to my best friend's little kids each time I say goodbye. I tell my kitties I love them everyday. 

The NaBloPoMo theme for February is Love and Sex - so obviously, they want me talking about that kind of "I love you." But I think talking about the other "I love yous" is as important, if not more.

It's been a while since I felt a romantic "I love you." Sure, I've felt close with men - but no one to whom I said those words. What's important is that love is still in my life - and I know how to feel it and find it.

If I couldn't recognize the love I already have, how would I ever be ready for more to come into my life?

Shop for dates

I spent the better part of a week explaining how I felt about this situation to various friends. For the most part, everyone came back with similar responses: I was asking too much, being too picky, and trying to push things too far, too fast.

I began racking my brain to come up with a way to explain how I feel. I wanted to compare my feelings to something else that people might understand. Comparisons are tough for me, but just flat-out stating my feelings wasn't working. Finally, I came up with a way to (hopefully) describe how I feel, using an activity at which I'm much more successful than dating:

Shopping!

Which, if you think about it, makes sense. Dating and shopping are very similar. Both involve searching for the perfect [insert desired result here]. Both can be done spontaneously, or with a fair amount of planning. Both can yield a tremendous amount of happiness and pleasure, or stress and frustration - and usually to extremes either way. Both require a fair amount of psyching up, but are ultimately necessary.

All of that, plus shopping and dating are my two main hobbies.

First of all - when I shop, it's either because I have to (think groceries) or because I want to (think shoes).

When I have to go shopping, I try to get in and get out as quickly as possible. I don't really put in a lot of effort, and either end up buying the same things over and over because I don't want to take the time to think of something new, or I try something new without thinking it through, and end up dissatisfied.

When I want to go shopping, I'm usually enthusiastic and full of energy. I almost always have fun. Even if I don't find exactly what I'm searching for, I enjoy the process. I try not to get too specific an idea in my head about what I want, so as not to steer myself away from something good. I go with a general idea about what would work best, what it is I really need, and what is going to make me happy.

Sometimes, I see something on the shelf or the rack and know, immediately, that I need to take the item home. It is exactly what I want, and there is no doubt in my mind. Other times, I find something I might like - and I'll pick it up and walk around the store, mulling over the purchase while I look for something I might like better.

I've found things I love both ways. I've also ended up with items in my closet that go unworn for months (even a year) because I bought without careful consideration. I don't necessarily regret the purchase - but I tell myself I will be more careful next time.

For years, I approached dating with the idea that it was something I had to do. Finding a boyfriend was like shopping for groceries: Something I needed, that wouldn't just show up on my doorstep, so I had to go out and look. But I wasn't enjoying the process, so I wanted to go in and get out as quickly as possible. This resulted in repeating the same behaviors, and eventually, the same mistakes.

I finally learned that the have-to attitude doesn't work when dating. It's kind of like grocery shopping when you're hungry - you buy a whole bunch of stuff you don't really need, that you'll only regret later. It was time for a break.

When I came back, I had a much more positive, want-to attitude toward dating. I was a little more choosy - but not to the point of overlooking anyone who seemed to have potential. This meant that I ended up picking up a bunch of options that weren't really right for me, while I wandered around, looking for something better.

This was an improvement, but still not exactly what I wanted.

The last few months, and guys, have been a struggle for me. I have cried more than I should, doubted myself way too much, and driven myself into a depression that I am now fighting to escape. However, it has been worth the trouble, because I've learned something.

I'm tired of having to shop. I'm also tired of picking up a bunch of maybes while I search for the right choice. I want to find the one about which I have no doubt. I want the one that, from the moment I lay eyes on him, I know he's the one.

Not only that...I want to find someone who feels the same about me. No doubts. No worries. No what ifs. Just - she's the one.

I know I'll occasionally slip back into wandering mode. Let's face it - dating is also like shopping in that I sometimes do it just because I'm bored. But I plan to stop holding on to options. I am switching to window shopping mode - I'm not even going to pick up anything I don't absolutely love at first-sight.

I realize that means I might put back something that would do just fine - but that's OK with me. I'm not looking for just fine - I'm looking for the one.

I know what you're thinking. "Doesn't she realize she's asking too much? Or being too picky? Setting expectations too high?" No one can plan that moment when you find exactly what you want. It just happens. If you're not open to anything, you might miss out.

The answer is - yes, I know. I know I'm being picky, and probably a little unfair and unreasonable. I know that setting this high an expectation means I may never find anyone who meets it.

I understand it all.

For the first time - ever - it's OK with me.

A tone for 2013

I dreaded writing this post, but I suppose it needs to be done. The blogosphere loves a good year-end recap, and since what I write about is dating... Sigh. Let's just get this over with, shall we?

2012 started off just ducky. I thought I'd found the love of my life; my happily-ever-after. He turned out to be nothing more than a really well-disguised frog who broke my heart and sent me reeling into months of grief and heartache. Thank goodness for good friends.

Then I met a guy who, though it didn't work out, taught me an awful lot about myself. I learned what I really want from a relationship, and what I need to change in order to find it. Plus he took me on a really good vacation.

I also met a couple of OK guys. One taught me that ridiculously good-looking guys could actually be interested in me. A valuable lesson, which helped me to meet another guy.

I attempted a dating nap - and failed miserably. It's coming, trust me.

I went on a few really bad dates. Eventually, I met a guy I really like, which has led to very little positive. You haven't heard about him, because I can't even find words to describe how I feel. Yes, it is that bad, and that is how the year is ending.

Still, 2012 wasn't a total loss. I learned a lot, did a lot, and made some important decisions. I made some bad choices, which led to some good stories.

But I'm not sorry to see 2012 go.

I plan to ring in 2013 alone; home with my new TV, my BluRay (both courtesy of X), and my kitties. I believe that 2013 will be a good year, full of positive choices and options, and new, exciting stories. I believe 2013 will be a year full of happy. I believe that any good I find will start within me. 

So the tone I'm setting for 2013 is one of peace and quiet, and comfort and happiness - all found with me, and me alone. I'm hoping it helps me to find the center I'll need to move forward and make 2013 a fabulous year.

"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties." Hellen Keller

Take it from me

A lot of people ask me for advice on dating - what to say, how to write a profile, how to read a guy. I suppose this is because I've been dating for almost four years.

I'm also asked for advice on singlehood - again, I suppose because in between my brief relationships over the last few years, I've become somewhat of an expert at being single.

I'm rarely (if ever) asked for advice about marriage. I suppose that makes sense. I mean - I'm divorced. By default, I'm not really qualified to give advice on how to have a "successful" marriage.

It's a little funny to me that people think of me as an "expert" in something at which I'm relatively new, and a complete failure at something I did for most of my adult life. After all, I was cohabitating/married a lot longer than I've been divorced and living on my own.

I think maybe it's less about how long you did what, and more about what you've done most recently.

Things change as you go through life. When you're in your twenties, never married, and no kids - "single" looks much different than it does when you're divorced in your thirties and raising kids on your own. In your twenties, it's new and exciting. In your thirties, it's a failure, and something you never thought you'd have to figure out.

So the thirty-year-old single woman can't really offer a lot of guidance to the twenty-year-old. After all - she's not dealing with the same things. It's possible she never did; but even if she's been where her friend is, things are different and the rules have changed.

Longevity means very little, too. There are a ton of couples out there who have been married for a long time. Does that automatically qualify them to give advice on how to have a good marriage? I don't think so. Many of them are married only  because they don't believe in divorce.

No one really needs advice on how to not get divorced - just don't. By the same token, no one really needs advice on how to find a date and/or a mate. Find someone devoted to you, and stick with him.

When people want advice, what they're looking for is advice on how to do something right. How do I make my marriage good and satisfying and healthy so that neither of us wants a divorce? How do I go about finding the person who best fits my life, and what I want and need from a relationship?

There's so much relationship advice out there. If you're not careful, it will chase you around every corner. Books, blogs, magazines...movies, television...you name it, someone is looking to share her "expert" advice.

Around these parts, I'm the expert (Ha - you're all screwed!). Want to know what I think?

No one can give you the perfect advice. At best, she can offer an objective, constructive opinion based on what she's learned about herself, and what she knows about you. She can share her own experiences, and tell you what worked for her and what didn't.

In the end, it's up to you to sift through the information and figure out what will work best for you. In order to do that - you need to really know yourself.

That is the best advice I have to offer to anyone.

Just so we're clear

Big broke up with me...and I dated a few guys right away. Too soon, it turned out, and I did a love cleanse to get some perspective. Then I took nearly a year to focus on myself - took care of some personal goals, got a new career started, reconnected with friends, and nurtured some new relationships. Sometimes I casually dated, but there was nothing serious.

Then I met Trooper...and I really believed that was a good thing. My mistake.

I did another thirty day cleanse. I started some new volunteer opportunities, which I love, and have become a big part of my life. Then met someone. We dated. I could have stuck with it, but I ultimately decided that being alone for the right reasons was better than being with someone for the wrong reasons. So I walked away from what was, in many ways, a good relationship, because I decided I wanted more for myself. 

I met a couple of other guys. Decided if it didn't work, I was going to take another break. I took a short break, then I went on a few dates. Now, I'm on a pseudo-break.

I'm by no means perfect. I know I make a lot of mistakes, and my choices are sometimes questionable at best. 

But I am not a complete failure, either. I have grown, and changed, and learned an awful lot since that first heart break 2+ years ago. I am a better person - and I know myself a lot better. 

Sure, I've gone on dates because I was bored. I have gone on dates simply to find fodder for this blog. But occasionally, I go on dates because somehow, I've come across a man who seems interesting, and I want to give him a chance. 

At a party not too long ago, a friend said his advice to a single friend was that maybe she needed to accept that she may never find anyone. He hypothesized that coming to terms with that reality, and being genuinely OK with her single life, would be the catalyst to finding true love.

Which makes sense, if you think about it. I mean, leave it to a guy to show up just as you've accepted that you don't really need him, and screw up everything. 

Just so we're clear - I like being single. I enjoy my life. I am not willing to settle just so I can say I'm in a relationship. I know my life is good just the way it is. 

I waiver between accepting that I won't find a relationship, and hoping that I just might. It's a tough balance, and from the outside looking in, it might not seem I have it under control.

But I do.

I used to hope for a relationship - when I went out with anyone who asked, and my only criteria was that he be willing to stick around. Then I hoped for that relationship - when I had a specific list of criteria, and rejected anyone who wasn't exactly perfect.

Now I hope for the relationship - the one that will show me why it never worked out with the rest.

It's a tough balance between hoping for something special, and being content with what I already have. It's like self-esteem - a tough balance between being proud of who you are, while still striving to improve. 

Just so we're clear...I'll never be perfect. I'll just always be me. 

Glass houses and stones

I have made a crap-ton of mistakes in my life. I could write a book (or a blog - Ha!). I am, in many ways, a shining example of all the things not to do when it comes to relationships. I'm pretty good at giving people advice on their situations, but when it comes to my own life, I guess my personal investment clouds my judgment.

This isn't news to me, and it shouldn't be news to anyone who knows me. I make no bones about the fact that I don't always make what most would consider smart choices. I put myself out there too much; I'm often too nice; I don't always stand up for myself when I should; and I forgive way, way too easily. I also get down on myself entirely too much, though I'm working on that.

I know my friends don't want to see me hurt again. Especially those friends who watched me go dragged me through the breakup with Trooper. I was a mess, and I know I wouldn't want to see that happen to anyone I love. I imagine they feel the same.

So when I do something that seems out of character, or maybe not the safest or best choice, they naturally question why. I get that, and I love them all for it.

But it still hurts to have someone who you admire and respect look at you as though what you did was completely stupid. It stings, just a little, when someone suggests maybe your choices aren't the best, even after you try to explain why you did what you did, and how you feel.

Source

I think maybe it's partly because I get a little defensive anytime I feel like I have to explain myself to anyone. I'm an adult. I'm independent and self-sufficient. I take care of myself. I'm not a risk-taker at all, so you can believe that anything I do has been thoroughly thought out, and necessary precautions have been taken. I guess I feel like that's stuff those who know me the best should already...well, know.

The thing is, I don't necessarily volunteer all information. For someone who blogs her whole life and will answer any question without reservation - I don't give it up that quickly on my own. I also think things through quickly. So, on Monday morning I might be all down in the dumps and worried about something. By that afternoon, I may have found some much-needed perspective, and feel 100% better. So, when people make a snap judgment about how foolish or careless my choices are, they're often doing so without all the information. At that point, if I try to explain what I was thinking/feeling - it sounds like I'm making excuses.

I'm very, very aware that I make mistakes. I over-analyze, worry when I shouldn't, and avoid problems when I should deal with them head-on. Sometimes I invest too quickly; other times, I keep my guard up and don't invest quickly enough. I pretend to care less than I do, or sometimes I seem to come on too strong.

I'm not perfect; but that's me. What I do is out of love and compassion and a sincere desire to find a good, honest, healthy relationship with someone who makes me as happy as I make him. I firmly believe that the right person will recognize and appreciate those intentions.

But if I hide what I really want, it's going to be awfully hard for him to find out. So in the meantime, I have to be myself - faults, mistakes, bad choices, and all.

I'm careful and I (OK, mostly) know what I'm doing. Even if something doesn't turn out the way I want, I wouldn't call it a mistake; I'd call it a choice, and one that I made knowing full well what the consequences might be. I know myself well enough to know what I can handle, and I don't do anything that will push me past my limits.

I'm going to get hurt. I'm going to cry. I'm going to be disappointed and angry. I know it's coming; the only way to avoid it is to close myself off and not let anyone in. If I want a relationship, that's not an option. I'm at a point where I know I can handle the little bit of pain I may have to suffer in order to get what I want.

The one thing I can't handle is harsh words or looks from people who I know have made just as many mistakes as I have, yet somehow feel they are better than me, simply because they're in a different place now.

I'll continue to write about my mistakes honestly and freely here. But at least for now, this glass house is officially closed off to visitors.

Finding a friend

I'm on a train, on my way to visit a friend who I haven't seen in a year. I miss her terribly. She's one of my most favorite people on Earth - literally. Before she moved to distant lands, we spent a lot of time together, especially the spring and summer after Big, when I was "on a relationship hiatus."

Once we started spending time together, we found out that she used to work at a place where X worked, as a trainer. Turns out - he trained her in one of her first "professional" jobs after college. So, we've been connected before, just never knew.

I suppose back then, I didn't really need a younger, single, strong, independent friend. I was married (happily), and settled in life. Several years later, I did need someone to show me how fulfilling and happy the single life can be. I did need someone to help me find how much strength I really had inside, and how much I really love the life I have.

My friend may not realize this, but she's probably one of my biggest inspirations. I look up to her - and not just because she's, like, 7 inches taller than I am.

Life is funny, that way. We move around, find new places and take up new interestes. We meet new people, and expand our circles. We find new friends who we think will be around forever - then life takes those people away.

But the truly important people? The ones who make the most difference, and leave the biggest impact?

They were there all along, and they're never really that far away.

When do you let go?

You know that moment in a relationship where you think - this isn't right; how did I get here?! Then you do the swift, easy, spur-of-the-moment-because-you-just-know-it's-right thing and end things, right there, right then?

Yeah, me neither.

When I look back on a dead relationship, I can see where that moment maybe should have been. Where the thread started to unravel, and any normal, rational, sane person would have cut the string and moved on.

Thing is - love isn't always normal, rational, or sane.

Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm that girl who hangs on longer than she should. When I see a problem, I don't immediately run away. I look for a solution. When I don't find a solution - I keep looking. I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with being persistant, and loyal, and dedicated. Those are excellent traits, particularly with a significant other. Once I promise my love to you - you're sort of stuck with it (whether you like it or not).

That passion does become a problem when I stop looking for a solution, and start hiding from the problem. Or pretending the problem doesn't exist. Or blaming it on circumstances outside the relationship.

I don't do it on purpose. I just get so caught up in how much I love someone, and how much I want things to work because I believe they should, that I stop seeing what's right in front of me.

I think that's when it helps to have a little faith. Faith reminds us that decisions aren't always about how we feel, or even what we can see. Faith is about trusting our heart, and knowing that even if a choice is a little uncomfortable - or even scary - it must be right, at least in that moment.

That's also when it helps to have friends, who really know you. Who don't judge or lecture. Who do ask questions that make you stop and think, and really see what's right in front of you. Or who help you listen, and hear what's already in your heart.

"Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go - and then do it." Ann Landers