Status matters

First, let me say that I know this isn't true of everyone. It's my own prejudice, and I recognize it may cost me some good connections. I'm not judging any one person, or individual situations - just telling my side.

OK, now that that's out of the way...

Dating sites are all a little different, but one thing they have in common is the basics. They all ask you to complete a list of one-word answers, usually from a drop-down menu, to give an overview of who you are and what you want. Age, gender, city, occupation, sometimes birthday (or astrological sign) - and usually, your status.

By status, I mean are you single (as in, never been married), divorced, or widowed? Some sites, particularly those who also ask if you're looking for a relationship or just hook-ups, might even let you say you're "available" or even show your status as married. Yep, it's rare, but you do find people who are looking for casual sex and are upfront about the fact that they are married.

I (obviously) avoid people who say they're married. If "available" is an option, I usually avoid those people, too. Seems to me available means they are otherwise involved, but still looking for other options.

I stick to single, divorced, or widowed men. I generally don't start conversations with men who say they're separated. (I say generally because I don't rule it out completely, it just isn't my preference.) Separated suggests a few things, all of which are red flags to me.

One, you may have just ended your marriage - which means you're not in a mental place to have the kind of relationship I want. I can respect that; it takes time to recover from a marriage. I'm just not looking to sign up to be anyone's rebound.

Even if you think you are ready - you're not. Trust me, I know, I've been where you are. You'll find someone to help you through, I just don't want to be her.

If you didn't just end your marriage, but you are still separated, then I have to wonder why. Is your ex fighting you on something? Will there be drama? Are you not quite over her? Are you in a bad money situation? Are you just plain lazy or afraid to make decisions?

I was not separated and dating long. In fact, I only went on a few dates while I was still separated - and none of them were while my ex was sleeping on the sofa. As soon as I realized I truly wanted to date, I made arrangments to finalize the divorce. I had no drama, no custody issues, and I was not married to a jerk. I realize I was quite lucky - but even if you are not, where there's a will, there's a way.

If you really want to graduate from separated to divorced, you'll make it happen. If you don't - then you're probably not the guy for me.

Unsolicited advice

Though I fumble and bumble my way through dating and relationships and romance, I have developed a no-nonsense approach to that part of my life. Enough that some people seem to think I'm a good resource for dating and relationship advice.

Go figure.

Occasionally, though, someone will bring a problem to me without requesting advice. It's usually a friend who just needs to vent. Other times, I'll pick up on a problem without even having a discussion. It's pretty easy to see when someone you know well is going through a rough time - especially when it's something you've been through yourself.

But someone (actually, that someone was Big) once told me, "Unsolicited advice is criticism." He was right. If you offer someone advice when they don't want it - or worse, haven't yet realized there's a problem - it sounds critical. 

I don't want to come across as critical, or judgmental of my friends. I do want to offer them the wisdom of my experience, and maybe save them some heartache.

I also walk a fine line between protecting someone's privacy, and feelings - and using situations to share my experiences here. After all, even if my friends don't want my advice, someone else might be looking for insight on a similar situation. Then again, I don't want to reduce my friends' suffering to something as trivial as blog fodder. 

So, from time to time, my posts may feel a little vague. Or, I may dig into the archives for something random from my past. It's just my way of offering up a little wisdom, without throwing someone under the bus. 

Please, don't judge me.

Misconception about divorce

There is a misconception about divorce that has always irked me a lil' bit.

Divorce is hard. It tries your patience, breaks your heart, raises your blood-pressure, and tests your friendships. It's a heart-wrenching decision that doesn't come easy, no matter your situation.

Having children doesn't make divorce more difficult. Different, yes - but not more difficult.

I got divorced with no children - and I struggled with the choice. Personally, I think how you handle divorce has a lot to do with who you are - not your circumstances. Whether you have kids or not, it still sucks to feel like a failure. It hurts to know you let someone down, or wonder if you should have tried harder. It's still really tough on your self-esteem.

When I told people I was separating, the reaction I got more than any other was, "At least there are no children involved." As if that was supposed to make me feel better. I never planned to have children. My marriage was my life - and it was over.

How could anything make that easier?

Kids are absolutely affected by a divorce - just like they're affected by any change in the family dynamic. Often, the marriage (or at least some sort of relationship) existed before the child. If the couple stays together, then the marriage outlasts the childhood.

The parent-child relationship is totally separate from the marital relationship.

Yes, having kids adds an element to a divorce. So does owning property together, or a business. So does a prenuptial agreement.

If two people aren't handling a divorce well, something as simple as owning a china pattern can complicate matters.

Of course, kids are affected by the divorce - but good parents will keep that to a minimum. If two people are willing to put their kids in the middle of a divorce, then guess what? That kid wasn't having a great childhood anyway, married parents or not.

Every divorce is different. I know people who have separated after 9 months of marriage - and others after 30 years. Kids or no kids - nothing makes divorce easier.