Good problem

Simone had a great post earlier this week about fear. She points out that some people are afraid of silence. I couldn't agree more - in fact, I just had that conversation with another friend of mine.

Simone isn't afraid of the silence; she's afraid of losing the silence. My friend and I agreed we both feel the same way. I think that happens when you're single long enough. When you're first alone, the silence can be scary. Some keep giving in, and do anything to fill it up with distractions and noise. Others embrace that time, using it to learn more about themselves.

Things are going well with Trooper. It's way too soon to be worried about giving up personal space or time, but if things continue the way they've been going - it's only a matter of time before it has to be considered.

The truth is, I want a relationship, and all the commitment and (necessary and reasonable) complications that brings. At one time, I think I was built to be in a relationship; but I'm not as sure of that now. Now I wonder if I've become so settled in my single ways, so comfortable in the silence, that I won't be able to open up and let someone else fill that space.

I think what I'd like is to find a relationship with the right balance between silence and distraction. A relationship that helps me keep up my self-improvement journey, but add some company along the way. I'm not sure if I'm completely ready for that - but I will enjoy finding out.

It's not a bad problem to have.

Part of the game

I talk a lot about meeting guys, and the dates I do (and don't) go on. What works - and what doesn't. What keeps me (or them) coming back for more. What's funny is, I rarely talk about the the thing that happens most often.

When I get rejected.

I couldn't even count the number of guys I've "met" online (with whom I've exchanged emails or chats). The number of guys I've met in person is much smaller; and the number with whom I've had more than one date is very easy to count.

Without actually counting, I'd guess that for every guy who writes me back, I've probably sent ten emails - maybe more. Most go unanswered; now and then, I'll get a "thanks, but no thanks" response from that guy who thinks it's "polite." Very few guys will approach me first - most that do would not be a good match for me.

I usually chalk it up to the guys don't think I'm pretty, or because I'm a "curvy girl." The truth is - that could be the reason, but there's no way to know for sure. That kind of rejection can be a huge hit to one's ego - which is why I say your self-esteem should be in tact before you even attempt meeting anyone.

Friends have asked me over and over, how I do this without getting discouraged. When I first started, it really bothered me. A lot. The truth is, it still does sometimes. If I have a bad day, and nothing is going right, the last thing I need is for one more rejection. I cry; I get upset; and I announce that I've giving up.

Then I remember a lesson I learned not that long ago. We don't meet people by accident; everyone in our life is here for a reason. If someone isn't finding his way into my life, that must mean he has nothing to add. My job isn't to understand or to control or to fix; my job is to trust, to hold my head high, and move on.

Dating is supposed to be fun. Rejection is just part of the game.

Something old and new

The tarot cards said I'd find love with someone I already knew. When I wrote that last week, someone on twitter questioned me. He said, if "the one" was someone I already knew, wouldn't I have figured it out?

With me, one can never tell.

But like I said - the cards are never literal. I asked the cards when I'd find love - but love comes in many different forms. The universe sends us the love we need, when we need it.

Before I ever met Big, I knew a guy who was my "first" after my marriage. That's a pretty big deal. When you're with one person long enough, the first person after that relationship almost feels like a first. You don't know what to do, you get wrapped up way too quickly, and a lot of times, you don't handle the heartbreak very well. That was me.

This guy was always in my life - we had mutual friends, and were connected by facebook and the like, but we didn't talk as often anymore. Just wasn't in the cards, I guess. But he was someone I knew, when my cards were read. Now he's back in my life, in a new way.

So what does that mean? I'm not sure. But I do know that when the cards saw a guy who was stable and grounded and knew what he wanted - and that he was someone I already knew - they were totally right.

Maybe sometimes you have to take a step back, before you can take a step forward. The trick is to be careful you don't trip and fall.

Master of disguise

A while back, I told the story about how I went to see a psychic after Big broke up with me. But I don't think I ever told how I also had my tarot cards read.

I actually had three readings (don't judge; my heart was broken). I went to an acquaintance who charges for readings, and then had two separate friends read for me, too. 

I don't know much anything about tarot cards. All three of my readers (? psychics? mediums?) gave me a basic explanation, most of which I've since forgotten. I do know that the cards aren't literal; they're all symbolic, and each card's meaning can change depending on the other cards that appear. 

You start by clearing your mind, and focusing on a question you want the deck to answer, while shuffling the cards. All three times I was told to shuffle as long as I wanted, until I was sure that I'd really thought about the question enough. Then you cut the deck for the reader, who begins revealing cards on the table. 

Now, remember - I was all I'm-heart-broken-I'll-love-Big-forever at this time, so that's where I put all my focus. All I cared about was finding love. 

All three of the readings showed that Big was not, in fact, the guy for me. But all three said that he served an important purpose in my life, and that I was about to hit a turning point, because of him. 

All three also said that I would find love, with someone who was grounded and stable and knows exactly what he wants. All said I'd have to be patient, but that it would happen. Not only that, all three said that man is someone who I already know.  

The first part of the readings, about Big's role in my life, turned out to be 100% right, which makes me wonder - is it possible the other part is true, too? Could a mature, stable, grounded, self-aware guy actually exist? If he does - could he really be someone I've already met? 

 If he does exist - he's apparently a master of disguise.

Is it just me?

After the "concert incident," for which Gardner apologized, we agreed to go on another date. Actually, my giving in had a lot to do with a friend's suggestion that try slowing things down and giving him a chance on a very casual basis. Good advice - if this were a story involving normal people.

So we agreed to a date this weekend. Thing was, I woke on Saturday feeling like absolute crap - sorry, there's just no other way to say it. Recovering from a cold, I really just needed to sleep. So I texted to ask if we could meet a little later, and suggested an alternative plan for our date.

Gardner came back with, "Why don't we do it another time? You need to take care of you."

Now, I didn't mind. In fact, I appreciated that he was being so understanding. I thanked him - and went back to sleep.

Later on, I was feeling better and decided I needed to get out of the house. On my way out, I sent him a message saying I was headed out for dinner, and asked if he'd like to meet me. Nothing. An hour went by - then two. By then I'd (obviously) eaten, and decided on a movie. So, when he texted me back four hours later, I didn't have much to say.

He offered the explanation that he'd left his phone home. Seemed odd to me, though I suppose not everyone would turn around and go home to retrieve their phone (not like I'd ever do that...). But I'll admit - I was a little annoyed.

See, it seemed to me that he probably had other plans come up, and that was why he was so quick to cancel our date. Other plans could be another date, hanging out with his friends, or just working out. It didn't matter. What mattered was the fact that he'd canceled, saying he thought I should "take care of me," when really, he was just looking for an out.

So I called him on it. His response was, "What was I supposed to do? You bagged on me!"

Wait. What? No. You did not just turn this back around on me.

So I reminded him that I hadn't been the one to "bag." I had simply asked him to move the date to later because I wasn't feeling well. He had been the one to cancel altogether - and seemed to have replaced me on his calendar pretty quickly.

I'll spare you the details, but the conversation deteriorated from there.

I know it makes no sense, but I felt like he was trying to turn the whole thing back on me - like he was trying to manipulate the conversation, so that I would take the blame.

I know that game. I'm an only child of divorce - I wrote that game. Guilt and blame are powerful weapons, when used right. Thing is - I'm also a divorcee - which means I've mastered the "It's not my fault, it's yours!" conversation from both ends.

He was totally out of his league.

But seriously - is it just me? Was he guilty, and looking to lay blame elsewhere? Did he want me to feel guilty? Or was I just looking for a fight; for a reason to get angry? What do you think?

Nice or creepy?

So, I told Gardner that I didn't think we should see each other anymore. That I wasn't sure enough of the two of us to keep things going, and that I needed some space, and time, to sort things out. I basically told him I wanted a break.

It lasted all of two days.

Prior to that conversation, I'd purchased tickets for a local benefit concert, and the plan was we would attend together. Two days after our conversation, he texted me about an hour before the show to ask if I'd found anyone to take the other ticket.

I told him I hadn't, so I was going solo, and I couldn't really talk since I was on my way. The weather was bad for driving, and there was a ton of traffic. About forty minutes before the start time, I get a message from him that he's leaving his house. I responded, "Please don't. You won't make it in time, and I don't want to wait for you; I want to get seated before it starts."

His response was that he'd been reyally wanting to see the show, so he'd just go and buy a ticket and sit on his own. Right. Thing is, I couldn't exactly tell him he wasn't allowed to attend the concert. It's a public place, and he has ever right to purchase a ticket and sit in his seat.

But I didn't expect him to come find me.

I didn't make a scene at the theater; I moved over, let him sit with me, and enjoyed the music. On the way out, I let him walk me to my car, and headed home - alone. But the next day, I told him that while I realized he was trying to be nice - what he did wasn't cool, wasn't acceptable, and absolutely could not happen again.

I told him besides being uncomfortable - I felt like he imposed. I had my evening all planned out, to be on my own, and enjoy the concert solo. Then out of nowhere - Bam! - I was on a date.

The thing is - I'm not sure if I would have felt that way if I really liked this guy? If I did, wouldn't I feel like, wow - that was really sweet? Or am I so used to being on my own that now, I'm annoyed if anyone gets in the way of "me time?"

What do you think? Was he being nice? Or was that just creepy? 

Happy Anniversary!

No - it's not my blog's anniversary.

Quote: The Single Woman
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This weekend marks the one year anniversary of my breakup with Big. One year ago, he told me that he didn't want our relationship to move any further. One year ago, my heart was so broken, I honestly didn't think I would ever be the same.

Wanna know a secret? I was right - I'm not the same, and I expect I never will be. But not in the way I thought.

Lots of lousy first dates, a crush, a couple of near-relationships, a love cleanse and - most importantly - a year of reinventing myself and my friendships has taught me who I really am. I've grown, changed and learned an awful lot about life. I'm truly happy, with myself and my life. I know how to recognize a good, happy relationship - something I learned from being in a fabulous relationship with myself.

When I remember how I felt that night in my car - and realize how happy I am one year later - one word comes to mind: Hope.

Quote: Unknown
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The thing about hope is that it is so much easier to lose than it is to build. With anything new, we take so long to trust - to allow ourselves to feel hopeful and happy. But crushing hope? That can happen in an instant. With the *snap* of a finger - we can go from happy to completely broken. What's even worse, each time we lose hope, it takes longer and longer before we'll allow ourselves to feel it again.

That's the thing about life - you never know what's coming next. The best moments are often born from the worst. It is so hard to believe it when you're in that moment. But I think that's the greatest gift of any heartbreak; once you've survived, you know you can. The next time (and there will be a next time, in one way or another) you'll be ready to jump back into hope that much quicker.

It doesn't matter if your heart was broken by love, by friendship, by the loss of a loved one or the loss of your perfect job - the most important thing you can learn is to never, ever give up hope.

Responsible dating

We all know how to protect ourselves (and others) when dating. We know how to prevent diseases, unwanted pregnancy, and cyber-stalking. Ladies, we even know how to keep ourselves out of dangerous situations until we get to know someone.

But what about our feelings - and the feelings of others? Do we protect those? Can we? Dating is all about putting yourself out there, risking that you'll get hurt. Heartbreak and disappointment are always a possibility - and if there's no risk, there's no potential for something good, either. 

I told Gardner that I think my experience with Big has made me a more responsible dater. I'm sensitive (maybe too sensitive) to others feelings, and hyper-aware if I'm doing something that might hurt someone else. 

I'm talking a little bit about that over on Singles Warehouse. Read today's post over here.

I'm too picky

I know it's true; I want too much. I've spent enough time on my own to have developed impossible standards for what I require before giving up my single status.

Sorry, cupid.

When I told my Gardner story to one friend, her advice was to talk to him; tell him exactly what I wanted him to do, exactly what I needed and expected - and then let him decide if it's something he can handle. It's logical - as she pointed out, he can't read my mind.

Call me difficult, call me complicated, call me high maintenance - call me a bitch. Say I'm making excuses. Say or think whatever you like - the truth is, I don't want to have to tell someone what I want and then wait to see if it's something he can "handle." I want us to just naturally click.

I know - it's probably unfair, and maybe unreasonable, and a little too much. So was the Barbie Dreamhouse - but that didn't stop me from asking Santa.

I've done the whole "here's what I want" thing with a guy before. Know what? He went along with it. For about fourteen years. Then, one day, seemingly out of nowhere - he stopped. Suddenly, he wasn't willing to "handle" me anymore - and he left. So I know that no matter how much compromising you both do, it can still fall apart.

I know that relationships are about compromise. Of course I realize that I'll have to give some. I won't always get my own way, and it won't always be about me. But shouldn't the other person give a little, too? Shouldn't he want to give a little, to make room for "us" in his life?

If I find a guy with whom I just fit; a guy who says and does all the right things, and for whom I say and do the same - then there won't be any of this wondering, compromising or "training." Neither of us will have to "handle" the other - because it just works.

That's what I want. Maybe I'm too picky - but that's never stopped me before.

Mixed signals - Part II

Continued from here....

I asked for a "break" (which always makes me think of Ross and Rachel). I just wanted to sort through the confusion, and see how I felt. Was I just hanging onto this because there were some things I really liked? Was I just happy to have found a relationship, someone with whom I could share some time and a few smiles?

Honestly - was I more interested in the boost he offered my ego than I was him?

I'm not sure. Those things are all true - and they're all good things. Gardner makes me feel special; he makes me feel beautiful. As a wise friend said to me, "Every woman needs a man to make her feel like a goddess now and then, right?" Abso-freaking-lutely.

I do really like him, too. He makes me smile, and he's fun. He's goofy, and I laugh when I'm with him. He doesn't just do the normal dinner-and-movie date -  he's unique, and has a lot to offer. I'm attracted to him, and the chemistry was pretty good.

But I wasn't sure. Doubts are normal when something is new, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought that if this was truly right, I'd have fewer doubts. I'd be more positive, and less negative.

I just think right would have felt different.

So I told him - everything. How I felt, and why. Of course, he told me some things that explained away some of my doubts - and honestly, I'm not 100% sure I made the right decision. I expect he'll stay in my life - and I wouldn't be surprised if we gave this another shot, but as of right now, we are no longer dating.

In the end, the only thing I'm really sure of is that I wasn't sure enough to let it go any further.

Mixed signals

I really hate mixed signals. I prefer if everything can just be out in the open. I'd rather hear the most awful, hurtful truth than have to weed through lies.

Most people don't believe that. They believe that I say I want the truth, but what I really want is for the truth to be what I want to hear. 

Isn't that always the case, though? I mean, we all want what we want, and most of us have a pretty clear picture of how, when, where we want it to happen. Some people seriously can't handle the truth - and some have had to deal with enough hard truth to know it's better than any lie. 

I felt like I was getting mixed signals from Gardner. First he had no expectations and it felt like he was rejecting me. Two weeks later, he's dropping the L Word. In between, he's hanging with friends and making it clear that I'll never be number one in his life, but saying he really likes me - all while embracing bachelorhood. All kinds of mixed signals and doubts.

The doubts are what got to me the most. I started to feel like I already knew that this couldn't go any further than where it was right now. Then I thought, if that's how I felt, I should end it now, rather than risk leading him on.

The advice I got was that it was too soon to know for sure, and that I should talk to him. That it can just be a fun, casual thing, especially when it's so new. That it's okay to not know this soon in; usually, no one would.

I agree - this soon into a relationship, it's totally acceptable to not know, and to have fun while you see where it might go. But I know. I know it isn't going any further than where it is right now - but he doesn't feel that way. I could stick around, and hope that my feelings caught up to his - but what if they didn't? I was gambling with feelings; with my own, fine - but not with someone else's.

Sounded all too familiar to me. Now the question was - what should I do?

To be continued....

The L word

The "L word" got dropped. But let me start at the beginning....

After this exchange, Gardner and I had a conversation. Try to imagine a conversation between a man and a woman about what they wanted and expected from a relationship; a conversation where they were both honest and upfront; one where the guy asked the woman how she was feeling, and said he was happy they were talking.

And you thought this wasn't a science fiction blog...

Anywho - the conversation went really well, and it seemed like we were both on the same page. So, we kept seeing each other, and over the course of several more dates, started to get really comfortable with one another.

Then it happened. Late one night, he said he hoped it would be OK if he said he loved me.

No. Nope. It's not OK. It just isn't at all.

Why? Because love puts so much pressure on what I thought would just be a nice, casual, fun relationship. It rushes things, instead of letting them develop naturally. It places expectations where they don't belong.

I was telling a friend of mine what Gardner said, and he told me that he hates being the first to say the word. So much so that now, he says, "I think I'm falling for you."

I like that. "I love you" sounds like minivans and balancing the checkbook and arguing over where to eat Thanksgiving dinner. "I'm falling for you" sounds like a walk in the park, romantic meals and flowers for no reason.

In case you're wondering, I didn't respond to Gardner. I let it slide, hoping that maybe he was just caught up in the moment, and he'd forget about it.

How sophisticated and mature of me, no?

Single piece of advice

You can find dating advice just about anywhere. Google it - you'll find thousands of results. There are dating blogs (*ahem*), dating sites, and books that offer free advice. You can also seek counseling, pay for a dating service - or turn to a counselor. 

More often, when we need dating advice, we turn to the same place we turn for other advice - our friends, and family. We ask those closest to us for help with such a personal, intimate question.

But just because someone knows you well, doesn't mean he can always give you good advice. No matter how well you know a person - if you've never been in the situation, you may not be the best qualified to give advice on how to handle. 

That's what I'm talking about at Singles Warehouse today. Check the post out here.

What about you? Where do you turn when you need dating advice?

The truth is....

I learned a lot from Big. Probably the most important lesson was - how not to treat people.

I don't mean to sound like Big's not a great guy - he is. We still talk sometimes, and get along fine. He's a good guy, and was good to me in a lot of ways. But after the way we broke up, I knew I'd never want to lead anyone on - even by mistake - and risk hurting someone else the way I was hurt.

When I first met Gardner, I had some doubts. But, I liked him; he was sweet and a wonderful date, so I decided to give it another chance. We had a fabulous second date, so, things kept going.

But I still have these doubts in the back of my mind. He seems to be stuck in the early-thirties bachelor stage. While I don't expect things to be serious now, I do want something that can grow. I get the feeling that what I'm getting from Gardner now is the most I'll ever be able to expect from him. It's enough now - but it wouldn't be enough long-term.

He's also at a stage in life where he moves from job to job - like a kid in college, looking for something fun, that doesn't interfere with his party schedule. That's not me, and it's not something I want in my life. There's no security or stability. I know it works for some, and that's great - but it's not me.

One of the biggest worries I had when we first got to chatting was that Gardner's life is so full of his friends that he wouldn't make room for me. The longer we know each other - the more true that seems. He has time for me during the week, when his friends are all with their wives/girlfriends. But he puts me on notice that he is not available on the weekends, when his friends need something or have time for him. Fine, if we're casual - but I don't see it changing, and I wouldn't be okay with that long term.

The thing is, I neither want, nor expect, anyone to change for me. That never works. So, if this is the relationship he's looking for - I think we'd both be better off if he got the chance to find that relationship with someone of a like mind. That someone isn't me.

The truth is, I want more.

The truth is....if he was really the right guy, I wouldn't be having all these doubts.

When do I tell?

I didn't communicate well with Big. I won't even bother blaming that on him, either. The truth is - I just wasn't good at verbalizing what I was thinking and feeling where he was concerned. I was always worried I would make him angry, or give him an excuse to end things. 

I've obviously grown a bit since then, and with Gardner, I am enjoying what is (so far) a much more open, honest and upfront relationship. It's different, it's exciting, and it feels right. 

I don't have a lot of secrets. I don't have any baggage or drama from past relationships; no health concerns; no kids or criminal charges that I "forgot" to mention. No bankruptcies, no bench warrants, no divorces that aren't finalized. This time, I don't even have any other guys that I'm seeing that I need to keep secret.

Nothing. Zero. Zilch.

Except...

The blog? I don't announce to the world that I am the author over here. If I did, it would make my semi-anonymity a little silly. It hasn't been an issue, since I haven't dated anyone long enough, or seriously enough, to have to tell. 

Gardner is something a little more...serious. I don't necessarily feel like it's so serious that I owe him an explanation right now - but I feel like it could get to a point where I'd have to fess up. Thing is, if I don't do that now, at what point will it feel like a betrayal that I didn't tell him sooner?

I shoulda stuck with cats. 

Let's talk

I told you yesterday that I've already had a "talk" with a new guy. Too soon? Technically, it feels that way - though I'm so comfortable talking to him, it sorta didn't feel that way. Confused? Yeah, me too.

Anyway, it got me thinking - is there a timeframe for talking about the relationship? Open, honest, productive communication is uncharted territory for me, so I really have no idea. So, we're talking about it today over at Singles Warehouse.

Check it out here.

When you least expect it

Remember Gardner? Well, after our second date, things started to fall into place. We even had a little "talk" (more on that later), and pretty put everything out there. What we want, expect, what we're looking for, etc.

He even - brace yourself- asked me how I felt and said he was glad we were talking. I know. I nearly fell out of my chair.

The thing is - I wasn't looking for this. I had honestly made peace with - even found myself enjoying - my singleness. I had no intentions of meeting someone I would find myself liking; someone who I can talk to and who makes me smile. Someone who makes me feel special and amazing - and who annoys me just enough.

I wasn't looking for him. He showed up when I least expected him.

Crap.

The scariest word

A while back, when I was doing a love cleanse, a friend warned me to be careful, and not to become too independent, and shut people out. At the time, I thought that would never happen. I thought I was too much in love with the idea of being in love to ever shut anyone out.

Turns out - not so much.

It didn't take long. I did the love cleanse (no dating, flirting, sex, etc.) for a thirty days. Then I continued it for another thirty - unofficially. I started dating a little while later, but nothing serious, so my independence was never challenged.

Until the other day.

I went on a second date - my first in a while - with a guy I really like. We took a lake cruise in a resort town about an hour away from my home. I drove, and on the way back, he was responding to a few text messages he'd gotten while we were on the boat. One was from a friend inviting him to a cookout. He turned to me and said,

We were invited to my friend's house, but I declined.

We. We?!

It's been over a year since anyone referred to me as part of a we. I thought I longed to hear it again. I thought my heart would skip a beat, and I wouldn't be able to stop smiling. But the truth is, when he said we - I didn't feel any of that.

What I felt was more like - terror.

Not because I don't like him - I do. I think the terror is because I've grown attached to being alone. I like not having to think of anyone else when I make plans. I like knowing that I can handle any situation, or go do anything I want, without needing someone else. I'm not afraid to ask for help - but I don't need a guy. I can turn to friends and family when I need something.

I used to be so afraid to let anything interfere with my relationship with a guy, that I'd spend any time with him that I could. Now, it seems, I'm pushing guys away because I'm afraid they'll interfere with my relationship with me.

I'm not sure which is scarier.

It's not you, it's me

So, I emailed this guy. He came up in my quiver matches, so I figured I'd take a chance.

A few hours later, I get a response:

Thanks for writing, but I don't really think you're my type.

I've said before, I'm not really a fan of the "polite response." I know some people think it's the right thing to do when someone takes the time to write you on a dating site. But I view that initial email as the equivalent of a slight nod, or smile or wink at a bar. If I'm not interested after that, I just look away, right? I don't have to walk up to you and explain why I don't think we're a good match. So why do that here?

I also don't view it as polite. Actually - it's sort of rude, if you think about it. I've signed off the site, so if you respond, I will get an email telling me I have a message. So, I get the notification, then I take the time to sign back in and read your response. So you make me chase down your rejection? Not cool.

Still, some like the polite response, so I accept it as one of the realities of dating sites. But that response? Wasn't polite. It was mean. This guy not only forced me to work so he could ease his own conscience - he was mean while he did it.

"You're not my type" loosely translated means, "There's something wrong with you." That is not how you politely reject someone.

I know it's cliche, but the truth is, "It's not you, it's me," really is the nicest way to reject someone. I know many say that it's condescending, since everyone knows it's not really what the person means. And in a case where you're ending a relationship - yeah, that's not fair. Be honest. Do the tough thing, and say what's really going on.

But in a polite response? Be polite, for crying out loud! Take the blame yourself; you aren't helping that other person at all by laying the blame with her.

When I bump into someone in the store, I say I'm sorry - it's my fault, even if maybe it wasn't. When I know a customer didn't send an email, but they're sure they did - I say, it didn't come through, can you re send it? I take the blame, I don't place it.

That's polite.

So if you're going to reject me - and you insist on doing so in an email - the least you could do is take the blame. "I'm not interested," or "I don't think we're a good match," both work. They are honest and direct, but still take the blame, rather than place it.

And honestly, I think at some point when you're dating, you have to at least consider the possibility that you just might be the problem.

Taking my ex on a date

They (and by "they," I mean dating blogs, experts and other advice-givers) say that talking about an ex on a first date is a no-no. I do my best to listen to those who are more experienced, and generally better at dating, than I. But - I have to say....

...I can't seem to avoid the "ex" conversation.

I'm not sure why. I don't set out to have the conversation. I take (what I think are) the proper precautions. If I'm talking about something I did while with an ex, I change the "we" to an "I" and share my experience. I try to stick to general, getting-to-know-you topics - funny childhood stories, family, favorite foods, work, that sort of thing.

In fact - if the ex comes up, a lot of times, it's my date that brings it up. Especially if we meet online. He'll ask, "So how long have you been on the site?" or "How did you get started on the site?" at which point I might mention when I got divorced - and there we go.

Before you know it, I often find myself getting (or giving) dating advice. To a potential date.

Which would be great - if I were applying for a job, or just looking to be friends. And sometimes, I think that's how I've managed to keep some of the friends that I have.

But it's not useful when I might like another date.

It's like I'm taking my ex on the date - in which case, I think he should be stuck with the bill.