Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Dating karma

There are certain lessons I don't think I'll ever learn. Period. Some are lessons I'm not even sure I want to learn.

First, I met TG, who I really, really like. Then, I ended up meeting a couple more guys, with whom I felt no connection. One of them must have felt the same - and he just faded away, which was fine. The other liked me - if you know me or follow this blog regularly, you know that really almost never happens.

I was forced into a situation that I don't like, and have only been in a couple times before - I had to tell someone his feelings for me were not mutual. I don't like doing that - because I don't like having it done to me.

But as much as I dislike that talk - I hate the "fade away" even more. You know, where you just ignore the person and hope they go away? If it's mutual, and we never call each other again (like Pepe) that's fine. But if one person is still contacting the other, who knows that the feelings aren't there, I think that person should fess up.

I think it's because I like closure. I also like knowing that I did what I could, and was honest. So, I expect the same from others. I can't very well expect others to treat me with respect I'm not willing to show them, so I had to fess up to Sean. Someone who I really respect commented she thought I did the right thing. Treat others the way you want to be treated - cliché or not, it's right.

Now, I'm starting to notice TG pulling away a bit. He invited me out last week, last minute. Again, we had a nice time, and again, he said he wanted to keep seeing me. I emailed him with a link to a show I was thinking about catching - and there was no response. Then I texted a few days later to invite him out - and I got, "Sorry, I can't tonight."

Then nothing. For several days. Finally, I sent a friendly, hi-how-are-you? type message and suggested he let me know if he wanted to go out again. I got a ...wishy-washy response. "I'll let you know. My schedule is crazy. Hopefully we can do something this weekend."

Is he blowing me off? Or am I reading too much into this?

There's a part of me who wishes I could just walk away from someone - who could just let it go, and not have to find out. But I suppose, if I could do that, I'd be the person who could just ignore the nice guy.

I don't want that to be my karma.

Monday, May 30, 2011

What are you celebrating today?

Memorial Day is different things to different people. If you have loved ones in the Armed Forces, it's a day to celebrate gratitude (please extend my thanks, as well). Some place flowers or a flag at the graves of loved ones who have passed.

Just about everyone has a day off to celebrate, and of course, there's always picnic food (which I personally believe has no calories if consumed on Memorial Day).

If you're single - it can mean one more day of the week to get your date on.

It's also the "official" start to the summer season, which means a whole new brand of date possibilities. Festivals, fairs, bike rides, hiking, picnics in the park, outdoor music, drive-in movies....the list goes on. Finally, something more than just dinner and a movie!

My favorites are festivals, especially those with some free music. I like to show up with a couple of camping chairs, some food and drinks, and just sit back and enjoy. Last year, Big and I brought our dinner to an outdoor concert, only to realize we didn't have a picnic blanket (tickets were last minute). Never fear! I had camping chairs in the backseat - and my SUV has a hidden folding table in the cargo area. Instant picnic!

Here are some fun ideas from How about we... dating blog. What are your favorite summer-time dates?

Thursday, May 26, 2011

When do you cut them loose?

"Until he says I love you,
you're a free agent!"
So, I (accidentally) started seeing more than one guy a couple weeks back. It all happened at the beginning stages of the relationships, and no commitments had been made or anything - so, no big deal. But it did get me thinking - what if I met a couple of guys at the same time, and really liked them both (or all three)? And the feeling was mutual?

At some point, I would have to commit to just one. Unless, of course, I'm Samantha from Sex and the City - which I'm not. Since that's not really what I'm looking for out of a relationship, I would have to figure out who I wanted to cut loose - and when?

What do you think?

At what point in a new relationship should you stop seeing other people?
After the third date
After you've had the "talk"
When he says I love you
At the wedding
Let me tell you.... (leave me a comment below)

pollcode.com free polls

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Best of the Worst: Let's have sum fun

I haven't been trolling sites a lot, lately. Mostly because I kinda, sorta, like TG - and for some other reasons, as  well. But, this weekend I was bored. I spent Saturday night watching a friend unravel on twitter - because no one could wrestle his phone away. So in between bursts of that awesome, I poked around on a dating site for new guys near me. This gem popped right up.
I am a great outgoing funny guy who enjoys all of what this life has to offer i love most sports especially base ball im a affid YANKEES fan I like all types of music i will definatley put a smile on youre face love to be romantic and cuddle at home but also enjoy going out for sum fun if its with the rite one enjoy cooking for the ones i love i am a great cook
I looked it up. "Affid" isn't even a word - at least not in English. Base and ball are both words - but the Yankees play baseball. This guy definitely needs help with spelling - and is, apparently, unaware that the . key is on the bottom row of his keyboard.

It might interest you to know that he lists his education at the high school level; and his occupation as law enforcement. Presumably, that means some authoritative body somewhere has seen fit to issue this person a fire arm.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Quiet Man: Part II

You might want to read this first.

So, he had a good time. Which says to me that he was on a completely different date than I was. Nevertheless, I had to do something.

So, I texted my friend, who said I had two choices:
  • Ignore him and hope he goes away
  • Tell the truth
Ignoring is unacceptable to me, after there's been a date. I've spent time with someone, he's spent money on me - he deserves more than that. And as far as being honest - well, it sucks for me, but it's the least he deserved. I mean - he was a nice guy, he just wasn't my type of guy.

So, I responded and said I'd enjoyed dinner (not a total lie; my food was good) but that I just didn't think there was a connection. Good, right?

Wrong. He asked me to tell him why I felt that way.

I told him it was something that was hard to explain, but there was something I wasn't feeling - and I didn't want to lead him on. That seems to have put it to rest....but it left me with a question

Is that a bit much, for one date? I mean - when Big ended things, I really wanted to know why; I wanted to understand, and I felt I was owed as much. But that was after a year; not a week. We'd been on dozens of dates, not one. I was invested, and thought he was too, and I wanted to understand what changed.

But is there a difference, if you've just met? I've had guys just fade away after we chatted for a while, or not call again after one date. I don't really give it a second thought - I figure they weren't interested and I move on. They don't owe me anything, so why would I ask them? How would they even know what it is that's missing, or what they don't like?

Is there a point in a relationship where an explanation is required? Or is it a personality thing? Are there some people who just need the explanation, no matter how long it's been or what's gone on between you?

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Quiet Man: Part I

So, like I said - I got online and met a couple of guys. Last week, I told you about Pepe. Today, let me introduce you to Sean.

SN: That's not his real name; I named him after the John Wayne character in The Quiet Man - a movie I find dull, lifeless and which almost always puts me to sleep.

Sean seemed really nice - at first. Not too long after we started chatting, I realized we might be on different pages. Sean has no hobbies - none. Or, if he does, he doesn't talk about them. He reads and watches movies - and he felt we were a match made in heaven because, not only do I do those same things - we like the same movies and books.

Thing is - I can get along with anyone's book and/or movie interests. It doesn't really ignite a spark, if you know what I mean.

To make matters worse, Sean came on very strong. "Are you home yet?" became a routine offline message waiting for me when I signed in to check email. Did I mention we only chatted for a week?! The second night we chatted, I asked how long he'd been doing the online thing. He said a long time, then added, "But maybe we can both get off the site soon!" Really?!

Texting was worse. The day before our date, he texted me at 8:30 in the morning. (SN: Never do that.) Lucky for him, I was already awake. A few hours later, he says, "You're quiet today." Um, helllloooo....we're not together! And I'm shopping!

I already sort of knew this wouldn't work, but had promised to meet him for dinner, so I did. It did not go well. So, I hoped after the date, he'd just fade away.

Or not. Apparently, we were on completely different dates, because about an hour after I got home, I got a text that read, "I had a good time."

Awesome. Now what?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Five things about me

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little bit insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times, hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~ Marilyn Monroe

I was poking around on facebook (Oh, you didn't know I was there? I am - show me some facebook love like, won't you?!) and came across this article from the How about we....? blog.

We all have issues. Every one of us. But it's a rare few who actually know what our issues are - most of us are far more interested in the issues that other people bring to the table.

Those of us lucky enough to have been dumped like yesterday's trash learned from past relationships are usually more aware of our own flaws. Because, you know, they've been pointed out to us we've had a chance to really get to know ourselves.

So, in that spirit - here are five things anyone should know before he considers dating me.

When I get hungry, I get cranky monumentally bitchy. When I say I'm hungry, that doesn't mean we should eat hours from now. It means we're inside the hazard window, and if you want to eat with me, you'd better get with the program.

I don't share well. This does not mean I'm not generous - I am. I'd do anything for anyone, and help in any way I can. But do not try to steal my covers or my closet space.

I can be passive-aggressive. I don't always want to have a confrontation, but I am woefully bad at hiding when I'm upset. I'm working on it.

I have arthritis in my knees. It probably sounds weird - but it's important. Why? There will be things I want to do, but can't. I expect you to hold out your hand, to help me with steps. I expect you to look for an elevator or escalator, and I expect you not to get impatient when I walk slow. I won't always accept your help - but I'll always want your consideration.

I'm still friends with my ex. He's my best guy friend; and one of the best friends I have. Period. He still talks to my family, he helps me with problems. He's not going anywhere - but he is truly an ex.

And my bonus good thing, like the author of the original post added....

I'm over drama. I don't play games; what I say is what I mean; and I don't want to be in charge of your life. I just want to be your equal.

What would be on your list?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Pepe Le Who?

So one of the guys I met when I shouldn't have been online was a real character. We're going to call him Pepe - in honor of Pepe Le Pew. Partly because he's from Montreal, Canada - and has a French accent. Partly because he was wearing a crap-ton of cologne on our date.

Pepe's profile specifically said he's not into the never-ending email relationship. You know - where before you realize it, you've passed the point where you'll ever go out and have basically become pen-pals? So, rather than exchanging a lot of emails, we made plans to meet later in the week for coffee.

I was early, and when he joined me, he seemed very nice. Until he asked what I do, and I told him - which led to him explaining to me what his ex-wife does for a living (we work in the same field). Now don't get me wrong - I know exes exist and I don't mind hearing about them. But on a first date? Within ten minutes? I made a quick mental note that Pepe seemed to have some baggage.

"So what do you want to do?" he asked. Uhhhh....wasn't prepared for that. We ended up going for a drive - turns out, Pepe is new to the area (about a month) and hadn't seen a lot of our city. We agreed to take my car, though he offered to let me drive his, which I later learned was a Hummer. Drat!

Side Note: I kept my phone in my hand the whole time and drove in neighborhoods where I had friends. 

As we drove, I learned more about Pepe. He is a contractor for the government. After his divorce, he took a job working for a government in another state, and his 6 month contract turned into 5 years. For most of that time, his daughter lived with him; she has since returned to Montreal. His son still lives there. He moved here on another 6 month contract - after he didn't get a job in Montreal for which he applied.

Screeeeeech - brake for the red flags. Of course this guy wants to get back to Montreal - who in his situation wouldn't? Pepe didn't even rent his own apartment here, so obviously this next move is already on his mind, and I don't blame him. He'd make a great friend, or "friend," if that's what I was looking for - but I'm not. There doesn't seem to be much point in starting something I can't finish.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Stirring the pot

Continued from here...

So, I got a little nervous, a little uncertain about whether TG liked me, so what did I do? I started contacting other guys online. Sure, TG - don't email me back. I'll show you. Get online, huh? Two can play at that game.

Next time, I'll take to twitter. Or email. Or texting. Or smoke signals to my girlfriends. Anything to keep me from this nonsense.

Now, let me point out - any other time, I wouldn't even be able to find anyone to email, much less get responses. This time? Two new guys. Both seem very nice. Both wanting to go out on dates. By the time TG emailed me back? I'd already set up a coffee date with one guy, and a tentative movie/dinner date with the other for the following week.

More on that later....

It's frustrating. I grow up, I learn about myself, and I change. I become more sure of myself - and it's still so easy for someone, even without knowing, to challenge my self-confidence. Before I know it, I'm doing something totally silly, self-defeating and pointless - just to prove a point to myself.

I suppose the challenge is always going to be to recognize when I'm about to do something like that - and to teach myself to stop. I guess if I can do that, I'm still learning - which means it's not a total waste.

What about you? What challenges your self-confidence? What makes you do things, even when you know you shouldn't?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Shame on GGS

So, I mentioned that before TG asked me on the second date I was really unsure how interested he was. He ended the date with a lackluster statement ("I'll keep in touch") and I honestly didn't know what to do with that. Then we were emailing, and he didn't respond to me, but I knew he'd been online because the site where we met tracks that sort of thing....

In short, I made two major errors.

The first was the internet stalking vetting research. That sort of thing doesn't really teach me anything. Sure, the site said he signed in - but of course, I have no idea for what reason. Hell - I was signed in when I learned that. Maybe he saw that I'd been online. 

It shouldn't matter. We went on one date - I was talking to other people still, and there's no reason to assume that he was or wasn't, or that it tells anything about his interest in me. But I listened to that voice tell me that there was no way he would like me. I let all my self-doubt, and doubt from others, convince me that because I hadn't heard from him and because he was online - that meant he wasn't interested. 

Shame on you, GGS - you know better.

This is such bad dating behavior. Like fellow blogger Cali Bradshaw wrote here, you need patience, faith and courage to be a good dater - and I forgot all three. He'd told me he wanted to go out with me again - but I still lost faith because I didn't have an answer right now - no patience, either. As far as courage goes - it would have taken a lot of courage for me to just wait it out - but of course, I didn't. 

So what did I do? To be continued....

Monday, May 16, 2011

One hit wonders

First dates are tough. I always feel nervous, and like I'm having a tough time getting my bearings. I worry that I might like the guy more than he likes me, or that I'll be bored, or that our conversation will be awkward. I worry that I'll spill my food, or trip in my shoes, or call him by the wrong name.

All this worrying means that, often - I don't actually enjoy a first a date. Which is unfortunate, since first dates are all I ever seem to have.

Most of my dates are "one hit wonders." Either he's not interested (this is most often the case), or I'm not - or neither of us is interested in the other. So my dating life, for the most part, consists of a series of first dates, usually with guys I meet online.

Another unfortunate thing about first dates? For the most part - they're all alike. Usually dinner, or just coffee/drinks. Either way - it's me and my date sitting with a table between us, discussing the usual: Work; where we both grew up; family; movies and music we like; hobbies; and whatever else you talk about on a first date. I've had so many, I feel like I've rehearsed the conversation.

So, it's nice to make it past that stage. Tech Guy (the date I told you about last week) asked me out again this past weekend. It was only date number two, and I never count my chickens before they hatch.

Still, it's exciting that I liked TG and he liked me, and maybe - just maybe - this won't be a one hit wonder.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Spring cleaning

We clean everything this time of year, don't we? Closets, cupboards, garages, gardens....the list keeps going. We try to shed clutter and debt and extra weight.

If you're single, I guess now is also the perfect time to take stock of your dating habits, figure out what you should keep - and get rid of those that aren't working.

I found this list at the How About We....? dating blog. I have to say I agree - mostly.
I was just saying to a friend this past weekend that I don't like "the hunt." I am more comfortable in a relationship; I value the familiarity and comfort of knowing with whom I'm going to be. Like I said to her - I like dating, but I'm tired of going on first dates. I want to get past that stage - I just can't seem to get there.

That makes me In the past, that has made me prone to settling. After Big, and especially after 28-Year-Old, I decided that was not going to happen again. After Crush, I learned that I want butterflies, and won't settle for anything less. As a result, I have fairly high standards - or am, as some people say, too picky.

But I don't judge a book by its cover. For example, my date from last week is a student. I wasn't able to glean from our email conversations whether that was a full-time situation, or if he also worked. That made me nervous, and in the past it might have caused me to resist an actual date. But this time, I decided to give it a chance, and see how it turned out - and I'm glad I did.

I don't believe that the bar can ever be set "too high." I think the bar can be set inappropriately - that women (and men) can focus on the wrong things. But to say someone sets a bar too high, or is too picky, or whatever, suggests that she should settle. That she should relax, even on things that are important to her. I disagree. I think it's important that every woman realize that she should not be afraid to find that guy who is perfect for her.

"Some people are settling down, some people are just settling. I refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." Sex and the City

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Best of the Worst: Who likes liers?

It makes me a little sad that it's this easy to find a bad profile, simply by clicking on the list of men who've viewed my profile. Then again - meh - we all need a good laugh. This one comes to us courtesy of a man in upstate NY, whose profile photo looks like it was taken in 1972 - with a camera that was outdated at that time. 
i like to meet a real nice lady.i like to have fun go to fairs dinner's and the movies and dance or cook a nice dinner at home and watch a movie or listing to music.with a candlelite dinners.i'm sick of head games.so if u don't want any headgames give me a yell.i'm shy at first but i warm up quick.so if u have any ? get hold of me and thank you for looking at my profile.another thing i don't like liers or players.i seen a lot on here.if u think i'm like openbook you can ask me any ? i will tell u the truth.i don't like to drink.and don't do drugs at all.so if u can't tell me the truth you should look somewhere other then mine profile,and i been finding a lot of lier's on here to so i'm thinking closeing this profile out
As usual, this was copied and pasted exactly as it appeared online. He, apparently, doesn't like liers. I don't blame him, either. According to freedictionary.com, lier means one who lies down, one who rests or remains, as in concealment. 

That sounds creepy - and a bit lazy. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Quiet - STAT!

Turns out - I have a lot to learn about reading people.

Also turns out - my ex was right...again. I find that very annoying. I'd be even more annoyed if his being right didn't work in my favor.

So, because I was thinking that my date wasn't interested, I, of course, had to email him - just so I knew for sure that I was completely up front and honest. I sent a very brief email - thanks for the movie, I had a nice time, would like to do it again. Done.

He emailed me back a little while later and said he had a lot of fun, and would like to go out again - and was I free next weekend?

Most unexpected.

Now, of course, the real battle begins - with my own self-esteem and trust issues. Because every time he acts like he likes me, there will be a little voice in my head that says, "Yeah, but Big did stuff like that, too." Everytime I let myself believe it's going well or he's attracted, I'll remember, "Yeah, but 28-Year-Old said the same thing once." If it turns out that he's not interested, I'll think, "See - they were right."

Stop. It.

I need to remember that just because they behaved one way even though they felt another - that doesn't mean every guy will do the same. I need to get it through my head that just because they didn't think I was pretty doesn't mean another guy won't - and it damn sure doesn't mean they were right.

I think sometimes that's my biggest dating challenge - getting out of my own way. Because if it's not this guy, it was the last, or will be the next. I'm always letting myself believe that little voice that reminds me what other people think - and tells me that, not only are they right, but everyone must agree.

I need to quiet that voice. STAT.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Well read

Continued from here...

So, with all these great connections, and all the laughing and smiling - it really seemed like things were going well. If he didn't like me, he wouldn't have suggested dinner, right? I mean - he'd have known right away if he wasn't attracted to me.

And if he was feeling no connection at dinner, he wouldn't have kept the conversation going. I tend to talk a lot when I'm nervous, and I know I sometimes take over a conversation. I tried to keep that in check, so he'd have ample opportunity to end the evening if he wasn't feeling it. No need to waste his time (or mine).

But he never did. We sat there for two hours before he even suggested calling it a night, and that was just because I mentioned that they were cleaning the dining room of the restaurant. Two hours of non stop talking, laughing, finding little things we had in common. Two hours.

When we left the restaurant, I asked him if he'd like to get together again some time. His response?

"Sure. I'll definitely keep in touch with you."

I immediately took this to mean that he wasn't interested, and was just being polite. Which really made no sense to me, but I felt like if he was interested, he would have tried to "seal the deal." If he didn't want to make another date right then, at the very least I felt like he'd let me know when he'd be in touch to do so.

Was I expecting too much? Was I over-thinking the whole thing? One friend said I don't know the guy well enough to read him, and his advice was to stop trying. But isn't dating a series of interactions where we're trying to read each other - and learn?

So when do we know each other well enough to read the other person?

Monday, May 9, 2011

Good date or what?

I went on a date Friday night. I wasn't very enthusiastic; he'd chosen a movie, which is a tough first date. We'd been emailing, but I was a little skeptical how much we'd have in common once we were chatting face to face.

We met about 30 minutes before the movie started. It was a popular new release, so we had to wait on line, and then get seated early, which gave us some time to talk. Perfectly enjoyable conversation, not at all awkward. The movie was good, and when we left the theater, he asked if I'd like to stop in the nearby restaurant and get a drink. Then, he changed that to getting a table - so we did.

We talked for two hours. About work, vacations, families...everything. Turns out, we went to the same high school (he's younger and graduated three years behind me). Oddly enough - he was at the lock & key party I attended a couple months back.

We grew up in the same area, we had a bunch of stuff in common and loads to talk about. He kept the conversation going and was laughing and smiling and making eye contact. We're both working day jobs as a way to pay the bills - while we do what we really like to do on the side. We've both joined the meetup group as a way to meet more people, make friends, find dates, etc. We both like sci fi and fantasy and movies, and museums, and traveling and family is important to both of us.

Is it just me, or does this sound like the date was going really well?

Friday, May 6, 2011

Friday Five: Disney pick up lines

Ahhh.... Romance.
I subscribed to the blog over at How About We..., a dating site that centers around suggesting a first date - and then seeing who is interested in similar plans. It's kind of cool, though I'll admit there aren't too many members in my area. Yet.

Anyway, a few weeks back they had a post about a twitter trending topic - Disney pick up lines. Fun! Here are my favorite five. Click here to read the full post.

  • I wanna hakuna your matata.
  • What's around your river bend?
  • Your name is Chitty. My name is Chitty. Let's go finish the musical.
  • My name is Mickey and there's nothing Minnie about me.
  • My names Sebastien but I don't have crabs.

Got any to add?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Deja vu - all over again

After Crush, I did that thing where you just go looking to meet a guy - any guy. Since I'm about as far from being a bar rat as one can possibly be, I stuck with what I know: dating websites. I started trolling profiles and sending out "Hi, how are you?" type emails.

Suddenly, it occurred to me...I've been here before. This is where I was right before I met Big. In fact, sending out hundreds dozens bunches of emails was how I met Big. Now, a year and a half later, here I am, doing the same thing. Again.

But is it really the same? When I met Big, I was bummed. I'd just gotten rejected by my "transitional guy" following my divorce. I was filled with emotion, not just from that relationship - but also from my marriage. I was still in that place where I felt like I needed a boyfriend; I was still making excuses and not dealing with life.

That's all changed. This time, I am not only dealing with life - I'm living it. I'm making changes, making friends, and having fun. I have plans and goals and I'm happy - without a guy. Sure, I'd love to meet someone - but I'm looking for someone who fits my life, not someone to fit my life around.

So maybe I'm not just spinning my wheels. Maybe the trick is to embrace experiences for what they are, rather than trying to turn them into something else, and feeling disappointed when they don't measure up.

"Things do not change; we change." Henry David Thoreau

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The good ol' days

Remember when we only had two choices if we wanted to talk to a guy? We could call him from a phone attached to a wall in our house, or meet him out somewhere and talk in person?

Now, we can get his status updates on facebook, check his latest tweet or foursquare check-in, send him an email or facebook message, text him, IM him, or DM him....what'd I miss? 

In some ways it's great - instant gratification and instant results. Making last minute plans means no night is ever a lost cause until it's over. 

It's also bad - have you drunk-dialed or texted at 2am? Or how about sent an email with all those thoughts and feelings that he never would have seen if you'd had to actually mail a letter?

When I was trying to say what I had to say to Crush, I was actually disappointed to find him online. Weird, right? It should be the perfect opportunity to get it done and over with.

Here's my thing... Sending the message made it seem like I just had something to say, so I was saying it without a lot of pressure. It also meant that my feeling foolish could be put off until I got his response. Saying something in IM felt like I was cornering him, and also that my foolishness would manifest itself in real time. *shudders*

Of course, with relationships, talking in person is always best. Body language and facial expressions mean a lot, and instant reactions are helpful. Emails are too easy to ignore, think about, rehearse, etc., and it's really hard to have a meaningful exchange in short bursts of 140-160 characters.

But sometimes you don't need to wait for that chance to talk in person. If you're just going to have a, "thanks, but no thanks," kind of conversation, why waste time having that one-on-one? You can just say it in a message and get it done, and move on.

I guess it depends on the conversation, the people and the relationship. Seems all the ways that technology has simplified communication has really made things very complicated.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Best of the Worst: Ummm...married?

We haven't done one of these in a while. So, I wanted to share a real gem. This guy viewed me at one dating site, so I stumbled upon his profile. My only thought was: What the....?

Self Summary
Dear God, it keeps telling me this summary is too short. I'm married, to someone I met on this site. What the f**k more does this f**ing thing want? Jesus f**king Christ.
I am old, complex, and married.
What I'm doing with my life
Being married
The first thing people usually notice about me
Wedding ring
You should message me if...
You don't mind married guys who won't cheat, I guess? How the f**k should I know why you should message Me. You should message me if you know how to entirely delete the "I'm looking for" section of the profile, because it appears to MAKE you pick something.

I desperately want to email this person and ask him why he doesn't go to account settings and delete his profile. I can't find anything in his profile that indicates he's looking for friends, or even for a swinging partner for him and his wife, both of which I've seen on this site.

Should I message him?
Yes, and be angry about it. Who does he think he is?
Yes, and be funny about it - in a helpful way.
Yes, and be sarcastic about it because he's a jerk.
Get the hell off these dating websites and go out!!

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Monday, May 2, 2011

Broken rules

After 28 Year Old, I did promise myself that I would be more flexible on the whole issue of age. After all - he was a super-nice guy, and if I'd stuck to my "no younger guys" rule, I never would have known.

So, the other night I got a message from a guy online. It was actually a missed IM, and it said, "You look lovely." That was it, nothing more. That's an awfully nice thing to say, so I checked out his profile. He was good-looking, his profile was well-written. He's into art, movies, live music, antiquing; he lists writer/artist as his profession and says he likes to travel. Sold!! Except...

He's 18 years older than me.

That's a whole lotta years. He could be my father. In fact, he's older than my best friend's step-father - and she's the same age as me!

But, I promised myself I wouldn't let age be the deciding factor anymore. Besides, worst case scenario, this would be a great blog story and make you guys laugh, right? The stuff I'll do in the name of a good blog post.
So, when he opened up another chat, I responded. He started out very nice, saying he really liked my profile, and that he thought we had some things in common. Then he said he hoped I didn't mind, but he likes to be very open.

Now - I'm a pretty open person. There's not a lot I won't discuss, and there's not a lot that offends me. However, I've made it pretty clear in my profile that I am looking for a relationship, and any relationship needs to build over time. I am of the opinion that you build a friendship and a rapport first - and then, if it clicks, you start with the personal stuff.

Apparently, this guy feels differently. About ten minutes in, Mr. I'm Refined and Cultured and Sophisticated wanted to discuss what he likes to do in bed. More specifically - what he'd like me to do to him.

Seriously? This was happening?

Thankfully, I have a sense of humor. If I hadn't been able to laugh - I think I might have cried.

I'm okay with a lot of things, and I'm willing to overlook a lot, too. But I'm not okay with being disrespected, or with a man who tries to excuse his poor behavior by calling it "upfront" and "honest." I'm also not okay with someone who repeatedly returns to a topic of conversation, even after I've asked him to let it go.

There are some rules I just won't bend.