(Un)Setting expectations

To say Turtle has waivered in what he wants would be an understatement of epic proportions. We've gone from hanging out as friends to casual dating to ernest discussions about what we want back to casually dating to....whatever the hell it is we're doing at the moment.

We are still talking, but we haven't spent any time together in a while. My understanding is that he's not up for time with anyone, other than casual friends. We both agree there is something more than friendship between us - which is not something he can deal with right now. I already knew that, and told him it was fine, that we could put a pin in that discussion until he was ready.

I've been completely honest and upfront with Turtle. I was totally sincere when I said I'd like to go back to just hanging out and seeing where things went. I enjoy spending time with him, and while I would like a relationship someday with someone, and he has potential, I do not see us in a relationship now. I am kind of over the serious relationship discussions, and ready to get back to having fun, getting to know each other, and seeing where things end up.

Turtle does not seem convinced that I really feel that way, or that we can really make that transition. He seems worried that I say it's fine, and then when we're together, he'll feel pressure to say or do certain things. (Personally, I think a lot of that pressure is in his own head; he admitted that's probably at least partly true.)

That said - I have been thinking a lot about how I've behaved since we first discussed "where we were going."

When things first started getting a little weird with Turtle, I was talking to Engineer about what I could, and could not, handle in terms of a relationship. Engineer suggested that Turtle seemed like he needed a lot of time and space, and that if I was willing to give that to him, it might make sense to do so. "I'm talking about spending time together, as friends, without expectations," he said.

I wanted to let go of any expectations. But I also wanted to understand where I stood. I wanted to know - is he saying he just sees me as a friend? Or is he saying he has other feelings and just can't do anything about them right now? To me, those are different. That difference would affect how, or even if, I stayed in Turtle's life.

In my effort to understand, I think I may have unintentionally put some pressure on the situation. I intended to let go of my expectations, but to be honest and fair - I'm not entirely sure I ever did.

Somewhere in all of this, I have learned that I am not very good at letting go of expectations. I may not be in a hurry to get anywhere, but I do want to know where I am headed. That alone is an expectation - and probably one that he wasn't ready to manage.

So where does that leave me? Well, since Turtle and I haven't spent any time together, one could hardly say we're "dating." I suppose we're friends - but just barely. I am not sure if we'll ever get past this point, or what could happen if we did.

But I suppose that's the point, right? I need to learn how to let go of expectations, keep moving forward, and just see what happens.

I may be incapable of just doing things the easy way.

Not the girlfriend

So, Engineer is getting married next month (yay!). He invited me with a "plus one." At first, I wasn't going to bring a date. Going solo wouldn't bother me. I'd just chat and make friends with my table-mates.

But it's a formal affair, with dinner and dancing - and no one I know. The more I thought, the more I felt it might be more fun with a date.

The thing is - I'm not at the "wedding date stage" with anyone at the moment (remember - timing is everything). It would be relationship suicide for me to invite someone who might not show up, anyway. If you think I'm tough on people who cancel on me, you don't want to see what I'd do to someone who canceled on my friend.

So - I invited Trooper.

For those keeping track, or if you're new around here - yes, I'm taking a guy I used to date to the wedding of another guy I used to date.

The thing is- Trooper will be a great date. He'll be on time, he looks absolutely phenomenal in a suit (and knows to wear one). He'll open doors, pull out chairs, and help me with my coat. He's met Engineer, and is super-fun at a party. He might even dance with me.

He even responded to the invitation perfectly. He thanked me for inviting him, and said he'd love to go. No one is ever that enthusiastic about hanging out with me - and definitely not for something like a wedding.

I thought to myself, wouldn't it be nice to meet a guy who would respond that way? I mean, one who wants to date me. They're never that nice.

Then it occurred to me - that's probably one of the main reasons Trooper was so cool. It's not a "date" since we're just friends. No date means no pressure. Since I'm not his girlfriend, he's free to say no. That freedom makes everything more pleasant.

Of course, dating takes away some of that freedom. A guy who is in a relationship feels obligated to say yes, to keep his girlfriend/wife happy. But what does that say about dating? That it's a series of unpleasant obligations, done so that you don't have to meet new people?

What about my hope, to meet The One? A guy who will be nice to me, even when I'm asking him to do something he doesn't want? I'd have better luck finding a leprechaun to lead me to his pot of gold.

I suppose there is always the possibility that nice guys exist. Even when we dated, Trooper was a good guy (but don't tell him I said so).

If I found one, perhaps another isn't too much to ask.

Fall into love

If you're on Facebook, you know this is the week kids everywhere returned to school. You know this, because your feed was undoubtedly flooded with pictures of kids you don't even know posing at bus stops everywhere.

(Side Note: I post none of these pictures. We should totally be connected on Facebook). 

(Second Side Note: Not for nothing, but if I had kids, I probably wouldn't post pictures of them on the internet, with their names, announcing where they go to school. But what do I know? I'm not a parent.)

When I was a kid, Fall was always a new beginning. A chance to finally be more organized; to study harder;

Found it here

to make more friends; to have the best outfits. I didn't always accomplish everything, but the point was, Fall was when my new year really started. That feeling has never really changed, and even as an adult, Fall is my favorite season. 

I think the theme of 'new month, new season, new beginning' translates into relationships, too. Seems that singles everywhere get a little anxious this time of year, reaching out to new people, and even trying to reconnect with ghosts from dates past. 

I shared this observation with Engineer. He thinks it's because people are faced with more time at home now that the weather is changing, and they don't want to spend that time alone. He also thinks people are thinking about securing a date for holiday parties, a New Year kiss, and the ever-important couples Halloween costume. 

While I myself am not especially concerned with finding a Beast to go along with my Belle, I see his point. There are certain times of the year when people don't want to be alone, and there are certain times of the year that inspire people to make changes, renew efforts, etc. 

I, personally, will probably stick with a wardrobe change - but, hey, you never know what might happen.

NaBloPoMo - Friends with exes

Today's writing prompt is...

Do you remain friends with exes after you break up?

I'm pretty sure we covered this territory before. If we haven't, the fact that I'm constantly referring to advice from X and Engineer should be a hint that I remain friends with exes.

Not all exes, though.

For instance - Big and I don't speak. I think he was pretty annoyed when he found this blog, though we spoke a few times after. The truth is, I haven't seen him in person since the day we broke up (almost 2 1/2 years ago). We are still friends on social media (twitter, facebook, etc.) but we never interact.

I'd like to say it's because we have nothing in common, or that we were too in love to stay friends, or that our friendship just didn't develop enough strength.

But that wouldn't be true.

The truth is...I wasn't mature enough to stay friends with Big. He's a good man. He may have used poor judgment, but whatever he did, it wasn't any worse than some things that have been done to me since. Love is tough, and relationships are difficult. I didn't realize that what he did was...well...kinda normal. I had a lot to learn, and in the meantime, it cost me a friend. Truly my loss.

They say people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Those who come for a reason are here to teach us something, or serve a purpose. Those who come for a season are here to get us through a difficult time, or maybe enhance a happy time. Once the purpose or the time is met, that person leaves our life. It may feel sad, but it truly is something for which we should be grateful. Life sent us that person to bring the help we needed - like a guardian angel.

Those who are meant to be in our lives for a lifetime - well, they don't ever leave. Their role might change (from lover to friend, for example) but they'll always be there. For this, we should also be grateful. A forever-friend is truly a blessing.

It's true that X, Trooper and Engineer have each come and gone and come back to my life in their own way and time, but I think the fact that they found their way back is what shows they are forever friends. I guess Big was a season for me. He taught me a lot; and I am forever grateful.

(There are also exes who just simply don't deserve friendship - either because they were jerks, or they weren't around long enough for a true friendship to develop. But that's a different post.)

Intimidation

When a was in high school, a popular upper-classman asked me out every day for a whole year. I ignored him. We didn't move in the same circles, and he wasn't the sort of guy I found attractive back then.

But that wasn't why I always declined.

I said no because I assumed he was making fun of me. I expected if I ever said yes, it would be a set up for humiliation, which I preferred to avoid.

Even though that was 20+ years ago, I still struggle with that low self-esteem every day. Getting rejected as often as I do does nothing for my self-image. But it is a part of dating - so it's not something I can really avoid. Instead, I've learned to manage it better, and recover more quickly.

A while back, I was talking to a couple of friends about men who walk away. One suggested maybe some guys are intimidated by my confidence, and leave because deep down they feel I'm "out of their league." While I appreciate her saying so, I just don't buy that excuse.

Even as much as I question my own looks and self-worth, I have managed dates with guys who I felt were way "out of my league." I've even managed to walk away from those guys, realizing they weren't good for me.

If I can walk away from a guy who made me drool in my pasta, then a handsome, successful, professional with an advanced degree certainly isn't walking away from a woman because she writes the occasional fluff piece for a local news website.

Yet, that's exactly what a guy did last week.

At first, he seemed OK with the whole idea. He recognized my name, realized he'd read my posts before, and thought it was cool. Somehow, over the next two hours, he came to the conclusion that he was "intimidated" by my "local celebrity" and would "feel too much like common folk" in front of me. He was sorry, but this would not work out.

First, let me tell you - I'm nothing that even resembles a "celebrity" - local or otherwise. I write because I enjoy writing. I'm not even paid by the local news website - it has an entire platform where reader-bloggers write on a variety of topics. I don't even get too personal over there. I mostly write about current events and issues related to the city in which I live.

So what's the problem? I have no idea. I assume that maybe it was just an excuse. Though he said he was interested, maybe he changed his mind. Or perhaps, as Engineer suggested, he read something I wrote with which he disagreed, but didn't want to say so.

I've lost track of how many rejections that is this month - but that definitely the lamest.

I never could juggle

One thing I've always wanted to learn how to do is juggle. I feel like I lack the patience, focus, and hand-eye coordination to toss multiple flaming torches above my head, and try to catch them one by one, while keeping the rest spinning in the air. But I feel like it would look so pretty if I could figure it out - especially if I could do it while wearing one of those cute circus outfits.

Easy-Peasy
Found it here

Sometimes I think the same is true with me when it comes to dating. I'm not sure I have the patience and focus to manage, skillfully, putting my best foot forward while also being true to who I am, and at the same time look out for myself and where the relationship is going, while also not being too pushy, or putting too much pressure on the situation.

I mean, I know how to do all of those things - but I can only manage one or two at the same time. The rest seem to fall out of the air and into a burning pile of destruction, usually right at my feet.

For instance, my current situation...

I know I've put my best foot forward, both while we talked and on our first date. I'd like to be that woman who can just casually wait and see if he calls, and then follow blindly while he steers the relationship. But while that might seem like the "best-foot-forward" play - it's not being true to myself.

Being true to myself means saying something to assess his interest-level, so that I know I'm not spinning my wheels. But I want to do that in the best way possible, and with the best timing, so that I don't scare him away.

Do you smell something burning yet?

I asked Engineer what he thinks. He said he's waited until the six-month mark, which may have been a little too long. Then again, he also says women have brought up the "Where is this going?" conversation on a first date - which is way too soon.

So what you're saying is, the perfect time is sometime between now and six months from now?

Yes.

Well that's helpful.

The truth is, I don't have doubts about Mr. Ding-a-Ling's (still giggling) intentions. I don't get a player-vibe from him at all, nor do I get a "I'll just blow you off" kinda vibe. I think he'd tell me if he wasn't interested.

What I do wonder is, between a heavy travel schedule for work, and family that includes kids out of state, and the fact that he doesn't have a permanent address right now - does he have room in his life for the kind of relationship I want?

It could work, but it's a lot to ask of a new relationship. But recently, I've made some really firm decisions about what I want in terms of my relationship status, and I'm trying to make choices that will help me get what I want. That doesn't include choosing to wait around for anyone to fit me into his life.

Not even if anyone makes me drool in my pasta (just a little).

Relationship fix-a-flat

Trooper has been on my mind a little. Not in a "Geez I wish we were still together," sort of way. More of a, "Geez, I wonder what's going on with him?" sort of way.

He's been in touch with me a little (absolutely no talk of getting back together, by either of us), and it just sort of put him in my head a little more than maybe he should be. It got me wondering... Is he with someone? Is he happy? What's he got going on?

So, I poked around a little on facebook, and confirmed what I already basically knew. He is seeing someone, and they appear to be very happy.

I told him that he deserves to be happy, and I meant what I said. I truly want him to be happy, and if I'm not the person who can give him that, then ending things was the right thing. I may not like how it happened, or how it felt - but that's life.

If he's found happiness, I'm happy for him. That's how love - and friendship - works.

But I still found myself a little....melancholy? I'm not at all sure why. I didn't find myself wishing I was in her spot, or reminiscing about how things were. It just got under my skin, a little, to see it right there, in front of me. Then it annoyed me even more that I was annoyed, and my focus was being pulled away from things with Sparrow.

Engineer says the way around that is to cut all ties - including friendship - with Trooper. He said that way my attention isn't diverted, and I can concentrate on the good thing in the present, instead of a painful thing from the past.

I wonder... Is that really the healthiest way to handle these sort of residual feelings? Or is that like using fix-a-flat on a tire? Sure, it'll get you from A to B. But it's a temporary, quick fix to a much bigger problem. Eventually, you have to deal with it completely, or your car won't run right. One bad tire can throw the whole thing off balance.

Here's the deal: Trooper is in the past. Accepting that and moving forward is the name of the game. If I just push him out of sight, out of mind - is that really acceptance? Or is that just ignoring the problem - and if it is, aren't I just setting myself up to have to go through this at some point, whenever I can't ignore the problem anymore?

Would it be better to just deal with it head-on? You know, get the new tire and the proper service right away even though it takes longer and costs more, instead of trying to put a cheap, quick band-aid on the problem.

It doesn't mean we have to become best-buds. But if I run into him at church, or come across one of his comments on a mutual friend's wall, isn't that a better way to "deal?" As uncomfortable as it might be in the beginning, eventually it'll just be the norm, and that awkward, "what am I doing?" feeling will disappear.

Eventually, he'll just be that great guy I used to date, who is now my friend - and things won't feel so off balance.

Why relationships fail

When friends or readers ask me for relationship advice, they usually start off by giving me some context. They'll give me a little background, then tell me what specifically was said or done, and then ask for my thoughts.

Sometimes, though, I don't get specifics. I get general questions like, "Is it okay if I say this to my boyfriend?" or "What does it mean if my girlfriend does that?"

That's a much tougher question to answer.

The thing is, with a few possible exceptions, I don't believe there are any rights or wrongs when it comes to relationships. What's normal, and works for one couple might mean the end of days for another. So it's not exactly easy to say, "Well (s)he shouldn't say/do that. It must mean things are going badly."

Another thing I hear a lot is friends justifying someone else's behavior. "He didn't call me back, but it's because he's busy with his kids." or "He cancelled our date, but I know he's very stressed out about work."

Then they add: I still think he likes me. Do you think it means he doesn't like me? I think he likes me.

If I've learned anything, it's that just because someone likes (or even loves) you, doesn't mean a relationship is going to succeed.

Maybe not returning phone calls or responding to emails is this person's "normal." Maybe she really is stressed about work or he really has been busy with his kids. Is that okay? Of course. Does it mean he still likes you? How should I know?! What I do know is that his kids or work schedule doesn't have anything to do with you.

My answer to that line of questioning is usually this:

Of course he likes you. You're awesome - who wouldn't? He wouldn't still be around if he didn't like you.

Relationships don't usually fail because one person doesn't like the other. That's why dates fail. If two people get to the relationship point, obviously they like each other.

Relationships fail because two people are not compatible. One person wants more communication or more involvement than the other. Maybe their definitions of a relationship are not the same. Maybe they have different goals. Maybe geography, or kids, or careers, or religion...or whatever...is in the way.

So, instead of asking your friend (or your favorite relationship blogger) whether she thinks the guy likes you, maybe you should be asking yourself:

Is this the relationship I really want?

At the end of the day, that's a much easier question. Just prepare yourself; you may not like the answer.

Online dating makes you crazy

While helping a friend with an online dating profile recently, Engineer made a startling discovery:

The woman he's been dating for almost a year still has an active profile on a dating website.

Now, I have my own personal questions about this woman, and whether she's the best person for one of my closest friends...but those concerns aside, I had this to say:

My profiles are all still online. I've never taken them down - they were active while I dated Big and Trooper. So I can honestly say that an active profile doesn't really mean anything. What might mean more is when she was last on the site (most sites will tell you if a user has been active within the last 24 hours, within a week, etc.). While I was dating someone exclusively, my profile would have shown I hadn't been online for months at a time.

I will admit - my current profile would say that I've been online within the last 24 hours. I was - to respond to emails with a "thanks but no thanks" message. A totally legit reason to be on the site. 

I'd have to say, this is probably my least favorite part of online dating. I know some enjoy being able to stalk keep tabs on check in with their other. By going online you can tell if he's at the computer while not responding to your texts, or see if she's signed in when she said she'd be shopping with her mom.

Thing is....all that checking only gives half the story. So you know he's online - so what? You don't know what he's doing online. He could be checking out your profile....or responding politely to emails from other people...or taking a relationship quiz or reading the sites relationship blog. He could even just be signed in and have totally forgotten to log off before going to sleep.

I recently told someone that I believe assumptions and false expectations breed crazy in both men and women. Let's face it - always expecting one behavior, and getting another, is bound to drive even the sanest person a little kookie after a while. We can only question ourselves so many times before it creates self-doubt - and self-doubt is two skips shy of a cuckoo clock.

So if the cuckoo means you're crazy, and online dating leads to the cuckoo....doesn't logic follow that online dating will, at some point and to some degree, make you crazy?

I've been doing this on and off for over three years. I'll thank you in advance for not drawing any logical conclusions to what that says about me. 

Questionnaire

The other day, Engineer sent me this picture of a greeting card he found and "immediately thought of me." Isn't that sweet? He knows me so well.

I suppose some might take this as an insult. I mean, this sorta paints a picture of Princess Shallow-and-Picky, no?

I disagree. I think it paints a picture of Princess Knows-What-She-Wants, who has run into far too many Prince I'm-a-Total-Losers.

In fact, it gives me an excellent idea. Why couldn't there be a questionnaire that we hand out at the beginning of each date (just keep it to the point....they only get an hour to answer, tops)? Honest, written responses to four or five well-crafted questions might be all any of us really need to figure out if our date even has potential.

The trick is, you really need to know what it is you want. Your deal-breakers. If her number of exes, or his last tax return, is really what matters to you - you need to fess up, and put it on the questionnaire. Otherwise, there's no real point.

Here's a bonus, too: According to some studies, people are less likely to lie in writing. Think about it.... Who's going to lie in a format that can be ripped from a file cabinet and used against them in five years?! Not to mention, as we all well know, it is far less awkward to tell the truth in a letter (or email, or text) than while looking someone in the eye. Everyone is braver in writing.

So, after careful consideration, I've crafted my five questions*.

~ Do you have any crazy exes?
~ Do you support same-sex marriage?
~ Are you a morning person?
~ How long have you been single?
~ Do you like cats?

*This isn't a comprehensive list of everything that matters to me. Many other things matter, too - but if a guy gave me the "wrong" answer to any of these questions, I'd probably file him under friends-only, and move on.

Comfort zone

Engineer kayaks. When he read this post from last week, he got nervous I was talking about him (I obviously wasn't). My response to him went something like:

See, if you asked me to go kayaking, I would think, "Hmmm - he knows me well enough to know what I'd enjoy and what I wouldn't. He'd never suggest something unless he thought I might have fun. So maybe I should consider it."

He (the date) is suggesting it because he likes it, with no regard for what I like. When I say I'm not interested, he tries to convince me otherwise. I think he means it to be encouraging – which it might be, if I said I want to go but I’m afraid. That’s not what I said. I said I don’t want to go – and trying to convince me that I do comes across as condescending, not encouraging.

I also know you, and I trust you not to leave me stranded in the middle of a lake if I can’t paddle, or I flip over, or something. So it’s completely different if you invite me, versus a guy I've never even met in person.

I'm all for adventure. I like to explore and try new things. I'm certain there are people out there who take bigger risks than I, but I'll always try to keep an open mind.

Like I said to Engineer, I'm actually not completely opposed to kayaking (or other, similar, outdoorsy type stuff). But, it's definitely outside my comfort zone. When I step outside my zone, I need to be with someone I know, and who I trust. I need to not be worried about making a fool of myself, or feeling vulnerable.

That's not a first date. A first date is about getting to know someone, and starting to feel comfortable. So asking me to go someplace I've never been, to do something that scares me to death, with someone I don't yet know how much I can trust? That's too much to ask for a first date.

Way too much.

Keep it simple, and maybe we'll work our way up to kayaking, or bike riding, or hiking, or whatever. 

If you're really lucky - maybe I'll even take you shoe shopping one day.

Needles and haystacks

I'm quite certain Engineer is getting sick of hearing me complain. But he's a good friend, so he keeps listening.

The other day, I was sharing some of the things I've always found frustrating about the people you meet on dating sites. Engineer kindly reminded me that men on dating sites are looking for:

• A date
• A one-night date
• Their ex
• A green card
• Someone to support their video game habits
• Someone to help them move out of their mom/dad’s house
• Someone to have on the side
• Money
• Someone to relieve their male urges with
• Someone to “help” them

I sincerely hope he's not all right. I reminded him that he has been on dating sites before - and asked him which of those guys he'd admit to being. He instead admitted that there is a small percentage of men on dating sites who are sincerely looking for a relationship - or at least, to meet people and maybe seeing where things go.

I guess it's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Good thing I like a challenge.

How *not* to behave

First, I'd like to clarify that Engineer knows I'm writing this, and I got his permission first.

I went out with Engineer a couple weeks ago, to the place where he originally met the woman I now affectionately call Twin Flame Girl (or TFG). He told me she would be joining our group, and I couldn't resist because...well, I'm not dating, and I need dating disaster stories from somewhere.

We met for karaoke at a local hole-in-the-wall type place, with decent food, a nearly-friendly bar staff, and okay acoustics. TFG joined us a little late, immediately found a seat next to Engineer, and started searching for a duet. Awwww....

We had a group of six. This is the kind of place where everyone knows everyone. So, while Engineer was paying TFG attention, he was also interacting with other people. At one point, he sat down next to me, looking at the song sheets, trying to coax me into singing. He chose a song and she said, "Oh, I knew you were going to pick that one!"

You know - because they're Twin Flames and all, so they're in synch. Right. 

A little while later, TFG left the bar. No goodbye, no explanation, no nothing. I didn't notice right away, because I was tweeting. When I realized what the three guys were talking about, I asked, "Did she leave?" Engineer wasn't sure, and said he was going to text her to find out.

I thought about trying to stop him, because right then it occurred to me what she was probably doing, and him texting was exactly what she wanted. But either I didn't think or act fast enough, or maybe I just didn't want to get in the middle. Either way, he sent her a text, and she responded by saying she'd left because "he didn't seem to want her there."

I told him that's a classic passive-aggressive manipulation. I shook my head and said that was ridiculous, and he deserves better. Now - just so we're all clear and before anyone jumps down my throat - I'm not judging her. I'm sure she's a very nice woman, and she is attractive enough, and seems friendly and smart.

My observation of "passive-aggressive manipulation" is just that - an observation made from experience. I've behaved this way before, so I know. Of course - I was 13 at the time. But whatever.

"You realize she's probably out in the parking lot," I said. And, in fact, she was. She stepped back into the bar, and came back to our table to talk to someone else, while Engineer performed "Creep" by Radiohead.

I found that funny, in an ironic sort of way. It got even funnier when he got to the line in the song that goes...

She's running out the door
She's running
She run, run, run
Run

....And even funnier when the whole bar started singing the lyrics right along with him.

She's running out the door.


I could not stop laughing. Engineer's friend was trying to get me to shut up by gesturing that TFG was standing behind me. He doesn't know me well enough to know I just don't care. [I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course.]


As if this train wreck wasn't already perfectly timed, what do you think happened next? Well, while TFG is talking to Engineer's friend about (whatever I couldn't hear, but presumably Engineer-related) - the two of them were called to sing their duet.


They performed their song [Cruisin' by Smokey Robinson - I think], with her making sure to use his mic instead of her own so they'd have to stand close, and whispering in his ear just before the song started. She managed to turn it into a big production - which I also thought was a way of manipulating the situation. They came back to our table, and she sat down as if all was good.

I excused myself - saying goodbye to everyone at the table - and headed home. While I like a good bit of (someone else's) drama, I'd actually reached my limit.

Here's the thing.... Engineer admits he likes the attention, and I think he probably also legitimately likes this girl. Like I said, she is pretty, and seems nice enough. I get it. If you ask me, all three guys from our group probably like her a little bit. So obviously, she appeals to guys on some level with which I'm just not in touch. That's cool.

But in my opinion (which I've shared with Engineer) - he deserves way better than a passive-aggressive, manipulative, immature woman. I just have my doubts that someone who behaves this way knows herself well at all, or is in a position to have a healthy, constructive, long-term relationship.

I also worry if things don't work out, how she'll react if Engineer ends things. Can you imagine?

P.S. - Should I, at any point, start behaving this way, you all have my permission to call me out on it, then ground me.

Twin flame

This post has nothing to do with me, Trooper, or a breakup. How's that for a change?

Engineer still has a girlfriend, but that didn't stop another woman from striking up a conversation with him when a bunch of us were out not too long ago. He was just being friendly; she took it to a whole other level.

So over the weekend, he told her that he wasn't interested. He did this via text - which, you'd think, would be enough to send her running. Not this girl - she said she understood he needed time, and she's perfectly happy to give that to him, because she knows he'll be back. What makes her so sure?

Because she believes Engineer is her "twin flame."

I beg your pardon?


In case you don't feel like reading that whole thing, let me sum it up for you. Your twin flame is like a soul mate. The idea is that you were once one soul, and at some point, you split and have been reincarnated as separate souls over and over, waiting until your souls are ready to reunite. Ideally, you'll reunite in what will be each of your last earthly lives, so you can ascend together. (For the record, I'm not sure exactly where you're ascending, since I thought people who believed in reincarnation didn't believe in the other thing. But that's what it says.)

A twin flame is a very spiritual, karmic relationship. The connection would be deeper than any other relationship you'd ever had. Signs that you have met your twin flame include an overwhelming sense of love and attraction, finding yourselves in complete synchronicity (calling at the same time, buying each other the same gifts), feeling so close that you almost feel related, and the ability to contact each other through meditation.

I very nearly choked on my Memorial Day hot dog, I was laughing so hard.


Engineer has known this lovely lady for about a week, and she's already certain he is her twin flame - even though, as far as I can tell, none of those signs has appeared. He says she feels they must be connected because they have similar interests.

"What interests?" I asked. His answer? Music.

Wait - what?! You can't infer a deep, meaningful connection based on the fact that you both like music! Everyone likes music, for crying out loud!


Engineer is my friend; he means a lot to me, and has been more than good to me through my whole breakup, depression thing. I want him to be happy; and I want him to have someone who is kind, and loving, who appreciates him and brings good to his life. He deserves at least that much from a relationship.

Given my options, at this point, I think I'd prefer the girl who doesn't want to approve his facebook request.