What not to say

I get a lot of well-meaning advice on my dating life. I accepted a while back that I kind of invite it, even if not directly, simply by sharing my stories. I know it comes from a place of love and concern, so I try not to let it bother me. Still - sometimes, it does.

There are a few things that friends can do to avoid further hurting a heart broken friend, and show support at the same time.

Don't say.... platitudes and clichés. "It'll happen when you least expect it," or, "It just wasn't meant to be," sound helpful and positive. The thing is, your friend likely already knows all this nonsense. It's all true, of course, but is also little comfort to a person still trying to find her footing. When she's ready, she'll find it on Pinterest anyway, so just hold-off on the Paul Coehlo quotes.

Don't offer... advice on how to be happy. Your friend has not forgotten everything she's ever learned. She hasn't quit her job, stopped eating, or started avoiding people. She knows how to take care of herself, and she'll be happy when she's done being sad. Offering that advice really sounds like you're discounting her feelings and trying to rush her back to happy. Stop.*

Don't ask... how she's doing - unless you mean it. You know the answer - she's sad. If you're sick of hearing it, that's fair. But don't pretend you want to know, while secretly hoping she tells you about work or family. If you don't honestly want to listen to the answer, just don't ask the question.

What can you do? If she wants to talk, listen. It will mean so much that you care. Instead of advising her to "go out and live" or "find stuff to look forward to" - create those things. Make plans. Invite her out. You're right - distractions and plans will help.

Mostly, just don't forget how this feels. Chances are, you've been where she is. She'll be fine soon - just be her friend when she's ready.

*Of course, if your friend has stopped eating, working, or seems to be hiding from life more than usual - say something. She could be in a bad place. A little sad is normal - depressed is something else.

See ya

Engineer has a friend who has a profile on dating site. He viewed some profiles last week, but didn't email anyone.

A few days later, he got an email from a woman whose profile he viewed, saying she appreciated his interest, but didn't think they were a good match.

Because he viewed her profile? I told Engineer this woman is either harsh, or stupid. Maybe both.

The story provides a nice segue into a topic that is worth kicking around...when you owe someone a "see ya" and when you can just fade away.

I'm not bothered at all by men who talk to me online or over text, and then one day just disappear. I figure it's one of the hazards of dating, especially online dating where you meet a lot of people at the same time.

I'm also not bothered by guys with whom I have a couple of dates, and they still just fade away - if the dates weren't going well. You can kind of tell if things just aren't clicking, and can almost see the fade coming before the date has even ended.

I am bothered by guys who make a big deal about really liking me, wanting to see me, talking about the future - and then disappear. I'd prefer a guy just not lay it on so thick, because I find it sets me up with false expectations. Without the expectations, we could go on dates for weeks, and if he did the fade, it wouldn't bother me.

Which brings me to my problem...

I've been on four dates with Bachelor #2. He's very, very sweet. He has laid it on thick, but I think he's prepared to back it up, so really, he's done nothing wrong.

I just don't like him.

We've been on four dates. I purposely never went overboard with flirting, or texting, or anything because I wasn't sure how I felt and didn't want to lead him on. After our last date, I hinted - strongly - that I just want to be friends. I did not hear from him again for a couple of days.

Now that I have, I feel like he deserves more than just a fade. If he was a jerk...or we'd only gone out once...I could see myself just ignoring the text and hoping he'd go away. But this is a nice person who did everything right - so he deserves better.

The idea of having an actual conversation puts knots in my stomach. I'm mostly afraid of a) hurting his feelings and b) that he'll ask for another chance, and I'll cave because he's so nice. Friends say they're sure I'll be nice - and I know I will be. But that won't change the fact that his perception could be that I led him on, and he may still be hurt and/or angry.

Guess I'm starting to understand why the fade is favored by so many. If I wasn't so concerned about doing the right thing (and honestly, my dating karma) - I'd be tempted.
By the way....if someone has just viewed your profile, you don't need to send them a "see ya" email. That would be like rejecting every guy in a bar before they ask you out.

Trooper owes me shoes

For years, when things would go wrong in my dating life, I would tell X it was all his fault. After all, I'm supposed to be married to him...if he'd never left me, all this dating nonsense wouldn't be an issue.

But X is really good to me, and besides - I probably can't hold him responsible forever. At some point, it was bound to happen that another great relationship would come along, fail, and that would be the relationship that was supposed to work, and that would be the guy to blame for future disasters.

I believe that baton has officially been passed to Trooper.

Last month, I met this guy on Plenty of Fish. He seemed nice enough, and he seemed interested and willing to put himself out there and ask me out. It took us a couple of weeks to get our schedule in synch, and finally met for drinks one Saturday night.

Side note: I thought we were meeting for dinner, since we met at a restaurant, and he had them seat us at a table. Turned out he wasn't eating, so I just got an appetizer. This should have been a hint, but I missed it completely. Lesson learned.

That Monday he asked if he could "take me to dinner" that week. I said yes. He asked me to pick the restaurant (SN: I hate that. Come with a plan. If I wanted to do all the work, I'd just go to dinner alone.). Parking was tough, so we walked over from an adjacent parking lot. I was concerned about falling on snow, and he laughed at me. No, I'm not kidding. Then he made fun of me. "Oh, don't worry, I'll hold your hand."

I should have ended the date right then, but I'm very polite.

Once we sat down, he announced he wasn't eating - again. Now, I was raised that you don't eat in front of someone who isn't also eating. He informed me that was "stupid." Then he proceeded to tell me he doesn't eat a lot of foods for health reasons...which was a big fat lie because he was looking at the chicken wings at the time.

He eventually admitted he's just a very picky eater. That was evidenced when the waitress came and he agreed to order a sandwich - and then gave her the biggest hassle over choices of sides and additions to the sandwich. Just as embarrassing as calling her hon and then laboring over the bill.



I posted this picture on Trooper's facebook.
Even provided a link and my size.
That's reasonable, right?

 Conversation was tough. First he wanted to hear about my exes, and what had happened. He didn't believe what I told him, which annoyed me - but not nearly as much as when he started to "explain" why men sometimes "need to lie to protect a woman."

I swear it's a miracle I didn't stab him with my fork.

When he started telling me about his ex, and how much he regrets losing her and how he hasn't been able to "close that door all the way" - I put on my coat and said I needed to leave.

Now, I understand that Trooper and I are not meant to be anything more than friends. I understand that everyone - even this guy - comes into my life for a reason. I can't call this date a "mistake." But he laughed, condescended, poked fun, lied, defended lying, accused me of lying, and was rude to me and others.

So, while I understand that ultimately I am responsible for my own choices in life - I still say Trooper owes me shoes.

Facebook breakup

A friend send me a link to this article over at Huffington Post, written by a woman who "broke up" with an ex on Facebook.

If you know me, you know that Trooper and I are still friends - and that includes on Facebook  After he broke up with me, I never unfriended him. I did hide him from my feed, so I wouldn't see his face pop up when I wasn't prepared. At first I worried I might be tempted to visit his page, but I can honestly say I never was. I knew it would hurt, and I had no trouble avoiding that pain.

But the truth of that status update blackout was that I had done it to save myself from the inevitable 21st-century post-breakup tradition of weepily clicking through exes' photo albums, mining their feeds for hints of hookups or shiny new suitors and in the process, sparking all of those unanswered questions, desires to be near them again and general self-flagellation at the sorry state of things.

I agree. You need a break after a breakup. I got mine by hiding Facebook feeds, changing Foursquare settings, and muting Twitter.

I will be honest - I've never unfriended anyone on Facebook (except this one guy who annoyed me by arguing with everything). X is my Facebook friend...so is Big...along with Big's new girlfriend. Engineer is my Facebook friend - was even when things between us weren't that great. 28-Year-Old is my Facebook friend. Sparrow isn't, because he does not have a Facebook page - but both his sisters are in my friends list. I'm also still friends with a few random guys with whom I just went on a couple dates.

They're a part of my life, even the ones who remain in my past. I can't un-date, or un-know them. Why would I un-friend them?

Like it or not, social media is a part of our lives. It's bigger for some of us than others, but it's there for everyone. Even people who are not on a social network still have to deal with what others see and hear and talk about online, when it eventually spills over in to their offline world.

The first time I lost a boyfriend who was also a Facebook friend, I wondered if I should un-friend him. In the end, I decided that managing Facebook relationships is just part of a 21st century breakup. Like it or not, these guys are a part of my larger network.

If you broke up with someone you worked with, would you stop going to work? What if you dated someone who lived in your apartment building. Would you move? Of course not. You adapt. You figure out a way to deal with them, and their changing role in that part of your life.

I view facebook relationships the same way.

The article goes on to say...

...keeping in touch on Facebook nevertheless related to stagnant personal growth. The breakup sting had eased for the Facebook-friendly folks in the study, perhaps, but the moving onward and upward part hadn't happened.

So, staying Facebook friends might help mitigate the breakup sadness - but it keeps you from moving on. I definitely think there might be times when this is the case. I am sure I'll eventually meet a guy who I will have to block on Facebook; I just don't happen to think that's every breakup.

Trooper and I have started forming a friendship in "real life.". It started with texting, then hanging out. It's nice to spend time with him. We always had fun together, and I've always liked talking with him. There is the occasional awkward moment - like when a server assumes we are a couple. Is it sad for me sometimes? Yes - but mostly, it's a happy part of my life, and one for which I'm very grateful.

Sometimes, friendship happens where you least expect. Facebook is as good a place as any.

I deserve that guy

Things are over with Sparrow. While some big, dramatic, ending would be fun to read - it wouldn't have been fun to live through. I'm happy to report that wasn't how it went down.

We had agreed to talk when we could do so in person. I was torn about what direction I wanted that conversation to go.

The thing I wanted "to work on" was communication. Sparrow does not express his emotions; I'm never sure if he's happy, content, sad, angry. He just always seems indifferent about everything - including our relationship.

He always made me feel welcome when I visited. In fact, he didn't even make me feel as though I was visiting. When we went places he was (usually) considerate and attentive.

But I never knew if he was having fun. In fact, of all the times we were together, he never suggested one. I invited myself there, and I invited him to visit me. I began to wonder, if I never suggested getting together - would we? Does he even care?

I told him I need him to take an active role in the relationship. To communicate his opinions, preferences, and yes, even emotions, a little more freely. I told him I needed him to open up and tell me what he was thinking. I don't even feel as though I got to know him all that well...and yet, here I was calling this person my "boyfriend."

He acknowledged he needed to work on those things. He felt he was probably a little out of practice, having been single for so long. He said he knew communication was a part of a relationship, and he wanted to do that for us. Even if he didn't like it - compromise is also a part of any good relationship,

So while part of me was happy that he was willing to work on things - another part of me was wondering, should it really be this much work so early on? It's only been three months - shouldn't it still be wonderful and easy and carefree?

Not to mention - shouldn't he already know how to do all of this? What if we work on it, and it just never improves?

I kept wondering - do I really want this project?

I also kept wondering how much compromise is really OK. People need to continue to grow and learn, and a lot of times that can come from spending time with someone who introduces you to new things. We should learn from relationships.

But how much change is OK - and how much is enough to eventually make someone resentful? I'd never want to "force" Sparrow (or anyone) to change, only to have them become angry with me. I've had the "Look at all I did for you, and what did it get me?" conversation. It never goes well.

Anyway - all that wondering turned out to be moot. Sparrow showed less and less enthusiasm for getting together over the weekend. Thursday, I reminded him he was invited for either day. That was met with crickets....so I asked that he let me know on Friday which day he was coming up. Might seem unfair - but hey, I have a housemate and I was attending a birthday party on Saturday. I needed to let people know if it was just me for the weekend, or me plus one.

He said, "I'll let you know." I realize the phrase makes sense in the context of this conversation. However....it seems to me if seeing me and starting to improve communication were really priorities, his response would have been more definite.

I'm just looking to be a little bit more of a priority than, "I'll let you know."

I never heard from him Friday, even though I'd specifically asked that he get in touch with me and he specifically agreed that he would. I revisited the text thread - I even said please. [Side Note: Though I'm becoming more and more an advocate for in-person communication, moments like this make me realize the value of having a transcription of certain conversations.]

I didn't hear from him Saturday morning, either. At 2:43 on Saturday, I got a text: I won't make it up today. Pulled my back picking up a 36" TV. Hurts to move.

I thought about the fact that I knew he was going to an electronics recycling event that morning. I thought about how painful a pulled back can be. I thought about how heavy tube TVs are, and realized that was the sort of TV he was probably lifting.

Then I thought....

Did he ever plan to come up Saturday anyway? If he had, wouldn't that have been his response on Thursday? Or at the very least, wouldn't he have told me on Friday? Seems to me he didn't want to come up Saturday, and his intention all along may have been to present some lame excuse as to why he wasn't able.

I responded by saying, "When I didn't hear from you yesterday, I figured you weren't coming. Hope you feel better soon. Take care."

He emailed me on Sunday, and I ended up calling him to talk. I knew what was coming, and I suppose he did, too. The fact that he emailed me seemed pretty bush league, to be honest, and I thought emailing back, while polite, would be cowardly on my part.

There was no fight, no yelling, no tears. Just agreement that things can not go on the way they are. It's easy to blame the distance (and I'm sure it plays a part), but the truth is, we were not communicating. We were not on the same page in terms of where the relationship should be, how it should work, and where it is going. We agreed to be friends.

At the end of the day, the guy I want to date - the guy I deserve to date - would have wanted to see me this weekend. He would have done whatever it takes to make sure he was up here on Saturday. He would have acknowledged how important it was, and made it - and me - his priority.

Sparrow is a great guy. He's just not that guy.

Don't jump off that cliff

In case you were wondering, I have not purposely left you in a cliff-hanger about where things stand with Sparrow. Even if I liked them (which I don't), I don't actually think my life is exciting enough to make an effective cliff-hanger.

The truth is - I just don't know where things stand.

I wanted a break. Right away - literally, like two days later - I didn't feel the same. I still wasn't happy with the way the relationship is going, but I felt a "break" wasn't the best way to handle that. I thought maybe talking through my concerns was the better way to go.

So I tried.

It didn't go so well.

It's the sort of conversation I'd prefer to have in person. That wasn't possible, unless I waited - and I don't like waiting.

The phone is a better substitute than text or email, but logistically, that's tough. Plus I hate talking on the phone. I sucked it up and tried because, you know, compromise and all. I got so upset at one point, I had to end the conversation. I was afraid he'd hear my voice crack. Or I'd yell. Or both.

Talking again wasn't a possibility any time soon, so I ended up sending an email. In theory, that should have worked. I do my best communicating in writing. Unfortunately, it leaves so much room for intepretation - which isn't the best thing in this sort of situation.

The interpretation led to misunderstanding. Which led to some pretty angry words. Which led me to be pretty irritated. Which eventually led to apologies, and cooler heads.

We will likely revisit the conversation when we can do so in person. For now, we're still "on a break."

Don't jump off that cliff.

Love is scary

You may have guessed from recent posts that Sparrow and I are not seeing each other anymore.

Technically, we're "taking a break." While I hate that phrase, it is the most appropriate for the situation. I don't have the sense that things are over, but my heart isn't in the relationship right now. I'm not sure enough to continue moving forward. While it would have been more comfortable to keep him in the dark while I sort through my feelings (so I wouldn't have to worry about losing him), that wasn't fair. I didn't like having that done to me, so I wasn't about to turn around and do it to someone else.

So, to be fair to Sparrow, I told him how I was feeling and that I needed to take a step back and figure some things out. A "break" was agreeable. [As predicted in that linked-post, the conversation was uncomfortable and it did suck - but was absolutely necessary.]

So, why the break? A few reasons....

The distance. It's not an insurmountable distance. Truthfully, I know couples who've survived (and even flourished) with a far greater physical distance between them. My issue is that I feel the distance has dictated how quickly our relationship has moved. Our dates have been marathons from the very beginning, largely due to the travel involved. Part of me wonders, if we'd started with a quick cup of coffee, would we be where we are now?

The fact that we have to travel so far means we're really only spending time together on the weekends. Which means that if we don't see each other on the weekends - we don't see each other. That is not the relationship I want for myself. But being together on the weekends means giving up other stuff. If I'm there, I have to miss out on my own life at home. If he's visiting, then I have a house-guest, and am still not free.

I realize that compromise is a part of any relationship. Being with someone means I will have to give up time alone, or time with friends. But I feel like the distance is forcing me (and maybe him, I'm not sure) to give up more than I would otherwise. I don't like feeling that way - and honestly, I could feel it starting to affect how I viewed the relationship.

Our differences. Yes, I know, I've mentioned this before. I even talked it over with Sparrow. I just can't get past the worry that we're so different, it's only a matter of time before we figure out that we're really not compatible. I just don't want to get invested in the relationship, only for him to decide I'm not really the sort of person he wants around.

Our differences also create another problem: Communication. Sparrow is quite introverted, and not at all used to having anyone around who really, truly cares what's happening in his life. Getting information out of him is like trying to pull teeth. Actually, it's what I imagine it was like talking to me as a child (or a wife).

"How was your day?"
"Fine."

It really wasn't, but I never wanted to talk it through. Thanks to counseling (and blogging), now talking it through is all I want to do - and I feel like I'm nagging him when I try.

Fear. This is all me. I'm afraid to trust. I'm so afraid that I'll get invested and then my heart will get broken. It's not a huge exaggeration to say I barely survived the breakup with Trooper; I don't know if my heart can go through that again.

But an even bigger fear is not being single anymore. How messed up is that? I just said I'm afraid of getting dumped. So which is it - am I afraid I'll be single again too soon, or that I'll never be single again at all? Hey, I promised you honesty - I never promised it would make sense.

I've been single for a while now. Even when I was dating someone exclusively, I never fully trusted that person, or the relationship. I never allowed myself to rely on him. I never allowed myself to think, "This may be be the last person I ever date." (Well, OK, I thought it with Trooper - but I never actually believed it.)

Sparrow is different in every way. He's a kind, loving, warm, generous, caring, considerate, wonderful man who is honest and open about how he feels. I actually believe him when he says he wants me around forever.

So is this me saying my final goodbye to single-life? Am I ready for that?

As I read my own thoughts back to myself, I think, "What are you crazy?! You have a wonderful, kind, honest, loving man to whom you're attracted, and you're going to risk losing him?!"

Great, something else to be scared about.

Who wants to be the bad guy?

I've been thinking about my dating history. Counting a couple of teeny, almost insignificant, mini-relationships (one of which I actually forgot about - oops), I have been involved six times since my divorce. I've been the dumpee in three of them; I ended the others myself.

So I guess my claim that I'm "always" the one getting dumped needs to be reevaluated, or at least deserves an asterisk. It's worth noting that I did not end my marriage. Also there have been (I think) more one-or-two-date guys who rejected me, rather than the other way around.

The truth is, it doesn't really matter. The point is, this means I have fairly equal experience on both sides of the breakup fence.....

....and I've come to the conclusion I'd much rather be on the receiving end.

Yes, you read that right. I would much rather be the one to get dumped, rather than the one to do the dumping.

First of all - The decision to end a relationship - particularly a significant one that seems to be going OK - is a lot of stress. I don't need stress. That's why I have a job - and a family.

Second - If I'm dumped, I get to eat ice cream and wallow in bad reality television all I want. My parents buy me gifts. Friends take me to lunch. If the breakup is my decision? That's right - no presents, and everyone expects me to keep going to the gym because, well, I'm fine, right?

All kidding aside - I don't like being the bad guy. I know how heartbreak feels, and I hate the idea that I'm inflicting that feeling on someone else, particularly when I care about that person.

I told this to a friend, and she agreed with me that it never feels good to hurt someone you care about, and making the decision is scary. However, she still wants the decision to be hers. She prefers to have control over her emotions. She wants to be the one to decide when the hurt starts (and stops), rather than having it be something that happens to her.

My friends are a lot stronger than I am. Mostly, I just want ice cream.

When do you let go?

You know that moment in a relationship where you think - this isn't right; how did I get here?! Then you do the swift, easy, spur-of-the-moment-because-you-just-know-it's-right thing and end things, right there, right then?

Yeah, me neither.

When I look back on a dead relationship, I can see where that moment maybe should have been. Where the thread started to unravel, and any normal, rational, sane person would have cut the string and moved on.

Thing is - love isn't always normal, rational, or sane.

Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm that girl who hangs on longer than she should. When I see a problem, I don't immediately run away. I look for a solution. When I don't find a solution - I keep looking. I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with being persistant, and loyal, and dedicated. Those are excellent traits, particularly with a significant other. Once I promise my love to you - you're sort of stuck with it (whether you like it or not).

That passion does become a problem when I stop looking for a solution, and start hiding from the problem. Or pretending the problem doesn't exist. Or blaming it on circumstances outside the relationship.

I don't do it on purpose. I just get so caught up in how much I love someone, and how much I want things to work because I believe they should, that I stop seeing what's right in front of me.

I think that's when it helps to have a little faith. Faith reminds us that decisions aren't always about how we feel, or even what we can see. Faith is about trusting our heart, and knowing that even if a choice is a little uncomfortable - or even scary - it must be right, at least in that moment.

That's also when it helps to have friends, who really know you. Who don't judge or lecture. Who do ask questions that make you stop and think, and really see what's right in front of you. Or who help you listen, and hear what's already in your heart.

"Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go - and then do it." Ann Landers

Relationship fix-a-flat

Trooper has been on my mind a little. Not in a "Geez I wish we were still together," sort of way. More of a, "Geez, I wonder what's going on with him?" sort of way.

He's been in touch with me a little (absolutely no talk of getting back together, by either of us), and it just sort of put him in my head a little more than maybe he should be. It got me wondering... Is he with someone? Is he happy? What's he got going on?

So, I poked around a little on facebook, and confirmed what I already basically knew. He is seeing someone, and they appear to be very happy.

I told him that he deserves to be happy, and I meant what I said. I truly want him to be happy, and if I'm not the person who can give him that, then ending things was the right thing. I may not like how it happened, or how it felt - but that's life.

If he's found happiness, I'm happy for him. That's how love - and friendship - works.

But I still found myself a little....melancholy? I'm not at all sure why. I didn't find myself wishing I was in her spot, or reminiscing about how things were. It just got under my skin, a little, to see it right there, in front of me. Then it annoyed me even more that I was annoyed, and my focus was being pulled away from things with Sparrow.

Engineer says the way around that is to cut all ties - including friendship - with Trooper. He said that way my attention isn't diverted, and I can concentrate on the good thing in the present, instead of a painful thing from the past.

I wonder... Is that really the healthiest way to handle these sort of residual feelings? Or is that like using fix-a-flat on a tire? Sure, it'll get you from A to B. But it's a temporary, quick fix to a much bigger problem. Eventually, you have to deal with it completely, or your car won't run right. One bad tire can throw the whole thing off balance.

Here's the deal: Trooper is in the past. Accepting that and moving forward is the name of the game. If I just push him out of sight, out of mind - is that really acceptance? Or is that just ignoring the problem - and if it is, aren't I just setting myself up to have to go through this at some point, whenever I can't ignore the problem anymore?

Would it be better to just deal with it head-on? You know, get the new tire and the proper service right away even though it takes longer and costs more, instead of trying to put a cheap, quick band-aid on the problem.

It doesn't mean we have to become best-buds. But if I run into him at church, or come across one of his comments on a mutual friend's wall, isn't that a better way to "deal?" As uncomfortable as it might be in the beginning, eventually it'll just be the norm, and that awkward, "what am I doing?" feeling will disappear.

Eventually, he'll just be that great guy I used to date, who is now my friend - and things won't feel so off balance.

Lonely fairy tales with issues

"But why would a guy do that?" 

I demanded answers from a couple of guy friends, about a new-to-me male-behavior I recently encountered:

Men who randomly keep in touch with their exes. 

I've actually never experienced this myself - but apparently, it's not outside the norm. Big and I stayed in contact - but only online (twitter, the occasional facebook post, etc.). Nothing personal; in fact, our interaction was largely limited to conversations that included mutual friends. There was no way to interpret the contact as anything other than friendly.

But this new behavior is an ex who contacts someone after a breakup, followed by a long absence. What's the point, I wondered. Is it a personality thing? Ever curious about people's behavior, I questioned a few women. They all felt it was a game, and the woman should ignore the guy.

So, I asked my guy friends.

"He wants to keep her as a backup, in case nothing else comes along, or whatever does come along doesn't work." 

"He might be lonely." 

"Maybe he realized he screwed up. He still has issues, though." 

So, what we have is a lonely man with issues, stringing a woman along until he's absolutely sure he's done with her? 

I bet Disney Imagineers are working on the fairy tale as we speak.

Waiting for uncertainty

Part of the reason that I'm undecided about this whole online dating thing, is the waiting. I'm not sure I'm built to just sit around and wait for love.

Well - that's not entirely true. It's not really the waiting that gets to me - it's the uncertainty. I've always said that I don't care how long I have to wait for something to happen....as long as I know it's going to happen.

I know this isn't a very popular point of view for the strong, independent, single gal, but - I love love. I like the idea of forever. I like the idea that there is one person out there for everyone - even if it does take some of us longer to find him than others. I want that it my life.

There - I said it.

That said....I don't mind waiting for my life to be ready, to find that perfect guy. Sure I'd like it to happen sooner rather than later, but I can totally understand if it just isn't time yet. The problem isn't that I have to wait.

The problem is that I'm waiting for something I can't be sure will ever happen.

No one can tell the future, and maybe this is where my faith in God comes in to play. Maybe I need to find a way to remind myself that if I trust in God's plan, then I do know it's coming - I just don't know when.

Sounds easy enough - but there's this uneasy feeling that creeps up now and then. It makes me wonder if maybe God's plan doesn't include someone special in my life. If that's the case - will I just keep meeting the wrong people, and getting my heart broken over and over? Or will I eventually just close myself off to protect my heart, and stop meeting people at all?

That's a scary thought. Between you and me - it's the scariest thought of all.

I recently saw a post from Pastor Joel Osteen, who I learned about from Trooper (irony) who said:

God wouldn't have put a dream in your heart if He didn't already have a plan to bring it to pass.

I'm not sure how Mr. Osteen would feel about me applying his very deep, meaningful message of faith to my online dating world - but there you have it. If God didn't have a plan to bring love into my life, he wouldn't have put it in my heart.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Day Thirty-One

Officially, my love cleanse started on Friday, May 25. That means that Saturday, June 23 (tomorrow) is officially Day 30. (In actuality, my 30 days started mid-may; if you've seen posts on twitter or facebook, you know that I have started dating again. More to come.)

So - it's okay to start dating again. But before I talk about that....

What did I learn?

I learned that I need to stop holding on to the past, or worrying about the future. I put too much emphasis on breaking up my life into segments - before and after a relationship, for example. I need to start looking at life as a complete series of ups and downs. Yes, I was up. Yes, right now, I'm down. Yes, I'll be up again. Stop looking at the before and after. Worry less about what was, and concentrate on what is.

I learned that it's okay to be sad. That there's a process, and it takes time to grieve when you suffer loss. I learned that I'm strong enough to pick myself up - and that I have amazing friends who will help me when I can't do it on my own.

I learned that it's okay to let him boost your ego a little - it's even a little normal. But at the end of the day, you really need to be able to remind yourself how fabulous you are. Turns out - I'm pretty fabulous. I'm glad I took some time to remind myself.

I learned that sometimes, it really is about the other person. That no matter how much you love someone, or how hard you try, if that person doesn't want to work on a relationship - it wasn't meant to be. And that's okay, even if it does hurt to accept.

I learned that I have pretty good instincts, and I should probably listen to them more. I really need to trust when I see a red flag, and learn to speak my mind about those concerns.

I was reminded that just because a relationship didn't work doesn't mean it was necessarily bad, or that he was a bad person. It just didn't work - and that's okay.

I learned that sometimes, you need to embrace your baggage; make it work for you instead of against you. Use it to figure out what works for you and what doesn't. In the end, your baggage can help you build a good relationship, not ruin one.

I learned that no matter how tough it is to be alone, sometimes it's exactly what you need. I was reminded that being alone isn't the same as being lonely. When you fill your life with love and laughter and purpose - you're never lonely.

I expect I'll go through this again; I don't think I'm done with this journey called "being single" or "dating." Will it hurt to have my heart broken again? Yes. Do I want that? Absolutely not - and I don't want to break any hearts, either.

But I learned that I want to be in love. I want a relationship; someone special with whom I can share my life. I learned that looking for that can be painful - but it can also be absolutely wonderful.

And I'm not afraid to try.

Dating dilemma

As I write this, I am not active on any dating websites. But it occurs to me that eventually, I may want to be again. Which brings me to my dilemma.

Online dating sites are by far the easiest way for me to meet dates. My social circle is made up of people who are in relationships. My friends don't seem interested in fixing me up with their single friends (which is fine; I completely understand). Meeting people at work isn't an option.

I can certainly join clubs and other organizations, and I do. Thing is, while joining a club pretty much guarantees you'll meet new people, there's no guarantee any of them are a part of your dating pool. 

With online dating, I can choose the criteria for the guy I'd be looking to meet, hit search, and - BAM! I get a list back with all the guys in the area that meet those criteria. And guess what? They're looking to date (or presumably I wouldn't be finding them on a dating site). 

Is it a guarantee? No. Does it always work? Obviously not. But it is as good a method as any, and it is just one more way to meet people. If meeting people is the name of the game - why would I shut down a perfectly good method of doing that very thing? 

But as I think about the decision I've made to have some faith, and put some trust in God's plan for my life, it occurs to me that, if I'm meant to meet someone, he'll come into my life when it's time. If I keep trying to force things, I may just be setting myself up to continue meeting the wrong people.

On the other hand, sitting back and waiting for God (or the universe or the Easter Bunny - whoever is in charge of such things) to drop a boyfriend in my lap feels....well, passive. And weak. 

In any other area of my life, anyone would tell me I can't just sit back and wait for something to happen. Want a career change? Figure out what you want to do, and how to make it happen. Want to lose weight? Time to make some lifestyle changes. Want to get rich? Plan a budget. Nothing good comes to people who just sit around waiting for their life to improve - you have to do something about it.

So if all the other positive changes in my life require me to take action - shouldn't finding love work the same?  

Or is that the one time I am supposed to just sit back and trust that things will happen in their own time? 

Baggage check

I keep saying I know there are lessons that I can learn, and ways I can improve myself - and those are the positives that come out of a failed relationship.

My counselor even said to me, "Everyone has baggage. The trick is not to let it work against you. Make it work for you. Learn from it; and use it to figure out what kind of relationship works for you."

Makes sense, right?

He also told that, based on my description of my relationship with Trooper, there wasn't a lot that I did to "drive him away." Friends have also said that this particular breakup seems to have more to do with him, than me. That would be good news, except that it also leaves me with a question about what I should be learning. I refuse to believe there isn't something I should be learning, that might help me in future relationships.

I have baggage. I know this. We all have baggage. You don't make it close to 40 over 30 years in this world without packing some stuff away, and carrying it with you.

A lot of mine comes from my marriage. First, let me say - X is a great guy, and one of my best friends. If I ever needed help, or someone with whom I could trust my life, he would be my first call. He was a good husband, and I like to think I was a good wife. At some point, things got broken, we started to grow in separate directions, and couldn't get back on the same page.

Something that always stuck with me, though, was the fact that I didn't always handle stress in our relationship all that well. My own struggles with anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression made me doubt when I shouldn't, ask unfair questions, and get more upset than the situation warranted.

In other words I overreacted. A lot.

As a result, I think I'm overly concerned about acting that way in a relationship. When red flags appear, I constantly question whether I should bring them up, or if it's just a case of me being too sensitive. Or I wait to say anything, trying to talk myself out of being upset, because I don't want to come across as bitchy or angry.

More than one friend has said to me, "But you're not a mean person - you won't sound mean if you just mention it!" But those friends have never seen the way I can react if pushed. Even though I've addressed those problems, I'm still worried the old me will rear her ugly head.

So I rationalize the problem away, and let it go. This was actually a running theme in my relationship with Big, and I didn't even realize it until after we broke up. I was much better about this with Trooper. There were plenty of times that I felt like I needed to say something, and I did. I was never afraid to speak my mind with him.

Maybe I improved...but just not enough. Maybe I need to figure out a way to trust my instincts more, and when it feels like something's wrong, I need to just say so. Maybe I need to start being a little less worried about upsetting or hurting the other person, and more worried about what's on my own mind.

Maybe I need to trust that I won't hurt or upset the other person because, the truth is, if he's the right one for me and he's ready for a relationship, he's ready to hear whatever I have to say.

End of a relationship

The other day, a friend and I were discussing how men and women seem to handle things differently when a relationship ends. Men always seem to take breakups in stride. They bounce back, almost immediately, while the woman is left in tears, wondering what went wrong. Most of the time, that's the case even when the woman is the one who ends things, which is strange.

The very next day, Baking Suit sent me this picture, which I believe she found on facebook. Seems to sum it up nicely, don't you think? 

Good guy - bad relationship

Remember when I told you that I'd never say anything bad about Trooper?

That's still true.

Reading my own words back to myself, I realized when I fully disclosed a few red flags, it might have sounded like I was saying something bad about Trooper. I wasn't - and I wanted to make that clear.

Those red flags were more about me noticing that the relationship wasn't working the way I hoped. He wasn't as into me as I thought, or over time, I just became more invested in the relationship than he did. Whatever.

Sometimes, I think we tell ourselves the person who broke our heart was a bad guy, or flawed, or had issues, just to make ourselves feel better. Clearly, we're too fabulous for anyone in his right mind to have left.

But it doesn't really matter if the guy had issues, or if the relationship just wasn't working. Either way - that's OK. Sometimes, things don't work out. It sucks; but you heal, you learn, and you move on.

That doesn't mean you're not fabulous. And it doesn't mean he's not a great guy. It also doesn't mean that neither of you will never meet anyone, fall in love, and live happily ever after. Maybe one of you will. Maybe both of you will - just not with each other.

That's okay too.

I think when we look for red flags, it's important to look at the relationship, not the person. Focus on yourself: Is this what I want; am I okay with that answer; am I happy with this arrangement? If the answer is no, say something. It'll work out, or it won't, but at least you're not ignoring the red flags.

Just be careful to remember that those red flags are a warning that the relationship might be bad for you. They don't mean he's not a good guy.

Radar

You know how people say dogs can smell fear? I think men can smell vulnerability, or sadness. Or maybe they have radar. You know - like bats.

Bats also have cooties, so I may be on to something.

Within days - literally - of my breakup with Trooper, I got an email from a guy with whom I went on one date 18 months ago. He asked how I was doing, and if I was seeing anyone. I explained I'd just been through a breakup. He thought we should go out and have a few laughs.

I disagreed.

I respectfully told him that I'm just not ready, and plan to take a break from dating for a while. He was nice; said he understood, and to get in touch with him if I changed my mind, or just needed a friend.

But then...

I got the text I knew was coming. Since we broke up in October (a process that actually started in September), Gardner has contacted me about once every other month. Just a quick text, to which I'd send a brief response, and then it would be over for another 60 days or so.

So I had a feeling a text would be coming. He asked how I was, I said fine. He asked if I'd gone on vacation (he knew I had plans), I said yes. He asked if me and my boyfriend had a good time.

I cringed.

I hate lying. First - I just don't like to do it. Second, I don't like feeling like it should be necessary. It feels like I'm being forced to play a game, and that just seems unnecessary. I should be able to say to a guy that I'm single, without him automatically assuming that means I'm interested.

So, I said to Gardner, "That vacation was not with him, and he's no longer my boyfriend."

His response? "Should I be happy about that?"

Huh? How should I know how you feel about something? Or why you'd even care in the first place?! Sheesh. When I asked that question, he said he was just inquiring who broke up with whom. So I was honest.

"He ended things with me."

Gardner shifted gears, sent a couple more brief texts, then went away. I was hoping he'd go away for at least the normal 60 days. He didn't.

A couple days later, I got a text inquiring how I'm doing. Then the following week - the same thing. And they continue....

I don't want to be a bitch. This could just be his effort to be a good friend. Maybe he just figures I could use a friend right now. Possibly he just wants to stay in touch, and he does this with all his friends now and then.

But if the past is any indication - his hope is that this will turn into us going out on a date. I don't want that. I'm not ready - and even if I was, he and I broke up for several reasons. My guess is, those reasons haven't changed.

So what I wanna know is....how come his radar doesn't get that signal?

Be helpful

There is a certain excitement you feel when something new comes into your life. Meeting someone new is full of promise and hope and new things to get excited about.

I know I'm not ready to date, and don't expect I will be for a while. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have anything new to get excited about, right? And obviously, that doesn't have to be a guy.

So I've decided to take on some new endeavors. My job is...a pay check. And that's fine - a pay check is an important thing. But I need more than that. I have a lot that fills my life, and that's also exciting - but it's not new.

So I've decided to try volunteering.

I contacted a few organizations that have missions I fully support, and started the process to get out there and lend my time and talents (whatever those are).

I'm excited. The idea of looking forward to something new fills me with a hope that's hard to explain. It's like I'm taking something bad and turning it into something wonderful. Not to sound too corny, but it also makes me wonder if I might not find a greater purpose for me. That's truly something to be excited about.

Not to mention, it will keep me plenty busy, and filling my time with obligations guarantees I won't bail. If people are counting on me, I won't want to let them down. This way, I know that even on those days when I don't want to face the day - I will.

I won't have time to think about how sad or lonely I might be feeling. And the truth is - how can you be sad or lonely when you know someone (or in some cases, a lot of someones) are counting on you?

So I'll be distracted and busy, and feel needed and accomplished - all while being helpful.

I think we all need that. When we feel let down, and we keep asking, "Why me," or "Why now," or "Why that?" over and over - finding an answer is helpful.

I really think this situation will turn into a win-win. I'm just not sure who will be helped more - me, or them.

Full disclosure

The whole point of this blog is for me to share my experiences. Through sharing, others will hopefully see that they are not, in fact, crazy. There is at least one other person who understands where they've been and how they feel.

If I'm not 100% honest - that just isn't going to work.

So in the interest of full disclosure....

When Trooper first suggested that he and I take a vacation together, I freaked out a little. I specifically remember saying to my best friend, "I don't want to drop any money until I know he doesn't plan on leaving me."

About a month before we broke up, I told Engineer that I thought something was up with Trooper. The week before we broke up, I said the same thing.

A little more than a month before we broke up, I met a friend of Trooper's, who also happened to be his ex. I asked him why they never worked. Based on his response, I started to wonder if maybe he was the sort of guy who dated someone for just so long - and then walked away before he had to fully commit.

As recently as the day before he broke up with me, I found myself wondering if Trooper wouldn't eventually do the same with me. That maybe what we had at that point was all he had to give, and I wondered if it was enough for me?

Don't get me wrong - the breakup was still a complete surprise. All of these 'wonderings' were more abstract. I had no idea that anything actually was wrong, and I never saw the conversation coming the way that it did.

My counselor said to me, "It would be nice if everyone showed their red flags on the first date, but it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes, we don't see them until after the relationship has ended."

Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back, I can see the red flags were there. I noticed them - and I rationalized them through other things that Trooper said or did, or by telling myself it was just me being over-sensitive, or hearing my friends say I shouldn't be worried.

I guess something I need to learn is to trust my own instincts and listen to my heart a little more. Apparently, it's a lot smarter than even I realize.