Monday, April 4, 2016

Double standard

Every now and then, I think of something I want to blog about here...and then I either can't find the time, or am too busy doing other stuff when I do have the time, or am way too tired when I find the time, or I forget the idea (or how I intended for it to be a whole post).

Some of this is a side-effect of my new job, and the added work it creates. It has really gotten in the way of my work-day goof-off time, which was also prime blogging time.

Some of this is a side-effect of spending time with Toyfriend - which should probably be a post in itself, about finding balance between relationship time and time for myself. Just so you know, I have plenty of self time - I just spend it doing other stuff.

I'll work on it.

Today, though, I have stuff reasonably under control at work, so I've decided to take the time to write about something that has really been bothering me.

The side-effect on my friendships.

Between the fact that I spend a lot of time with Toyfriend, and the fact that my work is taking over a lot of my time, I have had less time to spend with friends. Not no time - I will always have time for my friends. Not only because it's what I want, but also because Toyfriend is very supportive and would always want me to take that time.

Mostly, I think my friends get it. They know I'm busier and trying to find time in my schedule for everything. Plus, most of my friends are in relationships - it's not like they had a ton of time for me before, and they understand wanting to be with my person. Especially since it's new, and Toyfriend and I still actually like each other.

But some friends seem miffed that I have less time. Which, I could probably understand, if not for the fact that these same friends have cancelled plans on me in the past because something better (read: a guy) came along (actually most of these friends have cancelled on and/or excluded me altogether for better offers that came from a variety of places, not just guys).

I guess I'm just finding it a little unfair that I'm in trouble for doing something every one of them has done to me - but that was OK. Seems to me the standard should be equal, and not different depending on who has the new boyfriend.

But, I also get it. I've been pretty available for, like, ever and haven't had any one particular person in my life who took up the majority of my time. I'm sure people have come to expect that I will be around, and my absence might feel personal - like I'm just not making the time for them.

For what it's worth, I guess my advice is this....

If you have a friend who has recently found someone, cut her some slack, especially if it seems this is a guy who may be around for a while. She's probably doing her best. If she refuses to make plans, or cancels all the time, don't be afraid to call her out. But if she is making plans - and especially if you're the one canceling - give her a little credit.

If you're single, don't spend too much time with your friends. You're setting the bar too high.

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