Friday, August 4, 2017

Nice guy syndrome

This is a departure from talking about my ongoing struggle with relationship anxiety. I saw a post from a friend who is dealing with something I have always found pretty intriguing (and also pretty annoying): Nice guy syndrome.

In case you're wondering - this is actually a thing. Urban Dictionary defines Nice Guy Syndrome as:
A condition where a guy feels he is entitled to dating a girl simply because he has been her friend and let her cry on her shoulder about the jerks. When she is not attracted to him, he chooses to blame it on the fact that he has been a "nice guy" and she only wants to date jerks. Really, not the mentality of a guy who is actually nice, because one should not be kind in the hopes of getting a girl and simply be kind for the sake of being kind. Any guy who tries to guilt you into dating him simply because you are friends has the mental affliction known as nice guy syndrome.
In my friend's case, her post says that she and Mr. Nice Guy went on two nice dates - and then he showed signs of being a little clingy. Since he's recently out of a relationship, my friend viewed that somebody.
as a red flag that he's not so much into her as he is into having

My friend isn't going to settle for just being anybody's somebody (hats off to my friend here). So when she told him things just didn't seem to be working out (perfectly fair after two dates, I'd say), his response is that girls just don't want a nice guy and his friend chimes in that she (my friend) must be damaged if she doesn't want to date him.

Damaged?!

It is not damaged to decide something that new just won't work out. It is not damaged to decide you're better off on your own than settling. It is not damaged to be upfront with another person and let him know where he stands.

It is damaged to try and lay blame on someone for doing any of those things. It is damaged to expect that just because you were nice to someone literally twice that she owes you a date, or a relationship, or friendship, or sex, or... well, anything.

A nice guy knows that a woman doesn't owe him a thing. He is not nice with an expectation of something in return. He is nice simply because he is a nice guy. If it doesn't work out, a nice guy thanks the woman for her time and the memories and whatever - and moves on.

Listen - women do this too. We find excuses for the guy not liking us or not calling back or ghosting or whatever. We tell ourselves we're too much of a woman, or we're too strong, or too this or too that. It's all an effort to make ourselves feel better. Maybe this is just the guy way of making themselves (and their friends) feel better.

That's fine - but then you keep it to yourself. Think to yourself, "Well I was nice, so it's her loss," or whatever you need to think to get yourself past this moment. But don't bring it back to her. That's not something a nice guy would do.

It reminds me of a quote from the Social Network. Erica - Mark Zuckerberg's college girlfriend - tells him:
You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that won't be true. It'll be because you're an asshole.
Even the nicest guy can be an asshole sometimes.

1 comment:

  1. There's one guy from back when I was in college who needs to read this...

    ReplyDelete