Thursday, July 17, 2014

No excuse

I read a few blogs by "relationship experts." While I don't think anyone can really be an expert in relationships, sometimes a different perspective is interesting. I don't always agree with what they say, but what do I know, anyway?

But this atricle Men look for sex and find love.... deserves a pause.

"Just because we think you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually INTERESTED. It just means we’re being “in the moment”."

OK. Just. Stop. Listen, I'm a 40-year-old woman whose motto is "boys have cooties." I know all about gender stereotypes. Women are crazy, men are stupid, etc, etc. Stereotypes exist for a reason - and they are often true. No one gets that more than I.

But living up (or in this case down) to a stereotype isn't an excuse. Being a woman does not excuse me from being crazy - and being a man does not excuse someone from being a jerk.

Mr. Katz points out that men who want a real relationship also want sex, plain and simple. So what's a guy to do?

"How should I notify a woman that I am not serious about her before we start a physical relationship? What’s better? A written warning? Or perhaps a canned speech that while I find my date attractive and will gladly sleep with her for a few weeks, I’m actively continuing to pursue other women in the meantime? How’s that gonna go over?"

Newsflash: Women are exactly the same. Some may want a real connection, but in that moment - pardon the bluntness - just want to get laid.

It doesn't make anyone bad, or wrong. It makes everyone, men and women alike, human.

So what's a guy to do? He should be upfront. He should tell the woman his true interests and intent as far as his "relationship" with her is concerned. How's that going to go over? Well, some women will get pissed off. Some will be hurt. Some just might want the same, and everyone is happy.

Instead, men "say nothing and hope you don't get too attached." Or, they say what they think you want to hear, so they keep getting sex.

Those are both strategies to protect that guy's future comfort and happiness. Which is understandable. It's also the exact opposite of living in the moment.

"Why don’t we go to Adultfriendfinder for easy, no-strings-attached sex? Because it’s kind of skeezy. Because there’s no challenge and no human connection. Because we actually want someone that we can talk to, vent to, and hang out with."

Listen, I've already shared a bit about my feelings on AFF. Are there skeezy men out there? Sure. I bet there are skeezy women, too.

But at least it's honest. They want sex without commitment, and say so right upfront. There's no game, no illusion. No one is being misled.

No-strings-attached sex might not be for everyone. Some might find it empty, or unfulfilling, or just plain gross. But there's nothing skeezy about being honest.

Think about it: Who would you rather meet? The guy who just wants sex...and tells you he just wants sex. Or, the guy who just wants sex...and buys you dinner and flowers and says you're amazing and he can't wait to see you again - and then just stops calling one day, when he senses you've become too attached.

Men may "live in the moment" when it comes to things like where they put their car keys, or how late they are for dinner. That's a stereotypical guy thing, and that's fine.

But when a guy plans a strategy to have casual sex, and plans a way to let himself off the hook when his mark falls for his lie, that isn't "just being a guy."

That's being an asshole - and being a guy is no excuse.


  1. Upfront & honesty is the way to go. I still have fears about being in another relationship but I have agreement with a man where we both get want & nothing more. It works. And I don't care what people think. Not that I speak of it often. My mom loves to say "why would he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free". My response: "why would I buy a horse if I can get a ride for free."

  2. Unfortunately, for me anyway, sex usually stirs up feelings and then someone ends up hurt - even though it might have started out as a no strings attached thing. I don't think that means I was lying, just that things change.