We've talked about this guy before. He came back (again) a little over a month ago. Actually, I may have been the one to reach out to him this time. I don't remember now.
Anyway, we ended up getting together on a Saturday. We were actually having a really nice, open, honest conversation (a first). He said something strange to me that night.
"I don't know why you're always running away from me."
It got me thinking - does he perceive our relationship differently than I do? Does he honestly believe I am the one who walks away? Or was this just a line, another way of blaming me?
A week later, we had a rough start when he was out on a Friday. We got talking on the phone, and I was a little upset that he was out with someone else, when he never goes anywhere with me. (OK - I may have also jumped to the conclusion the someone was a woman. Sue me.)
The conversation ended poorly, but he called me the next day to apologize. Then invited me to lunch.
OK, I thought. Perhaps this time really is different. He's admitting he cares for me, he's opening up to me a little more, our conversations are more honest. I let myself start to believe things were going to be different this time.
A few text messages that week...and then nothing. I tried to reach him Friday, then Sunday. I jokingly (well, half joking) asked, "Is this your way of running away from me?" No response.
This has been his way from the start. Jump in, and then abandon the relationship at whatever point he chooses. We might be in the middle of a text conversation, or talking on the phone, or even together. One minute, we're in the middle of something, and the next he's just gone.
Right about now, you're probably wondering why on Earth I'm sharing. I mean, this guy clearly has a pattern of leaving, and I clearly have a pattern of giving him the opportunity. None of this is new, so why share now?
This time was different - because I believed him. I let my guard down, and let him in. So it really threw me when he cut and run.
I guess I wanted to point out that no matter how above it all you think you are, or how jaded or in control - we can all fall hard. I was having a tough time, really getting down on myself. I felt hurt, but also foolish. Shouldn't I know better? Or am I just getting what I deserve, since I let him in?
But that's not really how it works.
When someone treats you poorly, it says way more about him than it does about you. No one should feel silly or foolish for putting herself out there. You fall....and then pick yourself up.
Of course, that doesn't mean you might not do something foolish. And by you, I obviously mean me....