In my shoes

When I was married, the question I hated most was, "When are you going to have kids?" 

I understood that people assumed I would have an answer like, "We're trying!" They assumed I would because that would have been their answer when they were in my shoes.

But they were not in my shoes. I was in my shoes - and from where I stood, the question was rude and presumptuous. 

Even more - the question was thoughtless and potentially hurtful.

I could answer, "never" or "we don't plan on kids" easily enough. Aside from the judgy looks and

awkward silence that followed, it was no big deal.

But what about women who wanted to have a baby but couldn't? That's a much tougher question to field. Especially if you have to do so while fighting back tears.

That was how I came to realize that asking a question that assumes an answer is risky business - and something best avoided.

I thought getting older and divorced would mean my days of awkward, invasive questions were over. But since Toyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years, and we are neither married nor living together, I do have the occasional well-meaning friend ask me, "So when will one of those things happen?"

Once again - I get it. They want me to be happy - and they assume that I have a simple answer like, "Pretty soon" or "We're talking about that." 

But it's not something we're talking about, and it's probably not ever going to happen. That is tough enough for me to accept privately. It's even tougher to fight back tears while I try and pretend that it's OK with me, or even that it's my choice. Neither is true, but I am embarrassed to admit that, so I pretend.

Then I cry later.

I think we should all just agree that we should stop assuming the way things must be with other people based on the way things are with us. Everyone is different.

You really have no way of knowing how another person's shoes might fit.