Wednesday, May 21, 2014

OK to dabble

So, about this guy who I wasn't quick to judge...

When we first spoke, he told me he wasn't open to anything serious because he had just gotten out of a marriage. Like I said, I could respect and understand that - and at one point, I would have been OK dating him casually. There have been plenty of times when I wanted to date, without worrying it would get all serious.

But when I say I'm OK with casual dating, I mean that when he is open with me - and any other women he's dating - about his status. In other words, no women think they're exclusive, when they're not. I'm OK with it as long as everyone is on the same page, and has the same status. I'm never OK with being casual with someone who is serious with someone else.

Last week, Mr. Not-so-serious emailed me and asked how things were going. We got talking back and forth about upcoming concerts and festivals, and he mentioned that he and his "gf" will probably check out the mid-week free concerts near their apartment.

Wait...what? Girlfriend?!

I replied and said something to the effect of, I didn't realize you had a girlfriend...I was under the impression you weren't open to anything serious. He said, "Well her and I have an open relationship. So we are free to play and dabble."

Dabble?! Dabble is something you do in hobbies - not with people's feelings or emotions.

I never replied to that email, and I'm hoping he gets the hint and I never have to explain why. Not because I can't, but because I know that no matter what I say, he'll say it's me judging him like the others he mentioned during our first conversation.

To be clear - I still don't see anything wrong with someone wanting to keep things casual. Like I said, I think it's understandable and respectable, particularly if he is upfront about it from the beginning.

But (like I also said) it's not cool when everyone isn't on the same page, or level. If this woman is his girlfriend, she clearly has a right to different expectations than any other women with whom he chooses to "dabble." I would not be OK with keeping things casual, if I know there's another woman who is not keeping things the same.

I'm willing to bet some of those bad reactions he told me about came after he told the other women about the girlfriend. Rather than try to explain myself when I don't owe an explanation, or come across as judgmental or unfair, I just stopped replying.

Hopefully, he'll just take his dabble elsewhere.


  1. I'm in total agreement with this one. TOTAL FREAKING AGREEMENT.

  2. I always wonder if the others know they're in an open relationship.

  3. That's just odd. Or the gf isn't fully informed about his dabbles. Or both!

  4. I suspect the girlfriend may not be aware she's in an open relationship.