Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Worth the effort

There's, like, four of you that know the whole Turtle story. The rest know this little bit, in which I said I was willing to take a step back and let things just play out.

Everyone, regardless of what they know, seems to think I'm crazy. Which is fair. They are my friends, and want me to be happy. They see what I'm doing, and wonder why I'd put this much effort into a guy who, in their collective opinion, is not worth the trouble.

Here's the thing....

I have, as we all know, been on roughly a bazillion dates in the last 2+ years (since Trooper). I haven't really found anyone worth crossing a street, much less multiple conversations, and compromise.

But Turtle seems to be. Why? Well... He's kind and smart and respectful. He's hilarious and always makes me laugh. He's fun and likes some of the same things I do. He's a great listener. He makes me feel special. I feel like I can trust him.

But he is not 100% available (emotionally) to be in a relationship. That's a problem.

You may wonder - well, GGS can't you find someone who has all those qualities, but is ready?!

Well....see above. We've seen no evidence to support that theory.

I am totally OK with the slowing down. What has proved to be a challenge is the inconsistency. I still find myself wondering where I stand. Am I being friend-zoned? Will this phone conversation be the last I hear from him? Has he changed his mind? Because Turtle is all over the place, it's hard to pinpoint just where I stand.

The questions are endless, and I have given myself (and, I suspect, others) a headache trying to find the answers.

I do think Turtle is worth the effort. I accepted a long time ago that the relationship I want isn't one that is necessarily simple or easy. Sure that'd be nice - but what I really want is amazing.

Amazing is worth the effort - and I think Turtle could be amazing.

But, admittedly, all this back and forth wreaks havoc on my insecurities. It brings back every fear I have ever had about being left, about losing someone, getting hurt, or about being misled.

To say I'm scared out of my mind would be putting it mildly.

I have thought about just walking away. Telling Turtle this just isn't working, and I can't hang out with him at all. Letting myself off this hook, allowing myself to heal, and then hopefully making room for someone else in my life.

While I know that may be what happens in the end, I've decided I want it to be a choice I make because I know in my heart I've given all I can. If I walk away simply because I am insecure or impatient - I'd feel like I lost. Like I let my flaws shape my world.

That may have been OK when I was discarding my flavor of the week, whose name I couldn't remember. But it is not an OK way to treat someone amazing.

I need to fix these things about myself. I may always be a little impatient, and a little insecure. No one is perfect. But I don't have to let those qualities define me.

So, for anyone who thinks Turtle may not be worth the effort - you might turn out to be right. He might friend-zone me, he might mislead me, he might just break my heart.

But even if that happens, I've still had the chance to work on some things about myself.

Which, I hope you'll agree, is totally worth the effort.


  1. Just a thought: you say "It brings back every fear I have ever had about being left, about losing someone, getting hurt, or about being misled. "

    What if that's why he's taking it so slow? For the same reasons? Have you guys ever talked about people you've dated - your past? or anything like that?

    Do not let these insecurities define you. Do not let the negative control your decision making. It's so hard - because we all want to move forward and not be hurt again - but, by backing off, and healing, and not seeing this through - perhaps you are making the same mistakes. Perpetuating a negative cycle?

    Any guy should want to wait for you. You are worth the wait.

    Now, when will you decide and be strong in the decision that THIS guy is WORTH the WAIT?


    1. He's the one backing away from me; I'm not backing away from him at all. He is not in a place where he can offer anything other than very casual dating. Barely more than friends.

      Friends worry he may end up using me - stringing me along until something better or more convenient comes along.

      We have discussed our past and he has some valid reasons for wanting to go slow. I decided that he is worth the wait. I also figure that during this time, I can work on my own personal insecurities, which I need to address for future relationships, whether with this guy or another.

    2. I never said you were the one backing away. I was just trying to give another perspective.

      And good lord, I hope your friends are wrong or being protective. Because dude, if that happened, I'd be pretty up in arms too.

      :) And I think you have the right mindset - waiting and working on you. You - who by the way - I think is pretty great. At least, from reading for the last 2 years (or so) about you, that's my impression.

    3. Aw, thank you! I think you're pretty great too. :) I don't think he'd ever do something like that on purpose. It's just the kind of thing that can happen, and I think my friends would prefer I meet someone who was more sure of what he wants.

      We'll see what happens. Even if this doesn't work out, I'm proud of how I've handled it. Not perfectly, but much better than I would have in the past. *pats self on back*

  2. For the record, I don't think you're crazy. I worry that you'll get hurt, but I worry about all of my friends that way!

    I do see this as an interesting opportunity to work on yourself though ;)