Middle ground

I have decided to have no expectations where Turtle is concerned. By "no expectations," I mean mostly I don't worry about where things are going. I try not to predict, or plan. I try to just take it as it comes. When we see each other (which isn't often), I try to just enjoy his company and conversation. When we talk/text (which is just about every day), I try to be as positive as possible.

As someone who likes to know where things are going, this has been a totally new experience. But I have to say - it's truly been enlightening. I am learning a ton about myself, my strengths and especially my weaknesses when it comes to dating. I am learning why I have been unhappy in previous relationships, and (hopefully) what I can improve going forward.

Of  course, no expectations also means that I am not just sitting around,waiting for Turtle. For all I know, he and I will never be more than friends. So, when I got bored the other night, there was no reason not to reply to a message on OKCupid....

....except that, as I suspected, I really can't give this guy a fair chance. He seems very nice. He seems enthusiastic about dating, and like he really would like to find someone. He's probably a lot closer to where I am (emotionally) than Turtle.

But I just can't bring myself to care.

I know I should give the guy a fair chance. But even if I cast Turtle out completely (which I do not plan on doing), my feelings for him would still exist - and they would still get in the way of anything happening with anyone else.

So what do I do? Well, for starters I completely hid that profile. I may continue talking with this guy - but not much longer, so I don't lead him on. Things will have to remain as friends, and see what develops.

As for Turtle....

I promised myself I wouldn't try to plan or predict. I also promised myself I wouldn't wait around. I guess it's time to figure out the middle ground.