"You're doing that thing where you analyze his Facebook, and make yourself crazy, aren't you?"
Baking Suit pointed that out to me the other day. To be fair, what I was analyzing was a picture of Turtle and one of his female friends, which I don't have to search out because it's his profile picture. Grrrr.... But, yes - the truth is, I have been doing that thing. I can be as foolish and girlie as the next woman.
I do have doubts. Lots of them. Things are still a little up in the air, and while Turtle has made it absolutely clear that he likes me, it is still not really clear exactly what he's going to do about it. Any minute now, he could drop a "it's not you, it's me" bomb, and I just know I'll be sad.
I told Turtle this can't go on indefinitely, but I did agree to give him some time. (Without going into details, let me just say he's not letting it sit around; I know he gets it.) The waiting and wondering is killing me, though. I have thought about how long I can wait before just pulling the plug; just telling him we are not on the same page...I can't do this anymore....let's just be friends.
Those thoughts usually creep in when my doubts make me worry. I am tired of letting my doubts win. When I stop and really consider things for a moment, I realize my doubts have way more to do with me than they do with him.
Doubting myself is a bad habit, that's tough to break. I realized the other day, while writing a post that will probably never see publish in its entirety, that I like this man enough to give it all I've got.
"I am ready for a wonderful man in my life. I'm ready to accept that I deserve it, it is possible, and it is in God's plan for me. I am putting all my faith in God on this one. I've chosen to spend my energy hoping, not worrying, and believing this will all work out the way it's meant to."
Normally, I would worry. They say hope takes the same amount of energy. So I've decided to try that instead.
I can so relate to the doubting & worrying. I know it's still that little bit of low self-esteem that's all in my head. What you wrote about putting it in God's is also what I'm trying to do. I have to accept that it will happen in his time, not mine.
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