Tuesday, October 2, 2012

My bitch-switch...and other fine qualities

Trooper and I have been talking. Turns out, we actually get along as friends, which is nice. I missed having him around. He "gets me" in ways that many others don't.

I even talked to him a little about Sparrow, and the fact that we were "on a break." Trooper's take?
"You're not that into him because I set the bar too high." 
He was kidding (I think), but the truth is - he may be on to something.

I was once told that I "should come with instructions." Sounds harsh, maybe, though it was said in humor, and out of love. It is also not really that much of an exaggeration.

It's hard to face our faults. After a divorce, a few years of dating, and several failed relationship-attempts, I'm starting to come to terms with at least some of mine.

I can be opinionated. I'm more than happy to listen to what you have to say, and on some issues, may even be swayed a little. But when it comes to things about which I'm very passionate - don't bother. Not only don't I want to hear what you have to say, it's very possible I will interpret your opinions as an attempt to convince me I'm wrong. Then I'll get angry.

Speaking of angry...

It takes a lot to get me there - but once I am, it takes even more to get me back. Not only that - it comes out of nowhere. I don't always express my frustration early on, figuring it's probably not worth the aggravation. When I hit a certain threshold - I can't hold it in anymore. As a result, I appear to go from nice to bitch in about 10 seconds. I call it my bitch-switch.

The right guy has mastered the difference between sharing his opinion, and convincing me mine are wrong. He knows to look for the subtle "anger cues" that even I can't hide. This prepares him for the bitch-transformation. Even better if he can anticipate what will get me to that point, and head it off at the pass.

I need things a certain way. Blame the fact that I'm an only child. Blame the fact that I'm a daddy's-girl. Blame the fact that I've been single for a little while. I don't care - but be ready to accept the fact I don't like to be kept waiting, when I'm hungry I need to eat, I will check my phone more than you, and I require more time than you to get ready for any event, ever.

The right guy not only accepts these things, he plans around them.

I don't share well. This is probably also a result of being an only-child. There is plenty that I will happily share: I'll loan people (who I trust) my things; I'll loan people money with no thought to when (or if) I might be paid back; I love to give gifts and am happy to give my time.

But don't ask me to share my closet space - and never ask me to get rid of my stuff to make more room for yours. Don't invade my personal space. Don't ask me to share a computer, or a TV. I need those things when I need them, and there is no room for negotiation.

The right guy plans for this stuff. He can also tell when a surprise hug would be cute - and when it might be invasive.

I like to be a priority. Not all the time (I do actually know it's not always about me). But sometimes it's nice to know that with everything a person has to choose from (friends, sports, hobbies, strip clubs) - I come first.

The right guy knows just how to do this - because he wants to, not because it's required.

I suppose it sounds like I'm asking for a lot. The truth is - I may be. Here's the thing...

I've been with a great guy who could do all these things. Even now - after fights, and bitterness, and anger, and tears, and separation, and finally moving on and becoming friends, he still knows me better than anyone, and accepts me the way I am. He can still tell, better than anyone, how I will react to just about anything, if I'm getting in my own way, or if I'm about to go bitchy.

He never complained about moving boxes upon boxes of shoes, or decorations, from one place to another. They were important to me, so he made them important to him. He put me first - ahead of friends, sports, and hobbies. Always.

He made sure there were always two bathrooms, so I could get ready at my own pace and in my own space. When we had to share - he got out of my way quickly, anticipating the time I'd need.

I suppose this is one of the true hazards of dating after a long marriage. Sure, you know all the things that didn't work, and what not to do again. But you also know what can make a person wonderful, and you hope - or expect - that someone else will do the same.

The thing is - none of that would have happened if he hadn't been getting something in return. I know I have an awful lot of wonderful to offer some lucky guy.  *pats self on back*  I not only know my faults, I know my strengths (I'll spare you that list). I'm not asking to get anything I'm not also willing to give.

So yeah - I'm looking for someone who shows that he's capable of that much wonderful. I know it takes time to work up to that point - but the potential should be there almost instantly.

Trooper was right about the bar being high. Between you and me, he's even right about the fact that he reached (and easily cleared) the bar.

He's just wrong about who set it so high in the first place.

1 comment:

  1. :) I like this post, and I love the voice used in it.