Thursday, May 9, 2013

Avoid guys who avoid crazy

I see a lot of profiles in which the guy makes a point of saying he's not looking for "crazy" women. Most of the time it's built into his profile - occasionally, a guy will go so far as to make it his headline.

I get the point - he's met women who played games, messed with his head, and treated the relationship and/or him with disrespect. He knows he doesn't want that again, and is saying so up front.

I respect the rationale - I just don't think it's effective.

My uncle always says, "Locks are for honest people." The meaning, of course, is that only an honest person would let a locked door stop them from entering. The people you're really trying to keep out - the dishonest people - won't let a lock stop them. In their world, locks don't apply.

Same idea here. Women who are disrespectful, immature, or insecure are not going to think the message "no crazy women allowed" applies to them. They don't think they're crazy - so obviously, you must not be referring to them. Meanwhile, the women you do hope to attract are turned off by the negative approach, and have moved on to the next profile.

Why? Let me tell you.

First of all, a profile should talk about the person in a positive manner. I want to know more about the guy, to decide if I'm even interested in reaching out in the first place. If he comes across as negative, I can already conclude I'm not interested. Referring to women as "crazy" makes him sound bitter, angry, or like he's not over past experiences. Moving on...

Am I interested in what he wants? Of course! But again - in a positive way. I would much rather read that a guy is looking for a confident, secure, grounded woman, over reading that he doesn't want a "crazy" person.

Plus, that eliminates the element of interpretation. I already know believe have it on good authority that I'm
not crazy. If that's you're only requirement, it'd be easy for me to think that maybe we are a good match. But if you remember to say in your profile that what you really want is an active, athletic woman interested in training with you for a marathon - you have just saved us both some time.

Not to mention - you're always going to meet people who are not a good match. Everyone needs an affirmative, defined idea of what he's looking for, to make it easier to tell the good matches from the bad.

In the last few months, I have broken my own rule and talked to guys who specifically said in their profiles that they didn't want any more "crazies." Both reached out to me first, and I chatted briefly with each. After a few emails back and forth, both just sort of faded away.

I suppose I may have come across as crazy, though I'm pretty good about hiding that, at least in the first few emails.

More likely, I think it just comes down to the fact that guys who say they want to avoid crazy do so because they are accustomed to meeting crazy women, and are convinced that's all there is. Why?

Either they are crazy themselves, and therefore attract crazy. Or they treat women so badly they eventually make them crazy.

Either way - I'll be avoiding those guys from now on.

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