Have his cake

One of the biggest misconceptions about online dating is that every guy with a profile is just looking for sex. That just isn't true. There are guys who are ready for an honest, healthy relationship. They want love, and are ready to commit to one woman.

(I haven't actually met any, but I know people who have.)

The guys I meet are either ready to jump into a dysfunctional relationship, just want a pen-pal, looking to date around, want something casual, or just want to hook-up (you know - super-casual).

I'm not judging. We've all been any one of these guys at one point or another. It doesn't make them bad people - it just means the two of you are not in the same place. Of course, knowing that doesn't make meeting the wrong people (or the right people at the wrong time) any less frustrating or confusing. For me, it's the guy who perfers something casual that is the most confusing.

He's usually not a bad guy. He often won't date around. He can be very sweet and nice and respectful. The two of you might have a lot in common and a great time together.

But usually, he won't commit to plans, either. In fact, he doesn't even make them with much more than a few hours notice. He calls or texts semi-often, but you never talk long. Conversations probably center around superficial anecdotes from the past, or basic day-to-day stuff. He won't really let you in, and he won't be looking for you to let him in, either.

What can be confusing is - why not? If everything is good, why not let it go to the next level?

That's how relationship-minded people think. If everything works, why not just let it turn into a relationship? But this guy doesn't think that way. His focus and dating agenda is completely different. He wants to hang out. He wants affection and warmth and companionship. In fact, he pretty much wants all that comes with a relationship - except the commitment.

It has nothing to do with you. Whether it's his past relationships, or something about his current situation, or just his personality - it's all him.

I'm not saying it's wrong. If you want to stick around, you should. All relationships start somewhere; many start off casual. It can work if you go in eyes open, knowing it (likely) has an expiration date. You have to realize that you'll have to put on the brakes when you reach the point where casual no longer works for you.

I actually get the casual thing. I like it, even. The confusing part to me? When you do put on the brakes, this guy might actually get offended! Why would you just stop calling? Sure, he did - but why would you? Why are you seeing someone else (even though he is, too)? Why are you still signing on to the dating site (which he only knows because he does the same)? Why would you just walk away when things were going so well? Why can't you give him another chance?

If you buy into this thinking, you might start to feel as though you did something wrong.

You didn't.

The simple answer to all those questions is - it's what he wanted.

Abrupt endings, seeing others, no second chances are all a part of a casual relationship. He can't have it both ways. He can't expect you to commit, or behave as though you have, if he's not willing to do the same. The trick with any relationship, no matter how serious or casual, is balance. Once there's a double-standard, and the rules apply to one person but not the other - the balance is gone, and the problems begin.

This guy wants to have his cake, and eat it too. I suppose that's OK for some, but I prefer more balance in my relationships.

And in my dessert.

Greatest fear

My parents divorced when I was just a little kid. So young, I don't have any memories of them as a couple.

My mother eventually remarried - and then divorced again. She gave up on marriage after that, but not love. She has dated and had relationships. My dad, on the other hand, never did. As far as I know, he's never dated. If he has, it was never anyone important enough to meet the family.

When I first got divorced, my greatest fear was that I would never find love again. Not because it wasn't out there. I was afraid I would close myself off; out of fear, or anger, or because I was just plain tired of being hurt.

In the year since Trooper left, I have noticed a few changes. First, I was more closed off. I wasn't letting anyone get close. Once I did, I found that I was more skeptical of love and relationships. I trusted less, and walked away more. I didn't care the way I once did.

Over time, I have noticed something else. I am OK. I am happy, even. I no longer worry about being closed off, or not finding love. I'm not shutting people out; I am more selective about who I let in. I've come to a point where I believe that if I am meant to be with someone, it'll happen - and if I'm not, it won't.

I've learned that I am OK with being on my own. I enjoy being single. I even resent (just a little) when dates interfere with my alone time, or time with friends.

I don't want to share. I don't want to look for a relationship. But it isn't because I'm closed off to the idea. It's because I know what I do want - and I am OK with saying no to anything less.

I'm no different from anyone else. I want to be happy. Like most, I believe that a good relationship is a part of being happy. I'll never shy away from a chance at a good, honest, healthy, happy relationship. I believe in love and romance, and want it in my life.

Yet somehow, during this last year of rejection, bad dates, hilarious moments, and false starts - I learned that it is just as easy (maybe even easier) to be happy on my own. I've been reminded that the best a good relationship can do is add to the happiness you create for yourself.

I no longer have any reason to fear that I won't find love, or happiness, because I know my life is full of both. I no longer fear I won't find someone who makes me happy.

Now, my greatest fear is that I'll find someone who gets in the way of the happiness I've created.

Since you asked...

A few random thoughts for a Friday...

• I go on so many dates, last week I actually confused my counselor. He was having trouble keeping up with the dates I was talking about. Next time, I may bring a flow-chart for him to reference. 
• There's probably no quicker way to get rid of me than to call me "boring" or say I'm no fun. Someday, maybe I'll share why.
• If we've already talked and we weren't a good match, please don't send me a message thinking that since I'm "still on here" maybe I want to talk now. If it didn't work before, it probably won't work now. In fact, now I will have trouble respecting you, because clearly you don't respect yourself. Why would you settle for someone who wasn't interested in the first place? You deserve better.
• One of the worst parts of having your email hacked is when it sends emails to guys you once dated, reminding them that you exist, when you prefer that they just forget.

Thank goodness.
Found it here

Worst date ever

A friend sent me a link to this Huffington Post article, about a bad date. If you look closely at the photo, the man has built himself a Fortress of Solitude - out of Olive Garden menus.

That's right - in a restaurant - in public - an adult man is hiding from his date.


Maybe he should wear this shirt on all dates?

 Now, I admit - this is a bad date. But I have to say - it's not much worse than being on a date, wishing you could build a fort to keep the person out - and not having enough menus to do so.

I do have to wonder - if the date was this miserable, why stay? 

Not just him - what about her?! Why sit there with someone who so obviously doesn't want your company? Why allow him to create a scene so ridiculous it was immortalized on twitter? In the photo, she's playing on her phone. Understandable, since she's being ignored - but then why stay? Why not just leave while he's (obviously) not looking?

I've hung in there on some bad dates. Whether it was out of etiquette, a sense of decency, or just old-fashioned guilt, I've stuck it out through dates that ranged from awkward and boring to just plain awful.

But if someone treated me like this? I'm pretty sure I'd take my breadsticks and go home.

I'd write him a note, though - on the back of the bill.

Old habits die hard

It's no surprise to anyone who visits here regularly that I am a big believer in taking the occasional break from dating. There are varying degress of a break - from becoming a full-on hermit, to just hiding an online profile. What you need may change from time to time, but the fact remains - anyone who is single for a while needs a break, every now and then.

I have personally found that a break is never more necessary than just after a relationship ends. I have found that if I move too quickly, I tend to transfer those old feelings to the new relationship - which doesn't ever work out well.

I am working on a few things in counseling that I know affect how I view, choose, and treat relationships. One of those things is finding balance between ignorning potential red flags and not walking away when I should, and searching for problems and perhaps walking away too soon.

In explaining some of my recent dating adventures, I told my counselor about this one man with whom I "ended things" after four dates. The guy had some control issues, and at first, I thought maybe it was just nerves, so I was trying to see if those were kinks that would work themselves out.

Things like offering to hold my purse while I used the restroom at a movie theater (????), checking with me to make sure I had turned my phone off before the movie (multiple times), commenting on my punctuality (or lack thereof) and asking if my dad knew about him (after four dates?!?). One may have been OK; maybe even two. But all of those things added up to someone with whom I didn't couldn't feel a connection.

My counselor was surprised at some of this behavior. He asked if this guy is divorced (he is) and for how long. When he found out my date had been divorced for over 6 years, my counselor asked if he was new to dating. Surprised, I said, "Yes, he is." Curious, I asked how he knew.

My counselor pointed out that people who either rush from one relationship to the next, or take a long break and become "rusty," have a tendency to pick up where they left off in the last relationship.

For example, a guy whose last relationship experience was the tail-end of an unhappy marriage will pick up with the next woman in that same place. He'll approach and deal with this new person as if she has the attributes with which he's accustomed to dealing (being late, wanting him to do everything, being rude). 

So I wondered, did I walk away from this person too quickly? Is that something that would eventually work itself out? 

My counselor said no - and that actually, he was impressed that I made the decision to walk away without feeling guilty (something else I'm trying to address). His feeling is that this person is probably not in the same place as I am, in terms of looking for a relationship. He said knowing to look for, and find, signs of important differences, is key to figuring out when I should stay, and when I should leave.

See - eventually, I was bound to break some bad habits and start to get something right.

Learn to be confident, not cocky

A few years ago, I realized I suffer from terminal shyness. My dislike absolute hatred for walking into certain situations solo, talking to new people, and learning new places was a huge obstacle. Having dated Big for so long, I was able to avoid the issue. Once I started trying to meet new people, I realized it was a problem.

I forced myself to move past my shyness. I decided I would find uncomfortable situations and participate. Whether that meant going to a meetup full of strangers, having dinner in a restaurant alone, or talking to strangers at an event - I was going to find, and do, new things until I fought my way out of the debilitating shyness.

I absolutely have empathy for people who are in the same situation. Empathy - not sympathy. My personal feeling is that if I can find a way to overcome 30+ years of shyness - to the point where new friends don't even believe I am shy - then anyone should be able to help himself with the same issue.

One thing that helped me get out of my own way was a sincere, fervent drive to not give the appearance that I lacked confidence or needed to control and plan every step. Especially when meeting new dates; I wanted to come across as easy-going and self-assured. I forced myself to exhibit those attributes, even when I didn't feel them. Fake it 'til you make it.

It's kind of like the saying "never let 'em see you sweat." I had a problem with worrying and needing to plan every single step, because I lacked the confidence it takes to just go with the flow. I had the problem - but I didn't want anyone to know. It has always perplexed me why some people don't worry at all about how desperate, worried, or controlling they seem, and how they don't realize that it's all tied back to a lack of confidence or self-esteem.

Not too long ago, I went on a date with a guy who had been insisting we get together for about a week. Even after I pointed out that I really didn't think we had a whole lot in common, he kept coming up with reasons why we should meet. Finally, I agreed to an afternoon coffee date.

At his suggestion, we decided to meet at 2 pm. He told me he'd text me at noon to confirm. Now - I understand wanting to confirm. No one likes to be stood up. Honestly, that's one reason why I choose coffee shops for first dates. I can just sit and sip my hot chocolate alone as if that was my plan all along, and I won't feel (or appear to be) stood up.

But confirming the confirmation text? That seemed a bit much.

Confirm he did - and he changed the time, moving it back 30 minutes. That put me ahead of schedule, so I got there early and grabbed a table. This particular coffee shop has a couple of smaller rooms off the main sitting area, so I texted my date and let him know where I was seated. I was so happily immersed in hot chocolate and Pinterest, I didn't even realize he was late, until my phone buzzed:

Are there any tables in the bigger room?

First of all - beggers can't be choosers. You suggested a time, then changed it, and now you're late. Before you've even met me, you're criticizing my table choice. If you wanted a particular seat, you should have gotten here earlier and grabbed it yourself.

That's what I was thinking - what I said was:

No.

A few minutes later:

What table ya at?

The shop is carved into three sections. They are rooms, so one does have to look to see who is sitting where. I had already told him I wasn't in the main sitting area, and that I was in the smaller room to the right. He had asked if there were tables in the larger room to the left - suggesting he knew what room I meant. So why ask again? 

I repeated myself and said I was the only woman sitting at a table alone. His response:

Where?

I'm not sure if he thought I was going to come looking for him, or if I would offer to come meet him at his table. Neither happened. I told him again. I was ready to leave and just say forget it, when he finally located me - 15 minutes after he said he'd meet me.

I don't know if he was being rude, or shy, or nervous, or controlling - or maybe all of the above. I do know that even if we'd had a chance at a connection, by the time he sat down, it was gone.

Being confident and taking charge is not the same thing as being cocky and controlling. It's hard to learn the difference - but the lesson is well worth the trouble.

Who should ask who?

OK, so I normally don't tackle age-old questions when it comes to dating. I think we can all agree that, for the most part, concepts like don't kiss on the first date and the guy always pays are out-dated and not in line with "modern" dating issues. These questions don't come up for me too often, and I suspect the same is true for a lot of singles, so I just don't go there.

So, you can probably imagine my surprise when a friend (male) suggested it was better for me to wait for a guy I like to ask me out, rather than taking the initiative and asking him myself.

I checked, and it was still 2013 when we were having this conversation - which was taking place via email - so the rules of engagement circa 1956 didn't apply.

But does that matter? Are there some dating rules that stand the test of time, no matter how old they (or we) get?

It is true that the idea a guy should always pay comes from a time when it made sense - because women didn't have their own money. Now we do - and sometimes, we even out-earn our dates. The idea that a guy should always

Found it here

shoulder that responsibility doesn't make as much sense as it once did.

Of course, to go along with the idea that a guy should always pay was the idea that a woman "owed him something" in return. Women who gave it up early on were sluts - but they got the expensive dates. If a woman wanted to be "wife material" she had to wave off those advances. Something about a cow and buying milk.

But that was also when becoming a wife was always the goal of dating. That's not necessarily always true these days. Not too long ago, a friend was invited on what would be a very expensive dinner date. Her mom said to her, "He'll want something, you know." My friend's response was, "Did it ever occur to you I might want something too?" (Side note: That was not the answer her mom was hoping for. I doubt she'll ask too many more dating questions.)

It's true, though - the older you get, the more in charge you feel about your own sexuality and relationships. It isn't something you're "giving away" - you're participating! That being the case, why does it matter who pays for what, so long as everyone is happy?

While there has been a shift in the culture, the purpose of dating is largely still the same: To meet someone, and find a relationship (though the details and terms of the desired relationship might be different for each date).

Since you have to find someone who likes you in order for them to stick around long enough to form that relationship (whatever it may be), most of us put our dating energy towards making a good impression - particularly when things are just starting out.

So, back to my friend's comment: Will I make a bad impression if I ask a guy out? I may think that it shouldn't matter - and I may have even gone on countless dates with guys who agree. But if it matters to this guy, and I'm trying to make a good impression - then I guess it is important.

Honestly, the guy in question is a little older, and very, very chivalrous, to the point of being traditional. On our first date, he opened doors - car and building - every single time one needed opening. He offered to pay for everything. He helped me with my coat, and he even insisted on walking on the curb-side of the sidewalk (a chivalrous behavior most men don't even know, much less do).

To someone like that...who asks who might matter more than it would to others. So in this case, my friend may have been on to something. Maybe I do need to let this guy do the asking - but not because I'm a woman.

Because the guy is a gentleman.