Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Have his cake

One of the biggest misconceptions about online dating is that every guy with a profile is just looking for sex. That just isn't true. There are guys who are ready for an honest, healthy relationship. They want love, and are ready to commit to one woman.

(I haven't actually met any, but I know people who have.)

The guys I meet are either ready to jump into a dysfunctional relationship, just want a pen-pal, looking to date around, want something casual, or just want to hook-up (you know - super-casual).

I'm not judging. We've all been any one of these guys at one point or another. It doesn't make them bad people - it just means the two of you are not in the same place. Of course, knowing that doesn't make meeting the wrong people (or the right people at the wrong time) any less frustrating or confusing. For me, it's the guy who perfers something casual that is the most confusing.

He's usually not a bad guy. He often won't date around. He can be very sweet and nice and respectful. The two of you might have a lot in common and a great time together.

But usually, he won't commit to plans, either. In fact, he doesn't even make them with much more than a few hours notice. He calls or texts semi-often, but you never talk long. Conversations probably center around superficial anecdotes from the past, or basic day-to-day stuff. He won't really let you in, and he won't be looking for you to let him in, either.

What can be confusing is - why not? If everything is good, why not let it go to the next level?

That's how relationship-minded people think. If everything works, why not just let it turn into a relationship? But this guy doesn't think that way. His focus and dating agenda is completely different. He wants to hang out. He wants affection and warmth and companionship. In fact, he pretty much wants all that comes with a relationship - except the commitment.

It has nothing to do with you. Whether it's his past relationships, or something about his current situation, or just his personality - it's all him.

I'm not saying it's wrong. If you want to stick around, you should. All relationships start somewhere; many start off casual. It can work if you go in eyes open, knowing it (likely) has an expiration date. You have to realize that you'll have to put on the brakes when you reach the point where casual no longer works for you.

I actually get the casual thing. I like it, even. The confusing part to me? When you do put on the brakes, this guy might actually get offended! Why would you just stop calling? Sure, he did - but why would you? Why are you seeing someone else (even though he is, too)? Why are you still signing on to the dating site (which he only knows because he does the same)? Why would you just walk away when things were going so well? Why can't you give him another chance?

If you buy into this thinking, you might start to feel as though you did something wrong.

You didn't.

The simple answer to all those questions is - it's what he wanted.

Abrupt endings, seeing others, no second chances are all a part of a casual relationship. He can't have it both ways. He can't expect you to commit, or behave as though you have, if he's not willing to do the same. The trick with any relationship, no matter how serious or casual, is balance. Once there's a double-standard, and the rules apply to one person but not the other - the balance is gone, and the problems begin.

This guy wants to have his cake, and eat it too. I suppose that's OK for some, but I prefer more balance in my relationships.

And in my dessert.

1 comment: