Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Mars, Venus, and jerks

"Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" 

The "most well-known, long-lived, tried-and-tested relationship guide ever" was published in 1992. I was eighteen years old. Back then, I naturally knew everything, so I had no need for a relationship guide.

It didn't take long for me to figure out that men and women do not, in fact, view anything the same way. If I was at all fuzzy on that fact, it would become crystal clear three years later when I moved in with my fiancé. We lived together for three years and we were then married for ten.

Trust me - I know men and women are worlds apart. In fact, I'm not even convinced Mars and Venus are different enough, but the title's sold millions, so there you go.

I've not read the book...but it seems to be quite quotable. The idea makes sense, and actually, not too long ago, a friend sent me a great video of Mark Gungor talking about the same idea - how men and women have trouble communicating because they don't see things the same.

If you've visited this little corner of the interwebz recently, you know I've had my struggles with communication, and dealing with men who don't act the way I'd like, or expect, or prefer, or whatever. It's happened several times.

Let me be the first to say, some of this has to be on me. I'm too impatient, too greedy, too needy, too selfish, too immature, too unreasonable - too something - in each of these cases. I could have handled any of these situations differently, and still be talking to, dating, friends with, or even in a relationship with any of these guys.

That's called compromise. Relationships are work. I totally get that. But here's the thing...

Found it here
None of these were "relationships" and none of them should require "work." At this stage, stuff should just work naturally, on its own. I should be able to just be who I am (which can be selfish, but also quite charming if I do say so myself), and the same goes for him. If a relationship is going to last, there will be plenty of time for us both to have to compromise and work at it down the road. A real relationship gets tougher, not easier - so if it's starts out tough, where's it headed? I am, quite simply, not interested in finding out.

I also believe that, regardless of where the communication breakdown started, if it falls apart that easily on something as simple as calling when you say you will - we're probably not a good match. If the guy was into me - he'd call. If I was into him - I'd be more flexible. It's that simple.

Which brings me back to the Mars vs Venus thing. I completely understand that men and women don't communicate the same way. However, it's one thing to be a guy (wanting to fix everything, wanting to avoid relationship talk) and another to be a jerk (canceling plans, not making plans in the first place, not calling).

All men are not jerks - and all jerks are not men. I realize some of what these guys are doing can be explained away by "well, he is a guy" - but not all of it is excusable. A lot of it just boils down to common courtesy - which should have been covered by their mom, or their dad, or their Kindergarten teacher. I'm not dating teenagers; these are grown men - they are established, with kids of their own (sometimes grand-kids even).

They are supposed to know better. I'm not supposed to have to teach them or train them how to behave or how to treat me. They're supposed to come already wired on how to treat a woman. If they don't - I'm just not interested.

If it's lessons they're looking for, they should date elsewhere. Of course, they could also feel free to read this blog.


  1. Well said.

    I was with you until the end...
    And, then.. I could see your point, but, honestly...

    And so are women frankly.

    Men are stupid.. and women think too much.

    1. Then I'll remain single. I was married for ten years; I'm retired from training men. I've done my part.

    2. You shouldn't have to train kindness, respect, or human decency. My husband is 7 years younger than I am and I didn't have to train any of that. Do we still work on how I prefer the dishwasher to be loaded or that the cobwebs don't take car of themselves? Yes. Did we have to work on how I prefer to get back rubs? Yep. But from day one he's been (mostly) kind, has always respected me, and has been a decent human being to me even if I didn't really deserve it all that much.

      Those things you shouldn't have to "train."