Friends Make Your World

My friends all told me that the only way to really get over someone is to find the next person. A guy I already knew asked me out right away (again - seriously, do men have radar or something?). I wasn't particularly interested in him - and also, it felt wrong to use someone to get over my heartbreak. I felt used by Big, to be honest - like he'd kept me around until something better came along. I didn't want to do the same to anyone else.

So, I kept to myself. I cried an awful lot. Being told I wasn't pretty enough was a huge hit to my already-wavering self-esteem. I spent time with my friends, and I dove into writing. I was writing anywhere I could - emails, text messages to friends, even a (different) anonymous blog.

The one place I was avoiding was twitter. Which, to be honest, really bummed me out. My twitter family is a great bunch of people with whom I like "spending time," especially during my workday. But I'd catch little messages and innuendos, and it really hurt my feelings. Especially since a lot of what I saw suggested that she really didn't like Big all that much. That just plain made me angry - to think that someone who had what I wanted, and didn't know enough to appreciate what she had.

After a little time passed, I started to notice something. There were friends that I had, even through twitter and blogs, with whom I was able to connect elsewhere. Email, facebook - even real life. It was amazing to find all these new people in my life, who made feel wanted and like I mattered.

Then something else amazing happened...I reconnected with my mom. She's been amazing, reading my emails and responding every day, even though I know she's busy. She's listened, and offered advice and comfort in exactly the way that I needed it most. 

I started to realize that my life was very full, and I had so much to be happy about. My friends had shown me that there were wonderful things that would be coming my way. The sadness I felt over Big started to pale in comparison...

"Wherever you are, it is your friends who make your world." William James

Butterflies

Online dating is just like anything else - it has its ups and its downs. It's really just something a single person does in today's dating world. It's another option. If you're looking for love (or even just a little like every now and again), why would you rule anything out? 

Meeting people online can feel a little...forced. I've found that when I meet guys, they often jump right in to "relationship mode." I met a guy a couple of weeks ago who seemed really cool. We went on one date, and I really enjoyed myself, so I agreed to a second. On that date, he whined when I said I was going away for the weekend (to see family) and actually wanted to come along with me. 

That wasn't the first time something like that has happened. Do I just attract that kind of desperate, lonely guy? Maybe (I certainly wouldn't rule it out). I also think the online meeting might be a factor. 

When you meet online, you both know (or think you know, anyway) upfront that the other person is looking for a relationship. I think a lot of people assume that the fact that you met online means you can just skip all the courting steps that a couple would go through if they met, say, at work. First get to know each other...then become friends....then date....then a relationship.

The thing is - that's all part of building a relationship. Relationships should always be organic - they should always be allowed to develop at their own rate. A profile can't replace the important connections that you build while getting to know someone and becoming their friend.

So take it slow. Let it happen; there's no reason to force anything, if it's meant to be, it will work out on its own. Don't wish away the courtship or the romance. You know, that feeling in your stomach? The butterflies.

We all want our butterflies! 

This One's on Me

Do you remember when I told you about the friend that Big met after work, right before the stuff hit the fan? Remember I said I knew her, too? I did. Do, actually. Remember I mentioned twitter? You guessed it. We're all friends tweeps.

I actually found out about the whole thing by accident. "She" tweeted a link to her blog. The post title had nothing to do with dating or relationships, so I opened the link, never expecting to read what I did. I was at work - and very nearly got sick, again. I started crying so much, I had to leave work early.

I never would have expected this. She's very different from me - and, I thought, from Big, too. This made even less sense than anything else so far.

My friends, of course, all had great theories. She's a very pretty woman - so maybe Big was just impressed that a woman like that was showing interest in him. Maybe it had been going on for a while, and he'd finally gotten the nerve up to say something. 

But I've been down this road before. The truth is, if a relationship is strong, a third person can't break it apart. Sure, they can cause problems - fights, even. But in the end, a third person is really just a symptom of a larger problem. 

The truth is - if Big had ever been really into me and invested in our relationship, there's nothing anyone could have done to break us apart. 

So the break was really on him, and on us....and on me.

Reality Check

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I had done wrong where Big was concerned. None of it made any sense. We had chemistry; we laughed together; we communicated well and had great conversations. We had fun together. He had wanted to spend time with me - pushed for it, even. 

I probably could have understood him changing his mind. But wrapping my mind around the idea that he'd been pretending the whole time? I couldn't do it. Not only did it seem impossible that a person could (or would) pretend that well for that long, but Big is an honest guy. He'd never put on a pretense, or misrepresent himself. He didn't have it in him. 

My friends rallied around me. From people I've known my whole life to friends who I had just met - even people  who I've only met through twitter or blogs - were right there to help me. Of course, people say the darndest things when they're not sure what to say, don't they? 

"Maybe he's confused; he just needs some time, and he'll come around." 

"It's his loss." 

"He probably has commitment issues." 

I was stubborn. It wanted to know; to understand what had happened. I wasn't willing to just accept that it was his issue, and I should move on. This was right, damn it, and I wanted it fixed. 

While my friends supportive words meant a lot (and still do; even more, now) what I really needed was a reality check. And I was about to get one...

Number Game

If you follow me on twitter, you know I often tweet about dating - mishaps, questions and, yes, occasionally even one that goes well. A couple of weeks ago, I put a question out there to my tweeps: What do you think about women dating younger guys?

I have always considered myself very non-traditional when it comes to all things, including relationships. But for some reason, I've always had this hang up about dating guys younger than me. I used to think it was because I was only attracted to older guys, so it didn't come up. Now I'm wondering if my hang up might be influencing my choices, and closing me off from other possibilities? It's that whole chicken vs egg argument. {sigh}

The whole thing started because I met this guy. He's sweet, funny, cute and smart. All good things, right? But he's eight years younger than me - so I immediately put him in the do-not-date list. Then we started talking more and more, and I started thinking...does he really belong there? If it wasn't for his age (or mine) - would I feel differently?

The general consensus among my tweeps (and assorted other friends) is that age is just a number. That if both people are interested in each other, want the same things, etc. - it should not affect the success of the relationship. It was also pointed out to me (by more than one person) that a man's maturity level has zero to do with his age. Which is true - Big is several years older than me, as was my ex-husband. They both made some very bone-headed, immature, silly choices that one would have thought they'd outgrown.

So, I started thinking - maybe age really is just a number. If I met a guy who was smart, cute, sweet and funny and didn't know his age, I'd be interested. Why should the number on his driver's license change that? 

Of course, I don't know yet if Mr. 28-Year-Old is interested in little ol' me (pun intended). But the fact that I'm willing to find out is a pretty big step in this game.

What do you think?

Get a Life...

....No - Seriously.

I left those online profiles out there, figuring they could do the talking for me for a while. I've met a few guys that, on paper (or monitor), look great. But when I chat in person, it's a whole other story.

I've met two guys who are in similar situations. One already holds a masters degree, but is pursuing a second masters that will certify him to teach. He goes to school full-time and works an overnight stocking job to pay his bills. The other is pursing a masters full time and does not work at all; he lives off student loans.

You would think men who are in school would have something to talk about, right? They're learning everyday! Wrong. A typical conversation (text, phone or IM):

How are you? I'm well! You?

Okay. How was your day? It was good. I did [this, this and this] and now I'm doing [this]. What did you do? 

Nothing. Let's talk more about you....

____________________________________________________________

Men, please listen: Women do not always want to talk about themselves. Yes, we want you to listen when we do want to talk. Sometimes, we want your input; other times, we just want to vent. Yes, we expect you to know the difference. 

But that's usually after a relationship has been established. I'm in the middle of trying to get to know these men - and they have nothing to say. One actually said to me, "I wish I had something more to say." Great - so say something - anything!! 

I'm not the most exciting person in the world, believe me. I'm a basically normal 30-something; I have a job, hobbies, family and friends. I have a house. I have two cats. I have a car. 

I have a life, and that's what I talk about. I expect the same from guys. It doesn't have to be exciting or glamorous. It just has to be real. It should be whoever they are. 

That is, after all, what I'm trying to learn about.

Now What?

I was completely heartbroken. I cried - all the time. Everything reminded me of Big. I even had to change my route to work, because he lives so close to my office that my regular route reminded me of driving to his house. 

I felt foolish and stupid for being that upset. I was constantly talking to my friends, and I really do think I was driving them nuts, but they listened (Thank You). 

I think the hardest part was that I just didn't understand. I didn't get how Big could have behaved like he felt one way - and now he was saying he never had. What's more - he made it out to be my fault. We'd only been romantic because that was what I had wanted; he'd only done those things because he was trying to please me.

Could this have been all my fault? Had I pressured him, or pushed things? I thought long and hard, because if I had, I felt terrible. I would never want to force a relationship on anyone. But, I truly couldn't come up with anything I had done that pushed the relationship. Sure, I'd invested - I'd even introduced him to my family. But that was a reaction - to him. 

I was pretty sure I'd let him take the lead on everything. That should have worked, right? This wasn't a classic case of "girl traps guy." The whole relationship was in his hands - and now he was saying that he'd never wanted it; that he'd made the whole thing up because he'd wanted to want it. And he did - but not with me. 

None of it made any sense. What had I done wrong?