Friend zone

I see a lot of men online who are just looking for friends...or who want to date but nothing serious...or who just want to "see where it goes."

I get the point. You enter online dating feeling like you just want to meet the first person who makes sense and settle down into a relationship. After a while, you realize that does not work. You get to a point where you really just want love and romance to happen naturally. You're still meeting people online - hey, it can't happen naturally if it never gets started - but you want to make sure it's clear you won't be rushing into a relationship. You want to give yourself time and space to allow feelings to happen and develop - and freedom to move on if they don't.

It would be great if no one felt they had to make that clear. It should go without saying that's how dating  works. Unfortunately, in the world of online dating, it doesn't. People easily leap to the conclusion that

Found it here

just because you're talking, that means you're dating. If you go out to dinner, they're ready to start picking out China patterns and baby names.

Some people take it too far, though. [By "people" I of course mean men, but that's only because I only have experience dating men. I'm sure women are just as guilty] By just messaging now and then (maybe once or twice a week) and keeping it superficial (How's your week going? How was your weekend?) it's very hard to make any sort of a connection.

If you're not connecting, you always have at least one foot in the dreaded friend zone.

Don't get me wrong - I know some people truly are looking for friendship, and that's cool. I also know sometimes people do this because after the initial conversation (or maybe even a first meeting) they prefer to just be friends.

I'm talking about people who want more - and want a chance to get to know this person better to see if they want more with her - but still hold back. It's like they're resisting saying or doing what they really feel because they figure it'll make them seem more interested than they want (even if that's how interested they really are), so they keep their steps in check.

I understand not wanting to get hurt. I understand not wanting to settle. I understand not wanting to rush into anything, or feel pressure (or pressure someone else). I also understand not wanting to become "just friends" with someone when you're feeling more. I understand wanting a relationship.

Seems to me there's a better answer than going to either extreme. There's no rule that says you have to either jump in without looking, or sit on the shore without even getting your feet wet. Not everything has to be a big leap; there is something to be said for taking small steps.

After all, if you want love to do its thing and "happen naturally," at some point you have to get out of the way - and let it happen.

How to read the signs

I've been going round and round with this guy I've been seeing for a while on whether or not I should call him if I haven't heard from him in a while.

He laughs and says, "Oh I forgot, your phone has that problem where it can't make calls, only receive them."

Exactly.

Thing is, I've gotten so used to guys just disappearing when they lose interest, I assume that's what's happening if he doesn't call for a while. I don't want to call him and put him on the spot if he's lost interest, and I also don't need to hear rejection. Feeling it sucks plenty.

In this particular case, it seems, this guy is still interested. His absence isn't a sign he's pulling away, like it has been with others. It's more a sign that he's busy, or not wanting to bother me.

My personal issues aside (yup, I know they're there), this is one of those situations where I just wish guys would get their act together. It would be much easier to interpret behavior if the same actions meant the same thing, no matter the guy.

Take these signs he's just not that into you, from iVillage. If not committing to plans is a sign he's not into you, shouldn't making plans be a sign that he is? I have had a couple of guys welcome my "stuff" at their place, allow me access to their computer or phone, or invite me to family/friend events - only to eventually be told that despite all that, they were just not that into me.

Down is up, left is right, in is out....and they say women are complicated. If I don't like you, I'll just straight up tell you. There will be no guessing. Why can't men be that easy to understand?

Found it here

Bling It on! Submit your glam heels to Hpnotiq for a chance to win

Click here to enter

If you're a regular reader around these parts, you know I date a lot, in the hopes of finding a relationship. You also know I've been single for a while, and you've probably figured out that I don't totally mind being single. 

One of things I like most about being single is the fact that I don't have to share my money, or explain when I spend it frivolously. Honestly, a great man in my life would be wonderful - but I'm already in a very happy relationship with my shoe closet. 

So I was pretty excited to learn about a new contest from Hpnotiq. From now until July 28, 2013, submit photos in different categories to win. Categories include glam heels, nails, makeup, and overall look. Images can be pictures you take yourself, or something you find online.

Visit

What can you win? One pair of shoes of your choice (up to $800 value), one purse of your choice (up to $1,000 value), one year of manis/pedis (up to $1,200 value), a $1,000 gift card to Sephora or Ulta (Yay!). Plus a chance to win the grand prize - a trip for you and three friends to join a celebrity in Los Angeles for a shopping trip! The grand prize also includes a professional photo shoot, and the chance to be in a real Hpnotiq ad.

So how do you enter? Hpnotiq's Glammest Hells Challenge is going on right now. Hurry - the entry period ends at 11:59:59 am EST on June 16! For the first challenge, participants are asked to share their latest shoe crush. Hpnotiq wants to see the glammest heels you can find. Submit a picture of your own, or find a picture online of shoes you simply must have. Four lucky winners will get their choice of glam heels valued up to $800.

To enter, visit here. You can also enter on Hpnotiq's Facebook page, or follow @Hpnotiq on twitter and tweet them your picture using the hashtag #GLAMLOUDER. If you're one of the four winners, you'll also be able to complete in the final round for a chance to win the grand prize!



I love these shoes



This post was sponsored by Hpnotiq. I was compensated for the post and ads. However, I do fully believe in the power of shoes, and am absolutely entering this contest.

Since you asked... Cranky edition

This collection of random observations sounds a little more cranky and complain-y than usual. Or maybe I'm just a little more cranky in general. Either way, I was going to change them up a bit, but then I figured cranky best represents my mood

What can I say? It's been a week. This too shall pass. Meantime, there's sushi and the weekend!

***********************

* If we've talked on the phone, texted, or gone on a date - why email me on a dating site? It's impersonal, and says nothing good about the future of our friendship/relationship.

* Let's just agree that unless you're traveling to the moon, being out of town is not a valid reason for being out of touch on a dating site. "I'm interested, will be in touch when I'm back," is really just code for, "I'm already dating someone, but want to keep my options open in case it tanks anytime soon."

* Incidentally, if you give me this line, we'll probably never date. If you can look for other options behind her back, what would stop you from doing the same to me?

* Why are you using baby pictures in your profile?! This isn't freaking Facebook. I want to see what you look like now. Not what you looked like 30 years ago, or what your kids look like, either.

* We've reached a new low in online-dating etiquette when a friend's ex contacts me on a dating site to ask me to ask her to call him.



Found it here



Spouse in the house

My church pastor loves to say, "Find your spouse in the house!" It's a Christian church, where divorce is a sin and sex is for marriage and making babies. The singles he's talking to are twenty-somethings looking to start a family. There are very few singles my age. I'm not convinced I've ever seen any, to be honest. So naturally, he's not talking to me.

Still, it was a little uncomfortable when I was sitting next to Trooper during Saturday's service, when we hear Pastor say, "Find your spouse in the house. Maybe your spouse is sitting next to you right now!"

I have never in my life wanted to duct-tape someone's mouth shut. I'm sure God would have understood.

Found it here

Message me if...

One thing I try very hard to avoid on my dating profile(s) is listing my requirements for who I'd like to hear from, and who I wouldn't. I talk about myself, which hopefully gives some clue as to who I might like to meet. I talk about what it is I hope to find in a relationship, so that prospective dates know right off the bat if we want different things.

I just feel like, "don't message me if you're so-and-so" or "such-and-such need not apply" is negative and comes across harsh and judgmental. Plus - it won't work. If I say "stupid guys shouldn't message me," most "stupid" guys won't realize I'm talking about them, anyway, because they think they're smart. Meanwhile, the smart ones think I'm just rude. Where does that get me?

Do you see the problem?
Found it here

Anyhoo...I was trolling stalking visiting profiles the other day in search of a date blog material chance to meet a nice new person, and stumbled across a profile that - at first glance - seemed very promising.

(Which just goes to prove you should never judge a book by its cover.)

His profile detailed some of his favorite things (food, hobbies, etc) and ended with:

You should message me if:

You like to enjoy life, see new places, try new things and are not diagnosed or ar being treated for any mental disorders, have not had a recent breakup or divorce and have not spent the last 5 years continously on this site or others like it.

Thanks! Hope to hear from you!

As I understand it, he'd like to meet someone who is either in denial about any emotional problems, or has chosen to leave them untreated. Mental illness could be anything from paranoid schizophrenia to a panic attack once during college finals. Best not to take any chances.

Prince Charming here is 37 and never married, and would presumably prefer to find someone in a similar situation. That should be easy, since the world is just over-flowing with men and women in their late thirties with absolutely no relationship experience. As a bonus, these people are, of course, the absolute best candidates for the type of mature, committed relationship he says he'd like to find.

If you have been in a previous relationship, he'll consider responding - but only if it did not end too recently. Of course, if it ended a while ago, that means you may have been on this site for too long, which is also a problem. It's probably best if you broke up with someone a year ago, took a break from dating, and created your profile within the last week. If that's you, the line forms here ->.

Of course, you need to be open to new experiences - as long as those experiences don't include a willingness to meet new people (at least not online), or try relationships, or anything that might trigger the slightest bit of anxiety (which can be considered a "mental illness"). 

By the way, the "You should message me if..." portion of his profile (which is on Plenty of Fish) was probably stolen borrowed from OKCupid, where the profiles actually contain a section with that title. I wonder how long this guy has been online?

What are you doing this weekend?

"What are you doing this weekend?"

Seems like a harmless question, right? I ask just about anyone this question, especially if we're chatting on a Friday.

A few weeks back I met a nice guy on Match. We struck up a conversation, and agreed to meet for dinner that Friday. I thought it went OK, but I wasn't convinced he was interested. I was pleasantly surprised when I heard from him the next day.

We continued talking all week, and the following Friday he texted me to say good morning, and that he was

I suppose that's one possibility.

sorry he hadn't texted the night before. He had gotten busy, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I didn't actually expect (or need) the explanation, but him giving it to me was, I thought, a sign he wanted to keep chatting. Plus, we were basically in the middle of a conversation (as much as you can be over text, anyway), so I was encouraged. It was a Friday morning, so I asked,

"What are you doing this weekend?"

I suppose it could have sounded like I was leading up to asking him out, or hinting that I wanted to ask him. Actually, neither was true, though I might have accepted an invite if one had been extended.

Turned out it wouldn't matter. This was about three weeks ago - and I haven't heard from him since.

I can understand not wanting to go out again. I can even understand (sort of) continuing to chat in case you weren't sure. I can absolutely understand not being sure what to say if you're not sure and you think you've been backed into a corner.

What's a little confusing is why a grown man would just disappear rather than just finishing a conversation - especially one he started.