I should have just let it go. Fine, I'm not self-aware. Fine, all I care about is money, and he doesn't have any. Those were outs, and I should have taken them, put the phone down and allowed myself the Nyquil-induced sleep my mind and body were craving. But my heart didn't like being told I wasn't self-aware.
Then it got worse.
"...you're pining over some guy, remembering the exact weekend the loser broke up with you."
Oh. MY. God.
Again - I had a perfect out. That's three - I'm focused on money, I'm not sure what I want, and I'm stuck on someone else. All perfectly good outs that
Instead I answered a question I'd been avoiding - about why I thought he lacked confidence, maturity or self-awareness (I'd already agreed he does have compassion).
I told him that he's very wishy-washy. That he won't commit to anything, including how he feels. He said, of course he commits - he committed to me, and how much he wanted a relationship with me. But that I had fooled him into thinking I was sincere. Apparently, I really wasn't looking for a relationship.
The thing is - I was sincere. Despite my doubts, I genuinely liked the guy, and wanted to see where it would go. But as soon as I realized it was moving too quickly, and it seemed he was getting more into me than I was him, I thought it should end. I told him this, and he responded, " Ha! What made you think that? Because I made you dinner? LOL."
This seemed like an attempt to back-peddle and say that he really wasn't that into me, and how could I be so stupid to think otherwise? So I pointed out that he had just told me how he cared for and missed me - and now he was changing his mind. No commitment.
- I care about you.
- I don't always offer canned answers.
- We could be magic.
- I know you want a storybook; I can see it in your eyes.
- Give us a chance.
I didn't understand any of these, so I didn't respond specifically. I said I was sorry for how he felt, but the bottom line is, I know what I'm looking for, and I won't find it with him. If we really were meant to be, well then I guess it would be my loss.
Which is what I should have said in the first place - and ended things with, "No backsies."