Monday, August 27, 2012

Relationship fix-a-flat

Trooper has been on my mind a little. Not in a "Geez I wish we were still together," sort of way. More of a, "Geez, I wonder what's going on with him?" sort of way.

He's been in touch with me a little (absolutely no talk of getting back together, by either of us), and it just sort of put him in my head a little more than maybe he should be. It got me wondering... Is he with someone? Is he happy? What's he got going on?

So, I poked around a little on facebook, and confirmed what I already basically knew. He is seeing someone, and they appear to be very happy.

I told him that he deserves to be happy, and I meant what I said. I truly want him to be happy, and if I'm not the person who can give him that, then ending things was the right thing. I may not like how it happened, or how it felt - but that's life.

If he's found happiness, I'm happy for him. That's how love - and friendship - works.

But I still found myself a little....melancholy? I'm not at all sure why. I didn't find myself wishing I was in her spot, or reminiscing about how things were. It just got under my skin, a little, to see it right there, in front of me. Then it annoyed me even more that I was annoyed, and my focus was being pulled away from things with Sparrow.

Engineer says the way around that is to cut all ties - including friendship - with Trooper. He said that way my attention isn't diverted, and I can concentrate on the good thing in the present, instead of a painful thing from the past.

I wonder... Is that really the healthiest way to handle these sort of residual feelings? Or is that like using fix-a-flat on a tire? Sure, it'll get you from A to B. But it's a temporary, quick fix to a much bigger problem. Eventually, you have to deal with it completely, or your car won't run right. One bad tire can throw the whole thing off balance.

Here's the deal: Trooper is in the past. Accepting that and moving forward is the name of the game. If I just push him out of sight, out of mind - is that really acceptance? Or is that just ignoring the problem - and if it is, aren't I just setting myself up to have to go through this at some point, whenever I can't ignore the problem anymore?

Would it be better to just deal with it head-on? You know, get the new tire and the proper service right away even though it takes longer and costs more, instead of trying to put a cheap, quick band-aid on the problem.

It doesn't mean we have to become best-buds. But if I run into him at church, or come across one of his comments on a mutual friend's wall, isn't that a better way to "deal?" As uncomfortable as it might be in the beginning, eventually it'll just be the norm, and that awkward, "what am I doing?" feeling will disappear.

Eventually, he'll just be that great guy I used to date, who is now my friend - and things won't feel so off balance.


  1. We have to fix a flat to get to the tire store to buy a new one.

    Sometimes a little distance allows for us to deal with the feelings and situation when it's not quite so raw and hurty.

  2. I had a similar situation....its a very hard balance! I guess if it becomes an obsessive, checking facebook everyday kind of a thing that's not good. But sometimes it is hard to not put past hurt behind you when you can check whenever you want. I haven't found a solution yet!