I said in this post that I have made some very firm decisions about where I want to be in terms of my relationship status, and I am trying to make choices that will get me there.
I've always felt that I ultimately want to be in a relationship. So the where hasn't been as big a question for me as how to get there.
When I asked Sparrow for a break, I realized right away a break wasn't really what I wanted. What I really wanted was for him to give me more of a commitment. I didn't think it would happen, so I walked away before I could be pushed. X told me that was a bad move. He said I should "get my head out of my ass" and realize that if I truly want someone to go all-in - I may have to be willing to jump in first.
So I did. He didn't. It ended. Go figure.
But it wasn't all for nothing. I learned a big lesson about myself. I learned that no matter how much I wanted a relationship, I haven't been truly open to one. Since Big, and maybe even since X, a part of me has been so afraid to say what I'm really thinking, out of fear - of losing myself, or of being rejected. So instead, I put up a wall and block out those feelings.
See, I don't need to have a "relationship talk" because I don't really want a relationship...unless you want a relationship. Do you want a relationship? You show me yours and I'll show you mine.
I'm not saying I want to steamroll a guy into a relationship - but I also don't want to sit around, passively keeping my mouth shut when things are bothering me. All that does is attract guys who prefer someone more passive than I really am, and land me in relationships where I can't be myself.
I've come to the conclusion that for a long time, I was OK with those results because, deep down, I wasn't really ready for a relationship. I didn't really know what I wanted or where I wanted to be - so any old road would do.
I realize now that the relationship I want is one that wouldn't be easy. The best things in life rarely are. As Carrie Bradshaw once said,
I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.So that's where I want to be. How to get there? I'm still sorting that out. But at least now I feel like I know where I'm going - and I guess that's a great place to start.
"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." Yogi Berra