Monday, October 29, 2012

Are we there yet?

"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there." Lewis Carroll

I said in this post that I have made some very firm decisions about where I want to be in terms of my relationship status, and I am trying to make choices that will get me there.

I've always felt that I ultimately want to be in a relationship. So the where hasn't been as big a question for me as how to get there.

When I asked Sparrow for a break, I realized right away a break wasn't really what I wanted. What I really wanted was for him to give me more of a commitment. I didn't think it would happen, so I walked away before I could be pushed. X told me that was a bad move. He said I should "get my head out of my ass" and realize that if I truly want someone to go all-in - I may have to be willing to jump in first. 

So I did. He didn't. It ended. Go figure.

But it wasn't all for nothing. I learned a big lesson about myself. I learned that no matter how much I wanted a relationship, I haven't been truly open to one. Since Big, and maybe even since X, a part of me has been so afraid to say what I'm really thinking, out of fear - of losing myself, or of being rejected. So instead, I put up a wall and block out those feelings.

See, I don't need to have a "relationship talk" because I don't really want a relationship...unless you want a relationship. Do you want a relationship? You show me yours and I'll show you mine.

Get it?

Avoiding that communication has landed me in relationships that just sort of happened. It's one thing to let things evolve naturally because it's happening on its own. It's another to avoid problems because you don't want to deal. I am definitely more laid-back than I once was, but the truth is, I do like to have a plan. I like to have at least an idea of where something is going. I like to have some say in the direction, even if I know ultimately it's not all within my control.

I'm not saying I want to steamroll a guy into a relationship - but I also don't want to sit around, passively keeping my mouth shut when things are bothering me. All that does is attract guys who prefer someone more passive than I really am, and land me in relationships where I can't be myself.

I've come to the conclusion that for a long time, I was OK with those results because, deep down, I wasn't really ready for a relationship. I didn't really know what I wanted or where I wanted to be - so any old road would do.

I realize now that the relationship I want is one that wouldn't be easy. The best things in life rarely are. As Carrie Bradshaw once said,
I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. 
So that's where I want to be. How to get there? I'm still sorting that out. But at least now I feel like I know where I'm going - and I guess that's a great place to start.

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." Yogi Berra

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