Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Distance Schmistance

I was talking to my counselor last week about how I've decided that, in order to have the relationship I want, I need to work on communication. During the course of that conversation, the topic of Mr. Ding-A-Ling came up, and he said to me,
"Maybe something you should think about is the distance - maybe it just doesn't work for you."
It's very true that I didn't like the distance between Sparrow and me. It's also true that I'm not a fan of how the distance impacted getting to know Mr. Ding-A-Ling.

But to be completely, 100%, clean-crystal clear on this - I am not opposed to a long-distance relationship.
"I wouldn't mind the distance if I was with someone who would communicate at the level I want." 
"But you're dealing with men?"*
Point taken. I am opposed to a relationship that lacks good communication. It was lacking in my previous relationships - which was at least half my fault - but I was able to gloss over that fact because of how often we saw each other. If you spend enough time together, it's easy to fall into what seems like a good relationship, even if you're not communicating well.

It's not the same when you don't have the option of being together. Finding time to text or call is absolutely paramount, and those conversations need to be more than just, "So how was your day?" You can't cuddle and kiss your way around the fact that you don't talk. The distance actually puts a spotlight on the lack of communication.

I can remember saying to Sparrow that if he couldn't (or wouldn't) work with me on our communication, then it wouldn't matter if he lived next door - things still wouldn't work. I believe that's true. If proximity was all that mattered in a relationship, there'd be far fewer divorces, no?

I won't pretend to be stellar at communication. Intrapersonal communication - sure. I can pull my own thoughts together and easily lay them out in written form. I am less skilled at laying them out verbally for others, but I can usually make it happen eventually.

But communicating with one other person, and putting it all out there, and making sure he knows how I feel, and doing so without fear of rejection, or sounding crazy and controlling?

That's gonna take some work.

*It's worth noting that my counselor is a man - and he still said this.


  1. Well said. I am in an on again off again (currently on) long distance relationship and the reason we're so flippity floppity on our relationship status (in my opinion) is because of his unwillingness to use the bloody phone! When I'm not with him, it's like moving Mt. Everest to get him to pick up the phone or text me back. But when we're together, he's constantly checking his phone! "Work stuff." Whatevs! I feel ya' girl!