Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The scariest word

A while back, when I was doing a love cleanse, a friend warned me to be careful, and not to become too independent, and shut people out. At the time, I thought that would never happen. I thought I was too much in love with the idea of being in love to ever shut anyone out.

Turns out - not so much.

It didn't take long. I did the love cleanse (no dating, flirting, sex, etc.) for a thirty days. Then I continued it for another thirty - unofficially. I started dating a little while later, but nothing serious, so my independence was never challenged.

Until the other day.

I went on a second date - my first in a while - with a guy I really like. We took a lake cruise in a resort town about an hour away from my home. I drove, and on the way back, he was responding to a few text messages he'd gotten while we were on the boat. One was from a friend inviting him to a cookout. He turned to me and said,
We were invited to my friend's house, but I declined.
We. We?!

It's been over a year since anyone referred to me as part of a we. I thought I longed to hear it again. I thought my heart would skip a beat, and I wouldn't be able to stop smiling. But the truth is, when he said we - I didn't feel any of that.

What I felt was more like - terror.

Not because I don't like him - I do. I think the terror is because I've grown attached to being alone. I like not having to think of anyone else when I make plans. I like knowing that I can handle any situation, or go do anything I want, without needing someone else. I'm not afraid to ask for help - but I don't need a guy. I can turn to friends and family when I need something.

I used to be so afraid to let anything interfere with my relationship with a guy, that I'd spend any time with him that I could. Now, it seems, I'm pushing guys away because I'm afraid they'll interfere with my relationship with me.

I'm not sure which is scarier.


  1. It's a rough adjustment but slowly I'm letting my guy help me out more and it becomes kind of nice. Will I ever be dependent on him? I hope not...but it's nice to know I can.

  2. I am the QUEEN of pushing people away to keep my relationship with me. I know that I am fiercely independent, and that it affects the relationships I have with guys. (My large group of low maintenance friends don't mind so much.) Getting adjusted to letting someone in after keeping them out for a while is hard. I'm honestly not sure if I'll ever be able to do it myself, but I'm ok with that. Time will tell...

  3. I totally get it! I am scared to lose my independence as well. I have grown to like being single, and I think it will be a while before I'm ready NOT to be. I don't think it's a bad thing, though. You'll know when your ready, or you will meet someone who will MAKE you ready :)