Thursday, September 22, 2011

Mixed signals

I really hate mixed signals. I prefer if everything can just be out in the open. I'd rather hear the most awful, hurtful truth than have to weed through lies.

Most people don't believe that. They believe that I say I want the truth, but what I really want is for the truth to be what I want to hear

Isn't that always the case, though? I mean, we all want what we want, and most of us have a pretty clear picture of how, when, where we want it to happen. Some people seriously can't handle the truth - and some have had to deal with enough hard truth to know it's better than any lie. 

I felt like I was getting mixed signals from Gardner. First he had no expectations and it felt like he was rejecting me. Two weeks later, he's dropping the L Word. In between, he's hanging with friends and making it clear that I'll never be number one in his life, but saying he really likes me - all while embracing bachelorhood. All kinds of mixed signals and doubts.

The doubts are what got to me the most. I started to feel like I already knew that this couldn't go any further than where it was right now. Then I thought, if that's how I felt, I should end it now, rather than risk leading him on.

The advice I got was that it was too soon to know for sure, and that I should talk to him. That it can just be a fun, casual thing, especially when it's so new. That it's okay to not know this soon in; usually, no one would.

I agree - this soon into a relationship, it's totally acceptable to not know, and to have fun while you see where it might go. But I know. I know it isn't going any further than where it is right now - but he doesn't feel that way. I could stick around, and hope that my feelings caught up to his - but what if they didn't? I was gambling with feelings; with my own, fine - but not with someone else's.

Sounded all too familiar to me. Now the question was - what should I do?

To be continued....

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