Drama queen

I'm currently in the middle of a Sex and the City Marathon, watching the full series from start to finish. In a season three episode, Carrie was at a point in her relationship with Aidan where everything was going well, there were no worries or uncertainty. Basically, it was the relationship she'd been looking for.

And she was scared to death.

Carrie started to wonder... Do we need the drama to feel everything is OK? Does it seem more real if we're worried or unsure or jealous or nervous?

A few days later, I caught myself stirring up drama in my own head, and I started to wonder if Carrie was on to something. Just after a conversation with Trooper had left me a little disappointed, I went to look at his facebook profile (yeah - terrible idea - I already know). I happened upon a post from a woman asking, "R U single?"

I don't know why she was asking - or why she did asked via public wall post. When I got to thinking about it later, I realized all she really had to do was visit his profile, and it would have been pretty obvious that he is not single.

That, and the fact that she said "R U" means I don't really need to take the post seriously.

Not to mention, if I needed to be concerned - she wouldn't need to ask, she'd already know.

But that didn't stop the wheels in my head from turning. Mostly because I was already in a mood. I started thinking about how upset I was, and how I just wanted to say, "Oh, so who is SHE?"

Then I realized that - even in my head - I sounded like a bitch. I wouldn't want to talk to me - so why would he? I wasn't even making sense.

That made me wonder - why was I so upset? Was I just trying to create drama, in order to feel better about the conversation that upset me? Rather than just say what was really on my mind, I was going to invent this other issue that didn't even really exist, and wasn't important at all.

Who does that?

I don't think it's a trust issue - I have no reason not to trust Trooper. If anything, I think it's an insecurity issue (my own). I'm used to things being uncertain, and having to keep a wall up to keep my heart from breaking. When things are going well, there's a part of me that's worried it can't last, so I look for reasons to doubt, so I can put the wall back up.

That won't work.

Luckily, I stopped myself from being bitchy, or accusing, or being rude or mean - or basically making an idiot of myself. I set the phone down, stepped away from facebook, and gave myself a good talking to about the importance of communication, and realizing how lucky we both are to have each other.

I guess you could say I took a dramatic pause.