After the whole Trooper thing ended, I did try to get back into a relationship (Remember Sparrow?). I failed miserably. The relationship had its problems, and probably would have ended anyway - but the truth is, I just wasn't ready.
I've spent the last year or so sort of blindly dating. At first I had no idea what I wanted. Now, I think I've figured that out - but I'm still wondering if it's something I want right now, or something I vaguely see as part of my distant future.
Of course, that's really another post altogether. In the meantime...
I've been spending a lot of time thinking, talking to myself, searching for answers. I've used friends as soundboards, written blogs, and even had several heart-to-hearts with my cat.
All of us (cat included) have come to the same conclusion: I'm a mess.
My problem, as I see it, is I wasn't willing to commit to what I wanted. I convinced myself that casually dating was OK, because I like being single and having my independence. That was pretty easy to believe, since it also happens to be true.
The problem with the casual date (and by date, I sometimes mean sex, sometimes I really do just mean date) is at the end of the day, that's not how I'm wired.
I eventually want a relationship. When I spend a lot of time with someone, I get invested. I start to feel more connected. If I let that happen, all the while knowing it can't ever be more, then I'm setting myself up to get hurt. Which is just silly, and really a big waste of everybody's time.
Respect and courtesy are also a big deal to me. Whether a guy has long-term potential, is just fun to hang out with, or he's the worst date ever, I will always do my best to treat him well. But a lot of guys use the "casual" thing as an excuse to treat a woman poorly. That will bother me. It's going to make me feel unsatisfied and unhappy and a little empty. Most importantly, it's going to make me feel bad about myself and challenge my carefully-protected self-esteem - which eventually turns me into a mess.
I recently came to the conclusion that something needs to change. I realized, after a lot of thinking and advice, that change needs to be what type of dating behavior I'll accept, and engage in. I'm hoping this moves me from the mess category into the satisfied category.
Even though it may mean a short stop in the lonely category, too.
To be continued...