Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Not Gonna Lie

I really was trying to focus on the good - new friends, renewed connections, and some other new opportunities (more on that later) were all positives, that started happening as a result of my breakup. As time went on, it was easier and easier to focus on those things, and slowly push out the negative. But I won't lie. I am only human, I do have feelings. Sometimes, they were really hurt. 

Other times - I was plain pissed off.

Who did he think he was, anyway? If what Big had said was true, then he was lying to me the whole time we were together. Not flat out telling me lies, no, but pretending to have feelings that he really didn't have. His pretense led me to make certain choices, and do things I never would have done had I known the truth. 

He set me up for heartbreak. He knew the whole time that I would probably fall in love, and then get hurt. He could have prevented that. He said he was my friend, and that I treated him well. Yet, he repaid me by letting me walk into the fire, knowing the pain it would cause me. What kind of  friend is that? 

People kept saying to me that maybe Big wasn't telling the truth. They questioned if a guy could realistically fake feelings, or attraction, to a woman for a year. Maybe he really was afraid to commit, so he rationalized his feelings by saying he really didn't have any? 

I suppose that was a possibility. However, that would mean that he pretended to be a guy with his act together; who knew what he wanted, and wasn't afraid to go after it. It also meant that he was a guy who let his fear stand in the way of something good, and who let it hurt both of us in the end.

So what did that leave me with? Big was either a liar or a coward. Which guy would you rather be with? 

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