Monday, March 5, 2012

Open facebook

Remember my guy friend (SN: He really needs a nickname; I'll work on that)? I guess the girlfriend finally admitted she was ready for a little more - even the title "girlfriend." Once that was established, she wondered to my friend, "So what happens next?"

He gave her a couple of options - one of which was adding each other to facebook (not making the relationship status facebook-official; just adding each other as friends).

Apparently, he sent her a request a while back, which she has since ignored. She responded to this latest inquiry by saying, "Well - you're not going to use it to stalk me, are you?"

Which, is a silly question. If it weren't for stalking, what's the point of facebook?

Kidding (sort of). 

Seriously, I understand. Some people simply don't like to share with the world. While I can't relate, I can certainly respect someone's feelings on privacy. I also wonder, in the world of relationships, if there isn't a point at which it is still too soon to add each other. I mean, I've dated guys with whom I never got the feeling they'd be around a while; so I never added the. Once we stopped dating...they just faded away, without me having to do the awkward "delete friend" move.

But I also wonder, if both people have a facebook profile, isn't there a point in a relationship when you start to wonder - what is she hiding?

I've been facebook-friends with this guy since we met a few years ago. He doesn't post anything horribly private; there are no compromising photos, videos or trashy status updates. No check-ins at the local strip club. His mom is his facebook friend, for crying out loud. I know he has nothing to hide.

But what about this girlfriend?

I'm not saying she should have run right out to add him. Some people just don't do that. Some don't use facebook a lot, and making a friend request isn't the first thing they think when they meet anyone knew.

I also know couples who purposely stay off of each other's facebook friends list so that they can each have a little something to themselves.

But that's a decision that they make together, and it works for both of them; it's not something one person is deciding. And just because you don't use the site often is no excuse to ignore a request that this new, important person in your life has now brought up - in person.

It makes me wonder - is it really stalking, if it's someone who you've agreed is important, and who you want in your life? Or is scoping out the facebook profile just another part of getting to know each other, and something you should greet with open arms?

If you use facebook, but keep someone off your profile, are you keeping him at arms length? If you're doing that on facebook - are you doing the same thing in any other area of your life?

I'm (clearly) no expert, but I do happen to believe that, with relationships, sometimes you have to be willing to be an open book, especially in the beginning. No matter how scary, it's important to open up and let people in.

Even with something as small as facebook.


  1. I have one.
    My guy doesn't....nor does he want one.

    Makes life easy.
    But, if he wanted to, and have me as a facebook "friend"...
    Why not.
    I got nothing to hide, especially from him.

  2. I don't understand why she wants to be his gf but not his fb friend? That makes no sense to me. It does seem like she has something to hide, and it's not necessarily that she's into other guys or whatever, but, it just doesn't seem like a good idea when he wants to add her.

  3. I don't want to bash ole girl for not friending you buddy. However it's bad form to know at least acknowledge the request. It's a minor issue though so not something worth screwing the pooch over.

    However when ever you talk about your buddy and his girlfriends the picture I'm developing of her is not good. She seems most reluctant to give anything to the relationship that your buddy seems to want.

    Relationships all types are based on some type of mutual agreement. Each person giving up something to be in the relationship. She doesn't seem willing to share even a little bit. But that's just me.