Thursday, January 3, 2013

My happy ending

Christmas Eve was a very, very difficult day for me. New Year's Eve was incredibly good. It's amazing how much difference a week (and a good friend) can make.

Let me back up...

Earlier this month, I met a guy. We'll call him Billy. We met on Plenty of Fish on a Monday, and had dates 1 & 2 that week. Then...things fizzled. He didn't really have time for me, kept canceling plans, blowing me off, etc.

I pressed (I know, shocking, right?) and he admitted that he has some drama in his life that limits his time and money for going out. Then he finally fessed up to some other things from his past, that he felt I should know before things "went any further" between us.

I wasn't bothered by the past, as he assumed I would be. I was a little bothered by the fact that he wasn't more upfront, but it wasn't a deal-breaker for me. I told him so - and I told him that what is a deal-breaker for me is being treated well, and both of us wanting the same thing.

We went back and forth, and agreed to continue seeing each other - but it really didn't feel right to me. Baking Suit has wisely told me in the past that if something makes my "tummy feel funny," I should probably listen. She's so wise.

Then, everything changed....

On Christmas Eve, X came by my house to exchange Chrismas presents. We got to talking, and I shared a little bit about Billy with X. His feeling was that all the blow offs and excuses meant that Billy isn't interested but doesn't know how to say so. It's certainly possible that he does like me, can't give me what I want, but wants to keep me on the hook just a little bit.

Of course, X stressed that these things are Billy's issue, not mine, and I shouldn't take it personally or to heart.

Of course, I'd already taken it personally and to heart, and was crying my eyes out. [I felt bad too - my present for X wasn't worth him listening to me carry on, but listen he did. What a good guy.]

He may not have realized it, but X made a huge difference that night. X reminded me that I have a lot to offer, and that if a guy (including himself) was willing to let me walk away, then he doesn't deserve me. He also let me cry. Then talk. Then cry some more.

I wasn't really upset about Billy. I was upset because I felt I'd done so much, made so many positive changes, really knew what I want - and here I was, being played by a guy when I felt I should have known better.

I was reminded of a quote from He's Just Not That Into You - at the end, GiGi tells us,
Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it; the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: Knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.
X left late on Christmas Eve, once he was satisfied I was as good as I was going to get. When I woke up, it was Christmas Day. Two of my favorite little people in the whole world were in my living room tearing through gifts.

My house was full of hope and faith and belief in good things. It was full of smiles and laughter and thoughtful words from a good friend.

I decided then and there that my happy ending would come from moving on - and that it was starting that very moment.