I want a relationship. Though I have tried (and sometimes enjoyed) the casual dating thing, it doesn't appeal to me right now. I prefer one-on-one dating with regular communication. I like the idea of dating someone I could just call during the week to have dinner, but also make plans to go to a wedding a month in advance.
So I want a relationship. I think.
The problem is, relationships are more than just plans. Relationships are communication and working through problems. Relationships mean occasionally feeling angry or hurt. They mean sharing and compromising.
I don't want any of that stuff.
The minute a conversation gets heavy - or even too long - I zone out. I'll think about anything else just to avoid giving all of my attention to this person, and this problem.
I don't share too much of myself. I keep waiting for him to share, so I know we're sharing. Then when he does - I'm too tired to share my own stuff.
Or, if I do share, I feel vulnerable. I deflect with humor, which comes across as a lack of caring. Or, when he offers a solution (as guys do), I get irritated and won't listen because "I don't need help."
I was once asked (by a guy) why I won't just give in a little. He said it's such an easy thing, to give another person a little control. You can always take it back in the future if you want.
But I don't want anyone else to have control. I'm happy to give him the illusion of control (do the asking, plan the dates, etc.)
But when it comes right down to it, I want to be in control of me. Always.
But, that's not how a relationship works.
So what the heck do I want? (I'm seriously asking; suggestions are welcome!)
I wonder if what you want deep down is a friend with benefits. Through the years I've had some really good friends that sometimes included nookie. They were guys I could count on, we liked spending time together, but there was very little pressure that it was more than friends and outside of friendship communication, consideration etc there were little expectations.
ReplyDeleteI wish it were that simple. The benefits part always gets me feeling more than friendship, eventually. Then it gets all complicated, and my feelings get hurt. I'm such a girl sometimes.
DeleteFirstly, you are not, cannot and will not ever be in control of yourself, others or anything. That's a difficult lesson to learn but the sooner you learn it the less dissatisfaction you'll encounter with the same three. Until you do learn the lesson you have three options. #1 Keep your present M.O. #2 Wait for your desires to change, and they will at least in a measure. #3 Seek someone who fits your M.O.
ReplyDelete