I want a relationship. Though I have tried (and sometimes enjoyed) the casual dating thing, it doesn't appeal to me right now. I prefer one-on-one dating with regular communication. I like the idea of dating someone I could just call during the week to have dinner, but also make plans to go to a wedding a month in advance.
So I want a relationship. I think.
The problem is, relationships are more than just plans. Relationships are communication and working through problems. Relationships mean occasionally feeling angry or hurt. They mean sharing and compromising.
I don't want any of that stuff.
The minute a conversation gets heavy - or even too long - I zone out. I'll think about anything else just to avoid giving all of my attention to this person, and this problem.
I don't share too much of myself. I keep waiting for him to share, so I know we're sharing. Then when he does - I'm too tired to share my own stuff.
Or, if I do share, I feel vulnerable. I deflect with humor, which comes across as a lack of caring. Or, when he offers a solution (as guys do), I get irritated and won't listen because "I don't need help."
I was once asked (by a guy) why I won't just give in a little. He said it's such an easy thing, to give another person a little control. You can always take it back in the future if you want.
But I don't want anyone else to have control. I'm happy to give him the illusion of control (do the asking, plan the dates, etc.)
But when it comes right down to it, I want to be in control of me. Always.
But, that's not how a relationship works.
So what the heck do I want? (I'm seriously asking; suggestions are welcome!)