Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Regular communication

Believe it or not, the post called Actual conversation is a...well...actual conversation I had with this guy, who I thought was gone, but apparently, isn't. Not yet, anyway.

That was really just a snippet of a much longer conversation, which to me, seemed to take days, but in actuality, was more like a couple of hours. I get confused when things get serious and real and all relationship-y.

I won't recount the whole conversation - partly because some of it was really personal and partly because at one point I sort of zoned out and started mentally accessorizing my outfit for Engineer's wedding. I will share a bit more of the "we don't talk enough" part though, because it got me thinking.

One of our biggest obstacles to, you know, actually dating is this disappearing thing he does. We'll be texting one morning, and in what I consider to be the middle of a conversation, he just - Poof! - disappears. I might hear from him again later...or maybe not until the next day...or even for a few days, or even weeks. I may not hear from him again until I reach out to him.

The reality is, the fade out and fade in isn't what bothers me. I don't even need to speak with him every
day. The problem, at least for me, happens somewhere between a couple of days and a couple of weeks.

Somewhere inside that time frame, not only does he disappear, so does my trust. When we do reconnect, in some ways, I feel like we have to start all over.

He thought that was stupid (he may have even used that word). At first I was a little insulted, but after I thought about it for a bit, I started to see his point.

I mean, I have friends that I don't speak with every day. But when we reconnect after a few days or weeks (or longer) it's not like we have to start from square one with our friendship.

The thing is, while a long absence might not end a friendship, it can certainly change one. If I talk to a friend every day, and then suddenly we don't talk for a month, when we reconnect, chances are our friendship will be different.

The big difference, of course, is that those friendships are strong enough to handle the absence. There's such a strong foundation that we're able to pick up right where we left off, no matter how long it's been since we last spoke. Even if our friendship has changed, there's still enough of a foundation for it to withstand the absence.

If a relationship isn't allowed to develop and get strong, it's much less likely to withstand that interruption. That's the problem with this guy - he wants the strength and trust without developing anything. He also wants me to understand his absence, without giving me a chance to get to know him.

That all seems...unrealistic to me. Or is that just another part of a relationship that I fail to understand?

1 comment:

  1. No, you understand it all OK. An absence of weeks is an indicator that he doesn't need/want frequency in the relation which equates to a a relation that is distant. In short, he isn't into the relationship.