Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Lessons in loneliness

I am not one to get bored or lonely. I have plenty to do, and actually enjoy being home, alone. Sometimes I'm so busy, I actually look forward to just hanging at home with my book or TV, and my cat.

But lately, I have been feeling anxious and sad and alone. I have noticed the quiet a little more - and not in a good way.

I think I might be feeling loss. I was seeing this guy, and hoping things might get back on track. Then there was another guy who pops in and out...I thought he might pop in again.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize - those connections need to be broken. When I think about how much it bothers me when they pop in and out of my life, I realize I'm allowing them to hurt my feelings. I can't do that anymore.

Of course, they are all currently "popped out" - so I can't say any of this to them. If they contact me again, I will. If they don't, I just have to let the feelings fade.

The result, though, is me spending a lot of time not contacting them, much the way I would resist the urge to contact someone after a painful breakup. I think that may be what's causing the anxiety.

It's clear they never wanted the same kind of relationship with me that I wanted with them. Still - I feel loss. I suppose what I've lost is the hope that either relationship would go anywhere.

I have read that people repeat the same mistakes, until we finally learn the intended lesson. Hopefully, this one is starting to sink in.

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