Monday, August 26, 2013

On hold

Another one of the "several" guys I've been seeing is actually one who's been around for a while. I haven't written about him much, except to once refer to him as a "booty call guy" only to later correct myself.

A few weeks ago, I helped him with a favor that required a small road-trip. On the way back, he was on the phone with his nephew, who asked who had helped him. He answered, "My good friend," and for just a minute, I felt like I'd been stabbed through the heart.

At that point, I realized I really need to make a change. I've let this casual relationship go on for almost five
Found it here
months, knowing full well that it can't ever be more. He's never led me on, or lied to me, or even disrespected me. He just isn't in a "relationship" place, and if someone is going to change him, it certainly isn't going to be me. I've known that all along.

We can't always control how we feel - only how we manage those feelings. For a while, I managed by convincing myself that I was OK with the casual thing. For a long while, I think I really was OK. I liked having someone to call, someone to hang out with, someone to have fun with. I had all the benefits, but none of the commitment or pressure that comes with a relationship.

So it occurred to me, that's what we really were all along - friends with benefits.

Realizing I was in imminent danger of breaking FWB Rule One (no feelings), I knew I needed to make a change. I avoided calling him until I knew I could have the conversation in a reasonable way, without being interrupted or having to rush.

A few days passed...then a week...and before I knew what was happening, it'd been two weeks since we even spoke. It occurred to me - I haven't heard from him, either.

I considered calling him this weekend. Then I realized that I would be calling him to tell him I need a break from seeing and talking to him - when we're clearly already on that break. Which reminded me a little of that cell phone plan commercial where the girl calls the guy to tell him she's not speaking to him.

I decided it's probably not necessary to preemptively break up with someone who is obviously not dating me. Doing so would appear to be a cry for attention (and mostly, that's exactly what it would be) and it would open up a can of worms I don't really want to handle.

The flip side is I feel a little guilty and a little immature, like I'm avoiding the "tough conversation." That also makes me feel a little hypocritical, being that I'm often complaining about people who date when they're not mature enough to have the difficult conversations.

I think (hope?) the difference here is that we were clearly never dating, and he has made his preference for not talking pretty obvious. If he called me, I'd be honest. But I don't think chasing him around with honesty he's not asking for is fair, or wise, or necessary.

I can't help but think about friendships I've had that, for one reason or another, faded away. There was no animosity and no argument, we simply grew apart and lost touch. Over the years, some of those friendships have resurfaced - either permanently, or for a short period of time. Others remain a treasured, but distant, memory.

It's kind of like the universe has sent these people to me, either when I needed them or they needed me - or we needed each other. Just because we come to a time when the need isn't there, doesn't mean the friendship is over. It's just on hold.

Perhaps that's what he's supposed to be... a relationship on hold until the timing is right again.


  1. i like this.
    you are one smart lady.

  2. 5 months and you're just a "good friend"!? ABORT. If he hasn't contacted you in 2 weeks, he better be dead or stuck down a well. ABORT. If he didn't commit in the first 5 months, he never will.