Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The truth is...

Baking Suit sent me a link to this post over at A Life Less Bullshit. She asked what truth I would tell...and I immediately knew what truth I wanted to share here.

For the past couple of months (now almost three) I've been seeing a particular guy. I haven't mentioned much about him here, because I wasn't really sure where it was going. I referred to him once as my booty call guy - but the truth is, he's not just a booty-call. We're more than a booty-call...more than friends...but we're not quite a couple.

The truth is, I'm not really sure what we are.

Whatever this is, I get the impression he'd never want it to be more. He's never said he wants to be exclusive. I know he's still online regularly (we met on Match). He rarely makes plans ahead of time. He doesn't ask me to go anywhere with his friends. He's never expressed interest in joining me with mine. Our work schedules conflict, so we can only see each other on the weekends - and that's assuming our weekend schedules line up. During the week, we barely even have time to talk.

He's the perfect bachelor - studio apartment, no pets, no responsibilities, no ties or connections to anything. He moved to the area for work just this year; and sometimes I get the feeling he wants to live his life in such a way that he could just pick up and move again if the opportunity presented itself.

Which is all fine...but it means that the two of us probably don't have much of a future. What we are right now is probably all we'll ever be. I think he'd be fine with that - I'm just not sure that I would.

Don't get me wrong - it's fine right now. I like the casual feeling. I like not owing anyone an explanation, or having to coordinate schedules. I like the independence, but still having someone around.

But even though I like the way things are now, there are two problems:
Found it here
  • I know it isn't what I'll always want
  • Focusing on this may cause me to let another opportunity pass by 
A while back, I thought about asking him if he sees us ever getting more serious. I chickened out. The truth is, I'm not sure I want to push it to be more serious. I certainly don't want anyone committing to me out of pressure. Once I say something, I kinda have to be willing to get more serious - and I'm not ready to back myself into that corner.

I think I just want to know if the potential to get serious exists - without necessarily diving in.

Does that make sense?

That isn't the only reason I hesitate to have the conversation. The truth is, a part of me knows that he may say he won't ever want to get serious. It's not that I'm afraid of rejection. I honestly think that response would have more to do with him than with me.

I'm afraid when he says that, I'll be forced to do what's right for me, and walk away. But sometimes what's right and what we want are two different things.

So I guess right now, the truth is... I just don't know. I guess that'll have to be OK for now.

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