"Before you're ready to date, you need to be in a place where, if the person leaves, you won't care."
That was some advice a friend offered not too long ago. At first, it sounds weird. I mean - if you don't care if a person leaves, then what's the point in dating him in the first place?
But I get what my friend was saying: Get to a place where you're okay with yourself, and being alone. Don't depend on anyone else for your happiness, for your security, for your self-esteem. You need to be in a position to keep those things in tact, should you suddenly find yourself without a significant other.
I agree. I gotta say - I thought I was there before I started dating Trooper. Maybe I was; I was certainly in a much better place than I'd ever been. The more I think about it, the more I wonder - can we ever really be in that place?
Rejection, no matter the circumstances, attacks your self-esteem. Personally, my own self-esteem finds no greater challenge than when someone says, "You're just not good enough" - even if that's not really what he's saying. Rejection feels like a hit to every good thing you once thought about yourself.
If the relationship made you feel good; if it was healthy, and you were happy, and you came to believe you could trust that person's feelings - you'll start to doubt yourself when those feelings are gone.
"Is there something wrong with me? Am I just not good enough?"
"Why didn't I see this coming? Why am I so stupid?"
"Do I not deserve to be happy?"
"How will anyone else ever feel that way about me - or make me feel that way about myself?"
I think it's natural to have these feelings (though some of us probably struggle with self-doubt more than others). No matter how much you know the issue is his, not yours; no matter how many people tell you that it's his loss; no matter what compliments your friends shower on you.
You still feel like it's all about you - not him.
I was going to write something along these lines for my saturday post. I'm glad I read yours today. Are you getting back to your usual shiny self again?
ReplyDeleteI'm getting there. I wrote, and scheduled, a ton of stuff the last couple of weeks, just getting stuff off my chest. I'm probably slightly ahead of my posts in terms of feeling better.
DeleteI smile way more than I was a month ago. :)