Monday, December 13, 2010

Reason

I started to think about why the whole "Big" thing had happened? Surely, I wasn't meant to be sad and lonely, and surely I wasn't being punished with the heartbreak. I like to think that everything happens for a reason - and I really wanted to know, what was the reason for all of this?

I started wondering if maybe I was meant to learn a lesson. It occurred to me that, since things had picked up with Big, I had let some things in my own life go. My finances were (are) atrocious, my work was slipping and I wasn't really making any changes. I was behind in my own "stuff" - my house, my gardening, my writing; all of it was suffering. To a certain degree, so were some of my friendships.

I'm not making excuses. I was in love, and if we had been able to work things out, I know I would have found a way to incorporate my life with Big with the rest of my life. But maybe it wouldn't hurt to look at this change as a wake-up call; to refocus my energy. Maybe it was time that I learned that love would find me when the time was right, and it was more important for me to pay attention to myself, and what I wanted.

It was killing me to not understand what had happened. I did (and still often do) wonder how things could have seemed so right, and still gone so terribly wrong. It was making me question everything - most of all, myself and my ability to recognize a good thing when I saw it.

The toughest thing was getting over the fact that I wasn't "pretty enough." Men would ask me out, and friends would say, "See - he thinks you're pretty." I would respond with, "Yeah, and at one time, Big said he did, too." I just couldn't get past that.

Admittedly, I rely a lot on the opinions of others for validation, especially when it comes to my own beauty. Maybe all of this was happening so that I would learn to find my own beauty, without relying on anyone else.

2 comments:

  1. Finding our own beauty is the hard part...I've learned to find it through my actions and creations because some days I look in the mirror and just don't see it. HUGS. Whatever the lesson, I'm glad he was in your life and now notsomuch...we might not have met if he hadn't!

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  2. I truly believe some people are in our life to get us to where we're supposed to be. I definitely think Big brought me to the right place, so I could meet some people who I was missing in my life. :) I always be grateful for that, no matter how much anything hurts.

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