Oh, yeah - lotta anger goin' on.
Like I said, at various times during this process, I've felt angry at Trooper, at God, and at myself. I actually felt angry at myself for more than one thing.
First of all, why didn't I know better? Weren't there signs I should have picked up on? Red flags I should have noticed? What was wrong with me?
Not only that, but I know that this isn't a punishment. I know better than to think this is what I deserve, and that no good could come out of this. I know better than to ever feel regret. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel that way?
Apparently, this is all very normal, and common. It's frustrating, especially when there are no real answers. I could pester Trooper over and over about why, but the truth is, he never set out to hurt me, or himself, so he probably doesn't really have an answer. I can't ask God why he brought someone into my life, only to take him away. Eventually, I might come to some sort of my own understanding, but there won't ever be a firm answer.
And that makes me angry.
I think the only thing that will make this go away is time - and acceptance. I spoke with a counselor (SN: I think everyone should have a counselor) who suggested that I might need to create my own closure. I may never get a firm answer - but I have enough information to piece one together for myself. True or not, it will help me to close the door on the relationship, and put my anger behind me.
Ironically, I've also found a lot of comfort in praying and God. That's ironic because until I met Trooper, God really wasn't a part of my life. So Trooper coming into my life brought something that would become my greatest source of comfort after he left.
Life is strange, I guess.
Taking the sadness, and anger, and handing it over to God and saying, "I know You have a plan; I'll just trust that, because I can't fix this on my own," is quite a relief.
I take some comfort in knowing that anger is normal, and temporary. I definitely would not want to live in anger forever.