Oh, yeah - lotta anger goin' on.
Like I said, at various times during this process, I've felt angry at Trooper, at God, and at myself. I actually felt angry at myself for more than one thing.
First of all, why didn't I know better? Weren't there signs I should have picked up on? Red flags I should have noticed? What was wrong with me?
Not only that, but I know that this isn't a punishment. I know better than to think this is what I deserve, and that no good could come out of this. I know better than to ever feel regret. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel that way?
Apparently, this is all very normal, and common. It's frustrating, especially when there are no real answers. I could pester Trooper over and over about why, but the truth is, he never set out to hurt me, or himself, so he probably doesn't really have an answer. I can't ask God why he brought someone into my life, only to take him away. Eventually, I might come to some sort of my own understanding, but there won't ever be a firm answer.
And that makes me angry.
I think the only thing that will make this go away is time - and acceptance. I spoke with a counselor (SN: I think everyone should have a counselor) who suggested that I might need to create my own closure. I may never get a firm answer - but I have enough information to piece one together for myself. True or not, it will help me to close the door on the relationship, and put my anger behind me.
Ironically, I've also found a lot of comfort in praying and God. That's ironic because until I met Trooper, God really wasn't a part of my life. So Trooper coming into my life brought something that would become my greatest source of comfort after he left.
Life is strange, I guess.
Taking the sadness, and anger, and handing it over to God and saying, "I know You have a plan; I'll just trust that, because I can't fix this on my own," is quite a relief.
I take some comfort in knowing that anger is normal, and temporary. I definitely would not want to live in anger forever.
It's all part of the journey.
ReplyDeleteGod giveth and taketh away...
For no reason we can see.
ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO SEE THE ALL KNOWING PLAN?
Probably not.
But.. the fact that you can come to terms with the fact that it's part of the "plan", is a good thing.
He brought God into your world.
Maybe that is something you needed.
Maybe something is coming up along the way that will require your trust in God (or whatever being you believe in).
Be angry.
You're allowed.
Find your own closure.
Find your own reasoning.
Keep writing.
Keep growing.
Keep shining.
Thanks for that lovely comment. :)
DeleteI've thought about the fact that him bringing God into my life might be why I met him in the first place. At the moment - that actually still makes me a little angry.
But knowing that I can trust in a plan means eventually, I'll have acceptance and closure. That's good enough for me.
As you know, I'm not religious in the traditional sense of the word, but I do believe in G-d. Sometimes giving it up to G-d is the only thing you can do and it works out.
ReplyDeleteI guess I could get into the psychological aspects behind it, but I'm choosing to believe instead.
I'm not religious in the traditional sense, either, but I do lean more towards that now than I did before.
DeletePsychology aside, I think there's a lot to be said for just accepting that there are some things you can not control. Whether you choose to believe they're in God's control, or some other control, there's a little relief in accepting it's not up to you to fix everything.
I think. *sigh*