Thursday, May 31, 2012

The worst part of a lie

The worst part about being lied to is knowing that you can't trust anything that person had to say.

I'm not saying Trooper ever lied to me; he didn't. But sometimes, a breakup  feels like a lie. Or, maybe more accurately, the breakup makes it seem as though parts of the relationship might have been a lie - or, at least, not as sincere as you were once led to believe.

Is it just me? Or does a breakup feel like anytime the person said he was happy, he couldn't have meant it? Because, if he felt that way - then where did those feelings go? Nothing changed - so why did the feelings just vanish?

I struggle a lot with that question. I remember Big taking great exception to the fact that I said he led me on, because he let me believe he had feelings for me, when he really didn't. He said I was making it into an all or nothing scenario - like his feelings had to be of a certain intensity, or they didn't exist at all.

That's not really what I meant. But I guess I do believe that you should never imply (or, you know, flat out say) that you feel a specific way unless you're certain that you do. Because some people (OK, me) might trust your words or actions. They might come to count on it. They might even make decisions based on what they believe you feel.

Then when you decide that no, it wasn't really there after all - it hurts just that much more. Which just may be the worst part of the lie.


  1. Yup. I completely identify with this.


    Your words are great. Keep writing!

  2. I completely understand where you are coming from; I have that same sense.

    However, from experience, perhaps consider this perspective: For the time that your SO is with you, you are important, they do have feelings for you, and they are interested in you both making decisions based on a common understanding of your feelings.

    But, over time, or because of an event, feelings change and there's drift. Now one or both of you is stuck understanding the spot they put the other in, but with no good way to explain the situation. After a period of time, one or both of you tell about the change, and the relationship moves on, is over, or becomes something different.

    In my opinion, none of those changes mean that your SO was lying, deceitful, or manipulative at the height of the relationship ....

    Make sense?


    1. That does make sense. However...

      I'm of the belief you should not get into relationships unless you know yourself, and what you want, very well. The more self-aware you are, the less likely this will happen.

      I think that's the responsibility of each person. Because when you're dating, you aren't just putting your own feelings on the line. You're playing with someone else's.

      Self-awareness would also prevent you from jumping in too fast. If you don't feel sure that we'll be together in a year - that's fine with me. But don't behave as though you think we will, simply to keep me on the line until you're sure how you really feel.

      I'm not suggesting every situation is like this, or even that this was the situation with Trooper. I'm saying that if more people were responsible and got to know themselves better before seeking a relationship, fewer feelings might be hurt.

  3. Well, I struggle with this, because I am on the same page as you ... but ... heregoes.

    Even if you think you've found your twin flame (which is bulsh, cos I've felt that way about two women at different times in my life, but I digress) ... how can you know for *sure* that you will be with a new love in a year? Do you approach the new love half-hearted, shields up, because you are unsure where things will go in a year and, if so, how successful would that reserved, defensive approach be? Or, do you proceed with everything on the line in a fully honest approach to win the day?


    1. I say you proceed with an "everything on the line, fully honest approach" - which, in my opinion, includes sharing not only your positive feelings, but your doubts and concerns as well.

      If you doubt you'll be together in a year - don't start making plans like you're sure you will be. If it comes up - tell the person you're just not there, and share why.

      I might sound naive, and maybe I am. I've been in short relationships - but I was also married for ten years (and with that person fourteen years). I know something about how to make a relationship last.

      I think every relationship starts with a certain amount of doubt or trepidation that it'll be a forever thing.

      At some point, those feelings shift. You start believing in forever mroe and more, and the thing you're doubting is that you'll ever breakup.

      All I'm saying is don't act like that's how you feel, until you're sure how you feel. And when you're not sure - let the other person know.

  4. Fair enough.

    One last try: "The worst part about being lied to is knowing that you can't trust anything that person had to say."

    Perhaps you can step back a bit and consider that maybe the worst part about being lied to is that you can no longer count on that person to be completely truthful. That's different; it takes the person off their pedestal. Moreover, it recognizes that you can trust some things the person has to say, but you just need to consider what is said in a larger context and, perhaps, make a value judgement. Lies happen for a lot of reasons, on a sliding scale, some bad and some not-so-bad. With context, you can still find some things to trust, maybe a lot of things, if you want.


    1. That might be true, but I think that not being able to trust everything a person says or does means the relationship has changed. That wouldn't work for a committed relationship, at least not for me.