Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Breakup stage - bargaining

This is the absolute worst. Apparently, it's also the stage I'm best at. Shocking.

Apparently, this is the stage where you tell yourself that you'll just stay friends, or you'll try to restore the relationship with some difference.
"I promise not to....anymore."
"I'll never say....again."
I did it. I asked if we could try and work things out. Honestly - I did it with Big, too. I also did it with X, though to be fair, we were married. Trying to fix a marriage is a little different. You actually make vows and promises that you'll try to fix that relationship before letting it end.

I'm going to be completely honest (and here's where the whole "I'm no expert" thing comes in to play....). I don't believe this is always a bad thing.

I don't believe you should compromise who you are or what you believe to make a relationship work. (I've done that, too; trust me, it doesn't work.)

But I do think that love is important - and hard to find. Call me sappy or hopeless or weak if you want, but I believe in love, and I think it deserves a chance. It is so hard to find someone with whom you connect, and who makes you laugh and smile, and who really helps you be a better person. If you're lucky enough to find that, I think walking away without a fight is just...well....stupid.

So, if issues or concerns are raised, and it's something you can address, I think you should try. I don't think there's any harm in that.

Where I guess you need to be careful is holding on to those feelings too long. If you offer that you want to work on things, even say where you'd be willing to compromise - you've done your part. You can't keep pushing someone. He (or she) either wants to fix things, or he doesn't.

And the truth is, if he doesn't, he's not the right person for you. Because no matter how much you love someone, you need to love yourself more. You need to realize that you're worth fighting for - and the right person for you will feel the same.

Livestrong also cautions against trying to maintain a friendship. The romantic feelings won't just go away because the romance ends. Keeping up a friendship will just cause you to hold onto feelings that you really need to let go.

I'm a huge believer that exes can be friends. That's pretty obvious, considering my ex-husband is one of the friends who has dragged me through this process. But like any other friendship, one with an ex takes time to develop. You can't just wake up one morning in love with someone, and be "just friends" by dinner.

If you think you can, you're kidding yourself.

If he's really a friend - and if the two of you are meant to have that bond - it'll happen over time. When you're both ready.

3 comments:

  1. My favorite part in todays post:
    "Because no matter how much you love someone, you need to love yourself more. You need to realize that you're worth fighting for - and the right person for you will feel the same."

    YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
    YOU ARE WORTH WORKING WITH.
    YOU ARE WORTH SOMEONES TIME TO GROW AND INTERTWINE WITH.

    Find someone who will love you for your FLAWS not IN SPITE of them.
    Your idiosyncracies are what make you beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. I couldn't agree more.

      Delete
  2. "You can't just wake up one morning in love with someone, and be "just friends" by dinner." This one strikes me!

    ReplyDelete