I should be better at this.
This isn't my first breakup. I've been through several, all of them tough, all of them heartbreaking - and I survived them all. I keep thinking, "This should get easier." But it doesn't.
I'd done all this work after my last heartbreak. I worked on my self-esteem, my confidence, my self-awareness. I was a completely different person going into this relationship than I was a year earlier when the last one ended. I thought I was mentally in that place where I'd be accepting if it didn't work out.
I'm frustrated with myself. First, I feel guilty. Trooper never let on there was an issue, and as a result, I was oblivious and thought everything was OK, when it wasn't. I feel guilty that I was so happy, while he was struggling, and feel as though I forced the relationship on him, to an extent. "You made my life miserable," are words someone (not Trooper) once said to me in a breakup. He didn't mean them, but they've stuck with me anyway.
I'm also angry. A little at Trooper - for not letting on sooner that there was an issue, and letting me continue to become invested. A little at God - for bringing someone so wonderful into my life, just to take him away. At myself - for not knowing better. I should know this isn't a punishment; that things happen for a reason, even if that reason isn't always clear. I should know this awful feeling is temporary, and will get better.
Of course I'm sad. He brought so much good to my life; it's defeating to think that is over.
I'm a little confused - there really wasn't anything wrong between us. It just wasn't working out, and that's hard to accept. I think it might be easier if there was a big fight, or a third party, or an issue you just can't resolve. But this just...wasn't any of that.
I guess the point is - every breakup is different. There's a grieving process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, accpetance) that you sort of follow - but it never gets easier. Like a good friend said to me, "After each, you have better tools - but you still have to figure out how they apply to the next."
She's right (of course). I have all the right tools. The knowledge and strength to know that this too shall pass, and the friends to hold me up until it does.
No matter how angry, sad, or confused I might be - I'm lucky enough to know how lucky that makes me.