I kept thinking that because I got through the breakup with Big, I should be better at going through this breakup. "You weren't this upset when you broke up with Big - and you were with him longer," one friend said to me. And she's right - so what gives?
I've been thinking about it, and I think I have an answer (or at least part of the answer).
Though I was with Big longer, the relationship was never that healthy. Deep down, I never really trusted where it was going or how he felt, and so I never let myself completely trust him. I had a feeling several weeks before that something was wrong, so even though I was disappointed when he said so - I wasn't surprised.
This was very different. I had no idea - and because I had no idea, I allowed myself to trust. I gave myself over to the relationship completely. When you have so much more of yourself invested in something, you have a lot more to lose.
Also, this relationship was a lot healthier. We communicated better, we were honest, we trusted.
More than that - I can honestly say this was the first relationship I've had where I didn't feel I had to give up any part of myself. Trooper never held me back; if anything, he lifted me up. He brought so much good to my life.
I think the loss of something so good, combined with the fact that the loss was such a surprise, is making this worse than what I've gone through in the past.
That's the thing about wonderful; you can't really assign a time-table. You never know where, or when, or with whom you'll find that kind of happy. I guess the trick is to keep your mind (and your heart) open.
It's a big risk - but completely worth it.
"I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." Steel Magnolias
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