Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Drama and respect

For a while now, I've been wondering if part of the problem with dating (at least for me) lies in a definition of terms. I seem to agree with a lot of guys that we "don't do drama" and "respect is important" and we both "want a relationship."

But when it comes right down to it - there seems to be some kind of disconnect. Like, a guy saying he doesn't like drama or games - and then playing games with me.

The last few guys I've met who specifically said they don't like drama, I actually asked what they meant. Not surprisingly, they all had a different answer.

One guy defined drama as a person being materialistic or feeling entitled. Another guy felt drama was when people start trouble, or go looking for fights. Another simply said drama was any time a person is unreasonable. (I personally felt this was just a catch-all so he could cry "drama" anytime anyone did anything he didn't like.)

So where does that leave me? I don't go looking for a fight...but I won't back down from one, either. Would a guy consider me a drama queen if I stood up for myself? Even though I do like my "stuff," I also like to spoil people as much as I like to be spoiled. I think that means I'm not "entitled" - but it doesn't mean I don't like a guy to put in effort, and I do look for a certain amount of reciprocity (in other words - I'm not looking to be anyone's sugar-mama). But would that make me dramatic by some standards?

It's not just drama, either. What about respect? I consider it very disrespectful when someone just ignores a text message, or says he'll call then doesn't, or constantly cancels plans - or just plain doesn't show up. I had one guy tell me he doesn't think that's disrespectful at all. He felt that's "just life." Fine. But if I tell you I consider those things to be disrespectful, and I never treat you that way, doesn't that make the behavior disrespectful? I think so. I find a blatant disregard for another person's feelings to be very disrespectful.

Forget about relationship. Some guys think this means that we'll move in together on the fifth date. Other guys think it means he calls me first before moving down the rest of his list of potential dates. I can't even begin to figure out all the different ways people view relationships.

So what's a single woman to do? So far, my only plan of attack has been to keep defining my own terms, and asking dates to define theirs (within reason, naturally). Eventually, I figure I'm bound to run into a guy who shares my views.

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